Finally

So, after blogging endlessly about how the phone wasn't ringing, once it did, it took me four days to update.

I will readily admit that it's not just because I've been busy getting ready to be on maternity leave (which I have been) but that I'd been wanting to scrap about the call right away and couldn't find time to do that immediately.

Anyway, now that my travel call confession is out of the way... I suppose the call wasn't as climactic as it could have been, given the fact that I'd been calling anyone I could at Holt for days, trying to figure out if we could speed things up. We'd gotten a heads up on Good Friday that flying to Korea wouldn't get him home any earlier than they could get him escorted, which was April 21.

The whole should-we-travel discussion was interesting. Our primary reason for not traveling before now was that Rob only gets five days off from work and we wanted to spend that time bonding, not in transit. I also have a mental block about being the person to physically remove my child from the only mother he's ever known. I've never wanted to be the person to inflict that trauma. I did find out during my investigation that there's actually something called a trauma bond. Apparently, the child actually quickly trusts the person they see another trusted person (the foster mom) trust enough to hand over the kid. That's a complicated sentence and concept, actually.

In the end, we settled for knowing our baby had an actual day to come home and waited for the *real* call. I was quite shocked that it didn't come on Monday, and became concerned all over again that they did not have an escort. I was particularly certain this was true because on Good Friday, they'd told us they could get him home April 21 or 22. That didn't sound very final to me. The story was that seats were hard to come by. If that was true, why did they still not have a final date??

Well, my phone finally did ring at 12:05 p.m. on Tuesday, April 21, and the mystery was quickly solved. The reason for the two dates was that there was an extra layover in the flight. Even though he would be leaving Seoul on April 21, he would have to travel from Seoul to San Francisco to Denver and then to Philadelphia. His final arrival time would have been 12:30 a.m. on April 22.

We scrambled once again to decide if we should go meet him in Denver. That seemed like a ton of travel for both Max and his poor escort. As it turns out, I could not locate two seats in the same cabin on a single nonstop flight. We settled in again for the middle of the night arrival and began to plan accordingly.

Much to my surprise, my phone rang again on Wednesday morning. It was the Holt branch director letting me know they'd found a better flight. The new route now has him going from Seoul to Chicago, and then on to Philly. He'll arrive home on Tuesday, April 21 at 9:19 p.m.

The last few days have been a whirlwind of final preparations, many of them getting me ready to be away from work for three months. I feel pretty settled now and hope these last few days don't drag.

We are going to tidy up the house this weekend, go to a Bark For Life (doggie Relay) event tomorrow and just generally get ourselves ready for the big day. Sam seems to not even notice all the commotion. I can't really blame him. Four months of waiting is a long time to a nearly five year old. I hope he's ready come Tuesday!

We did have a bit of sad news this morning. After four years of happily living in a bowl in our living room, our beta fish Roosevelt died this morning. We were surprisingly sad at this turn of events. Sam asked quite a few questions about it, the main one being when he can get a new fish. The poor kid has lost three pets in three years. I guess it's taught him that these things happen, so he doesn't seem to be too distraught. I just wish the bad news hadn't come during a week that was already stressful.

**Scrapper's note: The layout above was for the Sweet Shoppe Spin-A-Lift challenge. I was all to happy to lift my all-time favorite scrapper, Melissa Lewis.

More waiting

Well, the last two weeks have probably been the longest of my life. Considering this isn't my first rodeo, so to speak, that's saying something. I thought the time we spent waiting for Sam to arrive when we had no child at all would be the most difficult. As it turns out, knowing what you are missing makes the wait that much harder. Or at least that's been the case for me.

I would have bet my mortgage that Max would have been home by now when we received word that he had a visa back on March 30. I've spent literally every minute of every business day between then and now within a 10 foot radius of my home phone, to no avail. I finally started emailing Holt to either find out what his status was (assuming perhaps an escort could not be found) or to say that I would travel to him since the timing was working out to be right during Rob's spring break.

Many emails, many hours of staring at the phone and not just a few tears later, we have at least some information to keep us sane over the Easter weekend.

I asked that a message be sent to Seoul yesterday letting the agency know that we would travel to Korea next week if possible to get Max -- and if it would be faster than an escort. I saw two families with identical visa dates receive notice of travel yesterday, so I had high hopes for today. I got a call from Holt this morning and was immediately told the call was to "explain the situation to me." Well, the word "situation" is typically not used when good news is forthcoming.

As it turns out, a seat on an airplane is apparently not available for Max until April 21 or 22. We have asked them to look for an earlier flight to anyplace in the US any day next week... We can fly to pick him up any place that will get him home sooner!

I hope I'll know for sure, one way or the other, on Monday morning. I'm going to spend Easter weekend making Sam happy and enjoying the holiday. At least there's light at the end of the tunnel!

Again with the cuteness

Sam's full of adorable conversation lately.

It's been a rather long week for everyone, yet our son still decided to rise with the chickens this morning. That meant that once lunch was over, it was time for both Daddy and Sam to try to take a nap.

Normally, Sam would nap in his own room, but since we don't have room darkening curtains in there yet, he and Rob have been laying down together in our room (since I'm a terrible napper anyway.) During these naps, Rob, recognizing that Sam is the only human on the planet allowed to touch my pillow, lays Sam down on my side of the bed.

Apparently Sam was feeling the need to shake things up a bit today, so asked Rob if they could switch sides. Rob replied that Mommy doesn't like Daddy to sleep on her side. Sam interpreted that to be an enormous slight, so came running down the stairs to rectify the situation.

He came up to me, put his hand on top of mine and said...

SAM: Mommy, I need to ask you something very important.

MOMMY: Ok. What is it?

SAM: Do you think Daddy could sleep on your side for naptime today?

MOMMY: (tried to reply)

SAM: (All in one breath) Because, Mommy. I never get to sleep on the other side. Daddy always sleeps over there. I really want him to switch places with me, but you won't let him. If you say yes, I will tell him that you said it was ok. And if you say it's ok, you'll make me happy. Oh, and saying yes also will make God happy. And the Earth, too.

So... letting Sam take a nap on the other side of the bed will please my son, my husband, the entire planet AND God? Hard to say no to that.

Cuteness

Like most families with young kids, we have our nightly routine pretty well set. Sam gets his bath, we get him dressed in his pajamas, then Mommy reads books before Daddy comes back in to do "Special Day."

Lately, Special Day has entailed about 15 min. of extra cuddle time. I've asked for a turn only to be told that it's Daddy's job.

Well, tonight I was informed that it was a "Mommy Night." Only Mommy was allowed to read stories AND do Special Day. Daddy just did the tucking in.

As we were laying in the dark, admiring Sam's favorite glow-in-the-dark pjs, I touched him on the cheek and told him that I loved him.

It went like this...

Mommy: I love you, Sammy.

Sam: I know that Mom. You tell me that all the time.

Mommy: Do you like when I tell you that?

Sam: Yes. You can tell me that all the time if you want.

*Thinks for a few moments...*

Sam: Mommy, Do you know how much I love you?

Mommy: How much do you love me?

Sam: I love you as much as the telephone wires.

Mommy: Is that a lot?

Sam: Yes. It's a real lot. We're in New Jersey and the telephone wires go all the way to Texas.

Mommy: Oh, thank you, Sammy. That's so nice to hear. I love it when you say such sweet things. It makes Mommy very happy.

Sam: (putting his hand on my face again) Mommy. We're supposed to be going to sleep now. Why don't you close your eyes and see if you can get some rest. We'll talk tomorrow.

How much longer?

Okay, so I said before that I was being patient. I was. Then. Today, not so much.

I am calm enough about *why* Max isn't home yet, but am really getting anxious about this last phase. I just read another post on the Holt board about someone who's waited from visa even longer than we have for an escort. Rob has a theory about travel around Easter that I suppose could be true.

All I know is that I'm totally velcroed to my phone these days. Each day, I am more and more convinced that it just *has* to be today (or whatever day that happens to be) since the calls usually come much sooner than this. I'm obviously not expecting to have him home this weekend, but I think Easter must still be a good possibility. He has a cute outfit all ready. Maybe I need to make Holt aware of that.

Not being one to enjoy abrupt changes in his routine, Rob is positively serene about this last delay. It's not because he's not itching to have Max home, but because he'd done his best to plan two field trips with his students that wouldn't interfere and it was really looking like he'd have to resort to Plan B. Now that we clearly won't have Max home today or tomorrow, he can handle those trips for his school and not have anything else to fret about once the call comes. In a weird way, it would almost work in our favor for the call to come today. On most days, I wouldn't be able to immediately reach him with the news. Since he's just chaperoning in New York today, he'll be able to answer his cell all day. That part will be very nice. I don't know that I can handle any more delayed gratification!

I must say that my friends have been amazingly supportive about everything. I swear, the Facebook comments from people who let us know that they are wishing on our behalf and praying for a quick call keep me smiling when I might be crying otherwise. It's been really great to be able to share the experience so openly with people I know from all across the country. Max will certainly know he's loved when he hears those stories!

Okay. I'll try to stop the broken-record-whining for today. :-)

It must be today

Max's visa interview was scheduled for Monday in Seoul, so I was completely convinced that we, like so many other people I've known, would get our travel call the same day. Not so much. You know what they say about assuming...

The good news is that rather than becoming despondent over the fact that the phone isn't ringing, I've started to just get more excited as time goes on. Every hour that passes, I figure the phone just *has* to ring at any moment. That means I have very high hopes for today. I bounced out of bed around 5:25 this morning, eager to get showered and ready to answer the phone. Because heaven forbid I answer the phone with bed head. And because we all know social workers in Oregon are poised to dial at 2:25 a.m. Whatever. I'm ready when they are.

My lovely sister-in-law Noel came to my rescue this weekend and helped me sew the pennants for Max's arrival (that sentence could also be read as: Noel sewed them for me. I watched and snipped stray threads for her.) All that's left to do is glue the last few letters to the remaining pennants and we're good to go. I just have to run out and get Liquid Stitch... one more in a long line of craft items that I never knew existed. I'll make a trip to get both that stuff and waterproof mascara at some point today. When I'm not parked next to the phone, willing it to ring.

Sam has been totally cute about being in big brother mode. The jealous comments are very few are far between now (well, I should say for now) and he's constantly talking about what he wants to teach Max about. We bought new books at the school book fair yesterday, and Sam immediately talked about how he was going to read his monster truck book to Max. Thank goodness I have two nieces and another one on the way, lest I drown in testosterone. I can always buy girly books (like Pinkilicious!) for them if I feel the need to balance out the male influence that surrounds me.

Speaking of Sam's love for all things mechanical and noisy, on the way to school yesterday, he completely floored me with his use of 50-cent words. We see a lot of buses on our short jaunt to preschool every morning. We usually see a line of school buses as well as an NJ Transit bus or two. Sam, as usual, was chattering in the back seat about how big and cool buses are when he asked me, "Mommy. Do you know that some buses are so big and hold so many people that they have to have an accordion in the middle to go around corners?"

I replied that yes, I had seen such buses before.

He said, "Do you know what their special name is?"

When I admitted that I did not, he said, "They're called articulated buses, Mommy."

Seriously? What four-year-old can recall the word articulated?? I googled the word to be sure it was correct. Turns out, the more commonly used term is "bendy bus." Nice. My child chooses to use articulated over bendy. Another word nerd in the making.

Stay tuned for the big news to come. I am sure it will be today!

I'm feeling better

I'm doing a bit better in the last 24 hours than I had been in the week or so before that. I'm still grumpy that my baby should be here and isn't, but I've been reminded in a few meaningful ways that I need to focus on the here and now and not let myself get completely bent out of shape over things I can't control. Have you ever met me? That's a big issue for me.

Thanks to smart friends with wise words, an appropriately timed Scripture passage and a husband who is emotionally stronger than I am, I'm actually doing a decent job of staying calm. I had a day or two of crying at the drop of a hat out of frustration, but I'm in a better place now. And it doesn't even involve adult beverages like I thought it might.

Rob said to me that he was intrigued by how differently we are handling these last few days of the wait. Whereas I get frustrated every time I see empty baby gear that sits waiting for Max, Rob says he gets excited. He even walked out of Max's room the other day after we'd stocked diapers and baby powder in there and said very happily, "Guess what?! It already smells like baby in there!"

It may have been that one small moment that brought things back into focus for me. I intellectually knew what I needed to do, but watching my husband be such a sweet Daddy reminded me that I'm not doing this alone, there is another perspective that I can choose to take and that we can focus on enjoying the time that we have right now. We'll both be giddy the minute the phone finally rings, but for now, we can enjoy Sam and little things like finally liking the same people on a season of American Idol. (I think we broke serious ground when we finally agreed on a political candidate... The carryover effect is quite nice.)

Sam's teacher told us the other day that he is talking all day long every day about his brother's arrival. He's able to find a reference to Max in everything they do. It's generally along the lines of "I'm going to teach my baby brother about this when he gets here." I hope that sticks when Baby Brother is actually here, touching his new toys and getting more lap time than Sam does.

Rob and I have had quite a few conversations lately about the memory that our little guy seems to have. I should do more reading so I know for sure, but I have been stopped in my tracks quite a few times lately when Sam will pull out a very detailed account of an event that happened as long as three years ago. I did not think children had memories of much other than really big things that far back, but Sam sure as heck does. For instance, he remembers small details about a trip we took to Canada when he was just two years old. He can also literally fall asleep in the car and wake up, know where we are, and give us directions home. It's baffling to me how he does it. It's even earned him the nickname GPS.

It will be interesting to see how his little brain works once he's in kindergarten next year. We got the receipt for his after school program yesterday, which for some reason, made his enrollment seem so official. I think he's going to really love going to a new school and meeting new people. I hope his brother develops Sam's same sense of adventure and sociability.

The list

Not surprisingly, I'm focused like crazy on the "waiting to travel" list on the Holt message board. You may recall how I pored over this list when we were waiting for a match. As of today, I am #8 waiting for travel.

That's truly so-close-yet-so-far if you ask me. I made the call to DC that I have come to dread already today and was told, yet again, that our paperwork is still with the agency. For the life of me, I can't figure out how they process these cases. Why would a child who's been matched with his family since December still sit and wait when others are coming home?

I did another type of calculation this morning, apparently out of the need to wallow even more deeply. As of today, we have been waiting 81 weeks for a baby. We started the process that long ago, which is almost hard to believe. I could have had two babies by now were I going the biological route.

I must say, waiting for travel during Lent puts things in a different perspective for me. This period seems so "dark" but I know that it will be much brighter very soon. I just hope I don't end up in the funny farm by the time someone wakes up and takes some action on our behalf in Seoul.

I'm at that point again...

I am sitting here hoping -- again -- that the adage about the process moving once you can't take it anymore will hold true one more time. I am definitely about to crawl out of my skin. My newest frustration is that I am now seeing travel for children referred after us, even when other dates along the way are the same (if not earlier) for us. I in NO WAY begrudge anyone getting a call to bring their baby home. I am just getting indescribably sad that things have slowed down for no reason that I can understand. I stare at Max's empty room, empty high chair and all of the little clothes and toys we have waiting and am just miserable that he's still in Korea when he could be here. I am really going to continue to try to make a concerted effort this week to relish the time I have to focus solely on Sam, but I won't lie. It's still really hard to be left waiting.

List watching

I think I could qualify as a professional statistician after this adoption process. I am fairly sure I have analyzed every single case's (on the Holt board) referral dates against their I600 approval, emigration permit approval, visa center log out date and P3 send date.

The problem? It doesn't make my phone ring any faster.

I know that we are totally in the home stretch now, but I am starting to see travel calls for babies referred after Max and I just don't get it. I want everyone's babies to be home where they belong as soon as possible, but the randomness of certain parts of the process are completely mind boggling to me. It's understandable when it comes to referral, because babies are matched to the families most appropriate for them. But travel? Shouldn't it happen as chronologically as possible? Isn't that why "logic" is part of that word?! I suppose not.

At least with the National Visa Center stalking I was doing, the case was being worked on in the Eastern time zone, so I could redial to my heart's content and have a shot at getting an answer I liked more. Now, all of our papers are in Seoul, where it's 13 hours ahead of here. It's so frustrating to get news I'm not happy with before 10 a.m., and then just have to sulk for the rest of the day and hope for better news tomorrow.

Why didn't someone tell me that I should have given up whining for Lent??

What's wrong with this picture?

Thank goodness I have friends who not only check out this blog, but do so in enough detail to notice when things are glaringly incorrect.

We were SOOOOO proud of ourselves for getting the car seats installed this weekend. In fact, you may recognize this picture from a posting done on Saturday. As I was talking to my friend Jeff this morning, however, he immediately noticed a major parenting faux pas in the photo.

I stared and stared and didn't know what it was, but he saw it immediately. Baby Max is only 8 months old, therefore his car seat should be installed in rear-facing fashion.

OOPSIE.

Rob will be thrilled to find out he gets to take on this little project all over again. Kind of like how he had to disassemble the crib and put it back together again just before this photo was taken.

Chalk it up to item number 23432907 that we don't know about parenting an infant. Here's to being a quick study from here on out.

Getting Ready

We got the great news this week that Baby Max's I600 approval was logged in and out of the National Visa Center and sent to the embassy in Seoul on Wednesday of this week. That means, if all goes well, we could be VERY CLOSE to finally having our baby home!

Of course, along with the excitement comes the very real panic that we still had a ton to do in order to have a place for him to sleep and bottles to drink out of. We spent almost all day today getting his room finished up, installing car seats and washing bottles, blankets, etc. We've been chipping away at the project over several weeks, but today really felt like the day that we could see improvement. We both remarked a few minutes ago that we're at least at the point that if our phone magically rang tomorrow, we'd be ready. Or at least able to pass a first post placement visit without being judged as completely unprepared and ridiculously disorganized.

A few people have asked what the bedding that I'm so excited about looks like. I posted a pic from Ebay a long time ago when I bought it, but I finally got shots of it in Max's room today to share. You'll notice there are still things that need finishing (like taking Sam's name down from above the window and putting Max's up!) but the room is definitely habitable now and, to my immense delight, looks different enough from Sam's room that I feel like Max is not just getting hand-me-downs.

Here's how we spent our day:












Scrappers... Do you see what I mean when I say the quilt reminds me of a Two Sisters kit?! I LOVE the colors in this bedding. I will be sad when he outgrows it.

Finally

The whole theory about movement in the adoption process when you're about to crack is still holding true for us. Rob commented over coffee early this morning that I looked like I was about to lose it. I was apparently clenching my jaw without even realizing it and generally looking like I was wound as tight as could be.

I decided to take that into consideration and risked calling the National Visa Center as soon as they opened this morning. I say "risk" because I was worried that if I got more bad news, that I'd be distracted and cranky on my LONG day of conference calls today. When I realized I was going to be more distracted not knowing, I dialed.

The lady on the phone asked all the usual questions... I could hear her clicking away on her keyboard. When she asked for the beneficiary's name, I was sure she was about to tell me -- again -- that they only show our 2005 case in the system. My heart sunk. I heard more clicking, then she asked MY name. I immediately realized she was confirming what she was seeing on the screen.

Her next question was "How can I help you?" I was confused for a second, thinking: Lady, I just asked you for the status of my I600. I replied that I wanted a status update and she said it was logged in yesterday.

I realize these details are beyond tedious for anyone not familiar with the process, but I swear, as soon as I hung up the phone, I thought to myself that this kind of joy at a minor step must be what a pregnant woman thinks/feels when she feels her baby kick for the first time.

He'll be home soon and I'm soooo happy about it!

Still waiting

I'm seriously TIRED. OF. WAITING.

I can't believe how long it's taking Max's papers to leave the National Visa Center. In my months of obsessing over timelines, this is one step that seems to just fly by for everyone. This is so NOT where I was expecting to find a delay.

If you're not intimately acquainted with the international adoption process, the Cliff's Notes version is that you have lots of paperwork from two governments to deal with. Some papers are approved on both sides independent of one another, but Korea needs to receive final clearance from the U.S. at this point before Max can have his visa physical and be scheduled for travel.

We are so close, yet really feeling so far right now.

We spent the day making great progress on the nursery. It's really starting to look like a baby's room again and I am in LOVE with the crib bedding I got for Max. I am fairly certain I can find any Pottery Barn Kids product I could ever need on Ebay... and almost on demand. So far, I've gotten Max's quilt, bumper, pillow sham, bed skirt, and matching valances all for way less than half of what I would have paid in the store. For my scrappy friends, every time I look at the pattern, it makes me think of a yummy Two Sisters digi kit! The colors are perfection and provided at least one day's distraction from my total obsession with our paperwork.

We got to go out to dinner last night with just Kim and Ted for literally the first time in years last night. We almost always just stay at one of our houses while the kids play. We can only think of one other meal in a restaurant that we've had together in the nearly four years Sam's been home. Hard to believe! It was soooo nice to go out for Mexican food (our mutual favorite) and margaritas while the kids happily played at church. Ironically enough, the family that sat down behind us at the restaurant had two little Korean boys with them!

So far, my Lenten sacrifice of all digiscrap purchases has technically been going well, but it has been a LONG week. One of my pastor's gave me the whole reason behind not observing Lent on Sundays when I was at Bible study this week... I'm still trying to decide if I want to look anywhere tomorrow, or just hold off. I will say that I'm getting a ton more scrapping done now that I'm not spending so much time just staring at all the pretty things in various digi shops. I've also got tons of CT stuff to work with, so I'm by no means truly deprived. I've been quite happy this week getting to play with Karah Fredricks' newest stuff. She had a "bring a friend to work" guest CT this month, and my buddy Keely asked me to join them for March. I am going to be very, very quiet in the forum toward the end of the month and hope that Karah doesn't notice that I'm still hanging around. ;-)

Baby News

Yesterday was one of those days... I have heard lots of adoptive parents say over the years that just when you think you can't take waiting any longer, something in the process gives.

I was probably even more anxious yesterday about our wait for travel than I was for a match back in December. I can provide some context by explaining that I obsess over the stats of where other families are in process on the Holt message board. It's really the only glimpse, however unscientific, you have as to how things are moving within various agencies.

We were quite surprised to learn Max's emigration permit had been approved in Korea in January. We'd just gotten his American immigration application sent over not a week before that, so we were just convinced the universe was totally working in our favor (not that we don't believe that now...) and that Max was going to be home in record time.

(I sound rather composed about all of this don't I? That's because I'm typing this two weeks after the fact, when my kitchen is done, I have running water and Sam's moved into a new room. By no means are we totally ready right now, but we are positively light years ahead of where we were on that particular day.)

We tried to be patient waiting for the I600 approval. I saw other families in New Jersey report getting theirs very quickly. I thought I'd get a letter last week and have been virtually pouncing on the poor mail guy the instant he darkens my doorstep. I had no luck for days on end, then got a letter with the appropriate postmark on it on Saturday morning. I squealed, opened it, and read a form letter indicating that USCIS had received our application and would process it.

"Please expect 10 weeks for approval from date of receipt."

Oh, and don't even bother calling before then.

I freaked. My stress level went way up and I had a hard time thinking of anything else for the next few days.

Yesterday, I woke up just feeling like it *had* to be approved and maybe we'd somehow missed the letter. Well, when the mail came and was nothing but junk, I decided I was going to call the office anyway, but that I'd wait till the 3 hour window opened every Wednesday afternoon for freakishly hyper parents like myself to try to get through to an officer.

I tried and tried when I wasn't on conference calls. I tried searching online. I tried to dig up the number for a specific agent in Newark that is legendarily awesome. Nothing.

I called Rob and begged him to get home before the window closed so I could take a conference call and so he could try calling, too. I heard him upstairs rooting through papers and he asked me one question (can't recall what it was) before I could hear him talking to someone.

He came down the stairs and I put my phone on mute, prepared to get whatever news he had. He said nothing and started out the door to go get Sam. I hissed at him to tell me what happened and he replies, "Everything's fine. We were approved today."

I don't know how he managed to be so deadpan. Really. The man could be a guard at the Tower of London, I'm now convinced.

So, that's all a long way of saying we're a huge step farther ahead and definitively closer to having our baby home where he belongs.

Sorry the story got so long. I guess it's not surprising... I use this blog mainly to capture my thoughts from time to time, though, so I don't usually write focused on who's reading. I save that for work. :-)

Other than just the facts of where we're at, I can also now officially say that this wait has been WAY harder than I thought it would be. I managed to stay occupied while the house was in disarray, but I must have been planning for the baby to arrive as soon as life started to get back to normal. Every day that we wait just seems FOREVER.

I confess to wrestling with all of the emotions that surfaced years ago when we were in process and adopting Sam. I see so many people be able to build families in blissful ignorance to how hard it can be for others. I can't blame them and truly envy that. I wouldn't change for one second what we've been through and what has come of it, but I still fight the bitterness and questions of the struggle that are part and parcel of adopting.

I heard a story recently of someone I know and respect who said of adoption (clearly not around me) that she couldn't understand why anyone who can't have children "of their own" would ever adopt. She claimed every single thing that I HATE about the lack of awareness some seem to have. She said you can't love an adopted child the same way and that people who can't give birth are completely crazy to adopt from other countries. I can't put into words how hurtful it was to hear this, even third or fourth hand. I don't know that I'll ever be able to look at her the same way again. Actually, I know I won't. There was more to the comments, but I can't even give them justice by repeating them.

I know that most of this pain will magically dissipate the instant I get to hold Baby Max in my arms and see him with his Daddy and big brother. I just struggle more on some days than others and wish with all my heart that it could just *happen* without the waiting and the anxiousness and the publicness that it must have. I know a lot of pregnant people right now and think rather wistfully of the "luxury" (in my mind) of not finding out what sex your baby might be or not sharing the news until you're in a safe period.

I don't want to sound like I begrudge anyone the happiness and joy pregnancy and children bring. I don't. I just suppose I need to deal with some toxic emotions before they bug me too much more.

That brings me, in a very roundabout way, to my Lenten sacrifice. Last year, I focused very intentionally on prayer and devotions, but with all I've been feeling lately, I felt like I really needed an exercise in faithful sacrifice to realign my priorities. I think it will be a good reminder for me to remember Who is with me through all of this and what the ultimate reward really is.

I thought long and hard about what daily pleasure and habit would make an impact and decided not to buy any scrapping supplies during Lent. I do have plenty with which to work to actually scrap, but the shopping part of this hobby is a HUGE part of it for me. Rather than spend the time poking around on website and blogs looking for new product and sales, I want to be reminded and be more focused on getting myself in the best possible frame of mind and to do additional devotions.

I had a tiny bit of guilt about this since I know so many designers struggle in an economy like this since scrapping isn't exactly a necessity, but I figure I can work harder on marketing for the designers I CT for during this time to somehow cosmically make up for the lack of global income that begins in my PayPal account.

At the rate I seem to post, here's hoping that my next one is about Max's TRAVEL CALL!

I'm behind

Falling behind. This seems to be the theme of my life right now. I seriously don't think I've ever felt so busy in my entire life.

I like to think I have good reason, but at the end of the day, I still just feel like I can't keep up with myself.

Most of the stuff keeping us busy is good...

The kitchen is almost done. After nearly seven weeks of cooking and eating in our living room and more restaurant food (and the associated calories) than I care to remember, we are thisclose to being able to cook a meal and sit down at an actual table to eat it. At one point last week, when things had slowed down a bit as we waited for some bits and pieces to come in so the contractors could keep working, we practically begged the poor man running the show to install our sink and faucet before the weekend. It sounds minor, but even once we could cook, not being able to rinse anything off pretty much ended our hopes of eating at home. As we said to him, we're not proud, demanding people. We just want to cook an egg. Is that so wrong?!

Drama aside, I am seriously happy with how the whole kitchen turned out. I'm not sure how people manage the details of building an entire house, though, as it felt like a second full-time job at times. We spent a fair amount of money to make these improvements, but we did wait 10 years to do it and it's made me fall in love with my house. I'm seriously convinced I will never leave. I now have a nice kitchen and a finished basement for all the monster truck clutter. If a certain family would get on the stick and move their stuff to a certain address, I could be persuaded to live the rest of my days in this very spot.

The even bigger news of the last month or so is that the paperwork for Baby Max (which has become his full name to practically every person I know) is moving along nicely. I did have a moment last week in which I was CONVINCED he was literally on his way home, but alas, it would appear that paperwork is done in a completely different order than it was in 2005 when Sam came home, and Max's arrival is still most likely a few weeks away. That doesn't stop me from harboring hope that his I600 approval somehow managed to slip by me and that he just needs a quick visa interview and plane ticket to be on his way to where he belongs.

If he were to arrive this week, however, he might have second thoughts and ask to go back from whence he came. Our house still looks like the construction zone it's been for weeks and you would have no idea that Rob and I have invested considerable time and conversation in the creation of rooms for both of our children by looking at the place. (For any editor friends reading, my apologies for <<<< that <<<< ridiculously long sentence.)

Thanks to our dear friends Ted and Kim, we have made serious progress in the baby gear department and have gotten one room upstairs emptied out so that we can start the process of actually making space for an 18 lb. child to sleep. When Ted arrived to help Rob move the queen-sized bed out of the guest room so that we could move my office in there, he regaled us with his own brand of logic and swiftly convinced us that all the monkeying around with the rooms upstairs was unnecessary. (We'd planned to move my office to the guest room; Sam to my office and Max into Sam's room.) Our plans were perfectly sensible until Ted stood in the upstairs landing and basically called us on our obvious lack of spatial relations skills, thereby demonstrating the complete ridiculousness of moving an extra room. So, my office stays put. We'll get a daybed for my dad to sleep in when he visits and Sam will move into a new "big boy" room while Max gets the nursery.

This move is not happening a minute too soon for Sam's taste. He informed me that there is a crack in the wall beneath his current bedroom window and that he just couldn't sleep there anymore. He led me by the hand to show me the offensive flaw, and pointed to a minuscule nail head pop. Hey, we all rationalize in our own ways.

Other tidbits from the last month:

* We will either boycott Ikea for life for their lack of supply of any single suite of furniture with which to decorate Sam's room... Or we will cave and realize that despite how ticked off we are right now, the Heimdal and Hemnes furniture designs are still the best deal around when it comes to kid furniture. Seriously. Rob despises having to go to Ikea, yet we've been there three times in seven days and have nothing but a random set of twin bed slats to show for it.

* Franklin is officially the most neurotic dog on the planet. We've always known he was easily spooked. I also quickly realized that I could not leave the house during construction lest he completely freak out at every random person and tool that darkened our doorstep. Five weeks into the process, the poor guy had had enough and had what I have now learned was a cluster seizure (five seizures in 15 min.) He was given a Xanax prescription to get him through the duration of the project and will be transitioned to another, milder anti-anxiety drug in order to prevent another episode when Baby Max arrives. Something tells me he will be the least excited of anyone in our house at a new child joining our family.

* Sam is still making great progress on the caffeine solution we started and got a glowing pre-K report from his teacher. He still has issues with episodes of silliness at school, but his handwriting is downright legible now and he is actually reading words to us without prompting. He's also turned out to be a stunningly talented Wii bowler and boxer. My hopes of him getting a college scholarship have shifted thusly. I'm sure that by the time he needs to enter university, someone will have recognized the talent he has and will bankroll his Ivy League education solely based on his ability to throw a Wii Turkey.

New Creative Team

Meredith Cardall, a scrapper turned designer that I have admired for a long time put out a call a couple of weeks ago for some new creative team members. I was thrilled that she asked me to join her team! They're such a nice, fun group...and we get to play with super cute scrap stuff. A perfect deal all around. You can check out her shop here.

I'm totally excited, too, today to watch all of the Inaugural festivities. I am camped out at the downstairs desk so I can watch everything while I catch up on email and some writing projects. I am sure I will blog later with my thoughts from the day. I already got chills once when I saw the first shots of the people gathered on The Mall in DC. This seems like a day that, no matter what your political bent is, we will be telling our children and grandchildren about for years to come.

One of my first thoughts today was that Sam doesn't really realize how important today is, but he knows we're excited. In some respects, I think it's great that he will grow up never knowing that the color of your skin can be a barrier to certain jobs. I didn't choose a name for him that easily follows the title "Senator" for no reason!

Nesting

I'm quickly figuring out that doing the preparation required to welcome a young child into your home is harder when you already have another young child in your house. Duh.

As it turns out, Sam isn't really that interested in crib bedding or any of the other stuff that's needed to get Max's room ready. Why that surprises me is beyond me. Understandably, the only part of this particular phase of preparation that captures Sam's attention is the one in which he gets a new big boy bed that doubles as a fort.

I wish there were a simpler way to make all this happen. When Sam came home, not only did we not have another kid to entertain, we also didn't have all that much stuff living in the room that was to be his. In this case, we have stuff to shift around in three different rooms. Considering one is currently my office, it's no small undertaking. I shudder to think of the hassle that will begin once I need to get MCI and Verizon both out to rewire my new office all while the final phase of the kitchen remodel is taking place.

***

On a more serious note, I'm just plain sad today. A friend of our dear friends Kim and Ted has been fighting cancer for over a year. He has had numerous complications, but I have prayed for so long that a miracle would come their way. Sadly, J passed away last night. If you could, please pray that his family can find some comfort and healing right now. He has two young children and a wife, in addition to numerous friends and USAF collegues, who will miss him terribly.

Dining ala NOLA

See that lovely photo? That's pretty much what I saw when I entered a famed New Orleans eating establishment last night for dinner. I'm pretty sure I'm scarred for life.

I was in New Orleans for work this week. Since my friend and coworker Jeff hails from the city, he was nice enough to make sure I got the full experience while there. No touristy restaurants for us. Nope, we planned to eat REAL NOLA food this week.

First stop? Some place right outside of downtown that was supposed to be famous for barbecued shrimp. Sounded yummy to me. I love shrimp and, being from Kansas City, I was sure I knew what the word barbecued meant.

Not so much. As it turns out, New Orleanians somehow think sticking shrimp in a pan, covering it with STICKS of butter and tons of garlic and then roasting it in the oven somehow qualifies as barbecue. Far be it for me to judge, though, so I adjusted my expectations and waited for the dish to be served. I was a bit surprised that our waiter tied a paper bib around my neck before the shrimp arrived. I eat shrimp pretty regularly and have never felt the need for that level of wardrobe protection.

I quickly figured out the reason for the bib when two bowls of fully intact shrimp came to the table. Now, I've seen shrimp with the legs and shells still on. I know all about peel-and-eat shrimp and always manage to avoid eating it. The closest I come to needing to remove my meal from it's original habitat is cracking an egg for breakfast.

Imagine my surprise, then, when the bowl contained shrimp with not just legs and shells, but also heads and eyeballs. And whiskers that were so long they draped over the side of the bowl. I stared at my dish and quickly decided I had enough extra meat on my body to make it till morning without eating.

Jeff, gentleman that he is, rolled up his sleeves and took care of the peeling for both of us. It was nice. He would do all the yucky stuff (laughing at my prissiness the whole time) and deposit completely peeled shrimp on my plate. I noticed a dark line down the back of my shrimp and was afraid that it might be shrimp poo, so I took care of removing that. Jeff found it hysterical that I would assume shrimp came with poop on their backs, but it turns out I was RIGHT. Ew. Word to the wise: deveining shrimp is a fancy way of saying you're taking off the shrimp's intestines that still are filled with fishy fecal matter.

So... after this little experience, I was all too happy to eat hotel food for the next 36 hours or so. Well, last night, my boss was with Jeff and I and decides that we should go out in search of good jambalaya. Jeff proceeds to pile us into his car and take us deep into the French Quarter to a local spot that was supposed to have the best jambalaya in the city.

We checked out the menu, then stepped inside to eat. I was the first one through the door and exclaimed, "Look at the cute little dog" as we walked in. It was rather dim in the restaurant, and I thought that I was looking at a small terrier dog. I realized a second later that it was actually a kitten that lived there.

Weird, I thought. I also wondered aloud (as did Marty and Jeff) how a restaurant manages to pass health inspection when a feline takes up residence in the front window. Well... that should have been the least of my concerns.

I thought this cat was a dog because it appeared to have whiskers that were all fluffy on it's face. Jeff looked more closely and realized the whiskers were actually the front and back end of a mouse sticking out of the cat's mouth.

Ew.

I am pretty sure I became nothing but a blur as I exited the restaurant as fast as my legs could carry me. Now, the whole place was about as big as my living room. It did not go unnoticed that I was not happy to have encountered a rodent on my way into dinner. Jeff grabbed me and drug me back in, saying "it's fine.. .they ran off." Well, by the time I got back inside (and I'm still not sure why I agreed to go back in in the first place) the cat and mouse were back, and the cat dropped the mouse at my feet. I completely freaked and went outside again.

As chivalrous as Jeff's shrimp cleaning gesture was, he and Marty decided this mouse was no big deal, and stayed inside. Seeing as I don't know this city well, I pretty much had to suck it up and go back inside. I sat there like a grumpy little girl, refusing to open my menu and keeping my feet propped up under the table lest the little critters decide to play near me again. I did end up eating the best shrimp creole I've ever had, but I am sure I will never forget that experience.

I'm pretty sure Jeff and Marty realize in retrospect that I will also never let them forget that they made me stay.

And, to mark the occasion, I'll also note here that today is four weeks since we were matched with Max. One month down, two or more to go. I had a feeling the first month would pass quickly and it actually has. I think it will only get harder from here.

Max's new crib bedding arrived today and it's cuter than the picture on the Pottery Barn Kids website would have you know. I am even more pleased now than I was last week when I found an amazingly cheap deal on Ebay to buy it!

The Word

Your Word is "Peace"

You see life as precious, and you wish everyone was safe, happy, and taken care of. Social justice, human rights, and peace for all nations are all important to you. While you can't stop war, you try to be as calm and compassionate as possible in your everyday life. You promote harmony and cooperation. You're always willing to meet someone a little more than halfway.

What's Your Word?

According to the online version of a Magic-8 ball (aka blogthings) I have apparently chosen the wrong word for 2009. Not that I don't enjoy peace any way I can get it, but I think I'm going to stick with "focus" this year. Not to get too deep into a silly internet quiz, but I think trying to stay focused is what will bring me peace.

The kitchen saga continues. I'm viewing every inevitable delay and drama as the silver lining to the maddening wait to bring Max home. It's hard to know he's living with someone else and nothing but red tape stands between us. Well, red tape and a huge ocean and maybe a continent or two. I digress...

The kitchen. It's still a big, ugly hole. The very first "uh oh" moment came when we discovered the wall that was meant to be removed, thereby giving us enough space to entertain more than one guest at a time, was home to the HVAC ducts that go to our room and the nursery. Lots and lots of discussion and math (and you can imagine how well I did with that one) and we ended up routing one duct through the floor and are leaving one where it is. As it turns out, there was an error on the CAD drawing of the kitchen, and we never could have taken the wall back as far as we thought we could. At least not without having a giant black refrigerator sticking out, making it the first thing you'd see when you entered our house. Not exactly the aesthetic we were going for.

So... imagine this. Now we wait some more. What a novel concept for the Becker family.

There is still work being done, but the cabinets that were ordered in early October and should have arrived by Thanksgiving are now not coming until January 23rd. Nice, huh? Luckily, the nice guys working in our house are continuing to do everything that can be done and have simply decided to finish everything else, and hang the cabinets as the final touches. I guess the real finishing touch will be the backsplash, which clearly can't be done until the cabinets are in.

On a more somber, personal note, I've spent a great deal of time lately reflecting on how fragile life is. While we are feeling over the moon at the impending arrival of our son, I feel like I am almost constantly hearing of bad news from people I know. It's sobering to feel almost giddy with excitement one minute, only to recall the numerous others that we know (not to mention so many we obviously don't) who need miracles right now.