Pardon the mess...

Working on a fancy pants new blog design. I'm having one little technical issue, which is why you see the background you do. Sales pitch: Becca Bonneville is AWESOME and coming to my rescue!! Hit up 2Peas if you need a pretty bloggie, too!

Natural Disasters

This has certainly been an interesting week for a vacation. We had absolutely beautiful weather early in the week... It was only 80 degrees when we visited Ocean City on Monday.

Tuesday, though, we experienced our very first earthquake. Amazingly, as many people that felt it, I haven't heard of anyone seriously hurt. My dogs might argue that they have been mentally exhausted. If I ever doubted what they can detect, I shouldn't. They both woke up around 1ish this morning, pacing, whimpering and generally acting looney. I woke up to find out that there had been a decent aftershock around that time. I didn't feel a thing (maybe a testament to my memory foam matress topper?!) but they definitely noticed something was amiss.

Today, it's been dark, dreary and rainy all day. I think we might get a reprieve for a while tomorrow, but only long enough to brace for Hurricane Irene that is headed our way on Saturday.

Why am I talking about the weather so much? Surely I have better things to say after such a long blogging break. All of this is to capture how utterly excited I am that along with my fever, my barometric pressure-induced headaches seem to also be a thing of the past. This kind of crazy back-and-forth weather *should* have me hiding in bed, holding my head and wishing someone would invent a drug to fix things for me. Instead, I'm enjoying watching the rain, cuddled up in a blanket with a lovely book and a fresh glass of iced coffee. It's nice. Really, really nice.

I think I'm back

I just looked at the date of my last post. Holy cow. It's been more than a year since I've blogged. As I said to an online friend yesterday, I just sort of gave up when I had what seemed like only icky things to talk about. Mind you, the past year hasn't been a bad one overall. I just don't like whining about personal stuff and I felt like it was all I could think about.

Here's the update: I had a fever for about 16 months. I'd also had it several years ago. Both times, I'd been examined up and down and inside out with no real answers. The stress, not to mention the fatigue, joint paint, etc. were exhausting. Well, after what seemed like a sure rheumatoid arthritis diagnosis, I went to a rheumatologist to get another opinion and find out what treatment I would need. I was DREADING the idea of more steriods. Well, within literally about 30 seconds, the guy told me that he thought if I stopped taking my Singulair, I'd probably lose the fever.

Lo and behold, about a day later I had no fever. Today is 14 days since that appointment and I am still fever free. I also have a ton more energy and virtually no joint pain. I still feel a little in my hands, but that doctor as well as a few others were so kind as to point out a couple of "age-related" issues I seem to have welcomed into my life.

The timing for the fever's end was perfect since we are all on vacation together this week. So far, we've had a day at the beach, a park day (with a little earthquake action thrown in for good measure) and a day at Storybookland. I've had plenty of energy for everything and feel better than I have in years. Yay me.

The boys probably deserve their own update. Sam is seven and as ready as he'll ever be to start second grade. He's currently quite happy to have learned that one of his best buddies is in his class this year. Max just turned three and will be be going back to the Laurel Tree Academy full-time. We *think* this will make this year a bit more manageable for all of us.

I'll try to be better about updating. I'm kind of regretting not capturing a few more of the daily kid stories than I have lately. The scrapbooks are good, but there's something different about just writing about what's going on.

HOT

I can sum up the time I've been away in one little word: HOT. Once school was out, we headed off to Disney World, a trip we've been planning for months now. I'm nearly certain that the term "hell on Earth" was coined by someone visiting the Magic Kingdom with small children in July. There are no other words to describe that particular place at that particular time of year.

I called my mom on her birthday while we were away only to hear that the weather back home was glorious. Not 12 hours after we landed back home, the craziest heat wave to hit our area in years descended upon us. I'm beginning to feel punished! It's supposed to be 100+ degrees for the next few days... I may or may not survive.

Oh, the actual trip to Disney: it was fun. I will now admit that I "get" what people are talking about. Since I'm safely ensconced in air conditioning I can also now admit that we didn't get to see enough while there. I went into the week wanting to just enjoy our time there and make sure no one got sick in the heat. Modest goals if you ask me.

We did accomplish both of those objectives and managed to find plenty to make both kids happy. I can definitely see why a trip sans children would be a fun time. It just may happen for Kelli's 40th in January, too. I'm sure I will have far more patience when the weather is in the 60s/70s!

The highlight of the trip for both boys turned out to be -- who knew? -- Donald Duck. Max went silly screaming "DUCK!" every time he saw him. Thank goodness no one thought there was a heavy object coming their way. He was quite forceful about his shouting. Sam also quickly discovered the whole pin trading phenomenon and set out to collect every unusual Donald Duck pin he could find. He was pretty successful, too. It was so cute to see him approach any and every cast member he could find to trade. I've managed to block out what this little activity cost... To be fair, he did "earn" $100 in Disney gift cards for good behavior in the weeks leading up to the trip. He also did a fantastic job of budgeting what he had while we were there. We only added a bit extra at the end (he doesn't realize he'd run out, which is fine...) to acquire one particular pin that he was DYING to nab but lost out on.

It's hard to believe I'm back to work tomorrow. What's even harder to believe is that I only have nine days left with the American Cancer Society. I'll wax more nostalgic about that in a few days, I'm sure. The reality hasn't completely set in just yet. Well, it's set in somewhat, since I've already had two meeting requests from fellow staff members at church! They are being incredibly gracious about asking me to put things on my calendar for the first week. For now, I'm focusing on leaving things as tidy as possible at ACS and making sure I feel ready for such a big shift in gears.

So far, so good

I don't have a ton of time to post, but I wanted to document that while I've been fairly steady weight-wise for weeks, the change in what I'm eating seemed to kick things into gear! Yay me... I've lost two pounds in four days. Handmade, organic, whole grain spinach, tomato and garlic fettucine was the highlight of my day today. It's the little things that make me happy.

Day One is easy

I was weirdly thrilled to buy lots of groceries at Whole Foods yesterday... I also picked up super supplements that my mom is convinced could save the world. It had been a while since I'd done much shopping there, and I'm pretty sure the number of vegans in my region must have increased exponentially in that period of time. I was amazed at the vast selection of EVERYTHING for those who don't do food with a face. (I must say, though, that I think WF slaps a vegan label on anything they can... I saw several baked goods that I'm pretty sure have always been vegan, but some genius in marketing saw an opportunity and had a roll of stickers in his/her hand.)

I realize it's only 2:13 p.m., but I'm still happy I've done well. I had yogurt with lowfat granola and berries for breakfast. I'm having carrots, cucumbers and whole wheat pretzels with white bean dip for lunch, along with a bottle of Morroccan Mint Honest Tea. I was ravenous after church when I met up with the boys at a party, but I was easily able to not eat the pizza and cake they were serving.

I'm going to spend the rest of today figuring out if we can convince Rosie to go in a crate when we're gone. She is an absolutely lovely animal, but I'm concerned that her level of neuroticism is going to give us all problems. I don't know how long she cries when I leave, but she's at the window, clawing for her life when I leave and when I return. She's torn curtains and ripped into drywall with her scratching, so I think it's safe to say she's got a bad case of anxiety. I'm going to see if putting her in a crate where she feels safer helps at all.

I just re-read this post. Wow, does my life sound exciting or what?!

A New Beginning

After another round of mismatched symptoms and blood tests, I've decided that I am going need to use my control freak tendencies to my advantage to do more than just diet. I'm convinced that I need a pretty radical change to be healthier overall. For once, I am not going to make weight loss my top priority. That's kind of daunting, but I also think doing so prevents me from making long-term change.

Don't get me wrong. I think Weight Watchers, in particular, is awesome. But I think I'm finally becoming honest enough with myself to know when I take liberties that I shouldn't because it seems like I'm still "on plan" when in reality I'm only hurting myself.

I also know that we have lots of reasons (which are really just more excuses) for not doing what we need to do. We are busy, but so is everyone else. We have a very picky eater living with us, but so do lots of other parents. The truth is that we haven't prioritized our health to the degree we should.

So, while I wait for Rob to return from Costco with lots of our "regular" fresh veggies and fruit, I'm doing some flexitarian/part-time vegetarian/healthy living research and preparing for an exploratory trip to Trader Joe's and Whole Foods while Max naps. The child will go to sleep with Pop Tarts in the house and wake up to more steel cut oats.

Actually, the kids and even Rob are a hurdle in all of this. I had enough of a meltdown this week over feeling miserable that I think Rob's on board, but I'm not sure exactly how we'll tackle incorporating all of this for the kids. I have decided that we can take that as it goes as long as I am always putting out the effort to make the right choices for myself. I'm not deluded enough to think that things like lentil rice pilaf are going to take the place of chicken nuggets for at least one of my children anytime soon.

I'm a control freak

Odd that, while I've known this about myself for years, I don't think I've actually been willing to believe it about myself until this week. There's so much up in the air right now, that I'm finding it hard to focus, hard to sleep, hard to keep my wits about me from moment to moment.

I want to be patient and take things as they come, but things like a baby who is in the throes of a total food throwing phase test every last fiber of my nervous system. Luckily, I find myself able to take a step back *almost* in the moment to realize that said child is doing nothing but practicing motor skills and having fun. He loves me and certainly would NOT be tossing banana at the back of my head were he to know that I was about to crack about deadlines, expected phone calls, schedules for three other human beings, etc.

So... I decided just today that while there's lots I can't control in life, I can control how controlling I am. Poetic, right? Basically I'm trying to promise myself to take a few more deep breaths than I usually do before I start to feel the stress ball in my stomach begin to well up. I'm sure that the stress will still be there, but no one but me is ultimately affected if I let it get to me. So I won't. Or at least I'll try not to. Now... Who's going to volunteer to keep me honest?!

I figured it out...

For some reason, I've felt the need to be entirely too self-critical when it dawns on me how long I am able to go without posting to my blog. I usually let myself off the hook, but yesterday I found myself wondering what exactly keeps me from writing.

I love to preserve memories. So that made me think that I do that in so many other ways that maybe I don't feel the NEED to blog, too?

I like to write. So that made me think that I am doing a lot more wordy stuff with the way my job has changed. Maybe THAT sucks the need to write about myself out of me?

I like to share cool, funny stories. So that made me think that I have Facebook for that.

There you have it. Lots of "reasons," but really nothing more significant that a busy life and too many distractions. It was actually seeing a service to print my blog that brought me back here today. I want to do a better job of capturing stories as they happen. When I go back and read old posts, I realize I do it well sometimes, not so well others. If I DO do it well, I really could create a fun memory book for the kids that involves no scrapping. Imagine that!

I suppose I have other reasons for keeping to myself more than usual lately, but I also like to think I'm entitled to that. Look at me telling myself it's all ok, no matter what! Oh, well. We all know I'm a pretty open book. I'll get back in the groove somehow, sometime and be a better blogger. Ah... Someday.

No big surprise

I suppose it was going to happen at some point. After living under the same roof as a family of four for nearly a year now, we've finally all managed to get the same germ. We have become experts at lining up illnesses one behind the other, but it's a whole new world to have four people sick at the same time. Not fun. I am counting my lucky stars, however, that this particular virus is not of the intestinal variety. I could go the rest of my life without *that* shared experience.

So, we'll be going off en masse to our respective doctors tomorrow. If I knew how to do it, I'd quickly buy stock in some pharmaceutical company, since I have a feeling that at least a couple of us will be on antibiotics by this time tomorrow.

All of this newfound germiness means a rare-these-days pajama day for us. We scored a trip to Ikea yesterday before the last of us fell, so Rob is being more industrious than I have the energy to be, constructing a new dresser for Max's expanding wardrobe. I'm trying to keep the boys out of the danger zone (not only are there tools and small parts in the vicinity, I have a feeling a few choice words will also fly before the project is complete.)

In other news, Sam is home for his first ever spring break this week. Since the holiday child care program was going to be more trouble than it seemed to be worth for us, I'm preparing for a week of childcare swaps and bribery in order to get my job done with him at home. We'll also be fitting in the annual Becker Passover seder and yet another visit with a state case manager to finalize details for Max's next round of therapy. We're fortunate that our daycare center is awesome and is going to let him have speech therapy there, so that we're not trying to manage a second afternoon therapy appointment each week.

My other huge task is to kick the Easter Bunny in gear this week. I probably should have had a word with Mr. Bunny while I was not shadowed by a precocious kindergartner, but Rob and I had back-to-back work trips, so eggs and cellophane grass just weren't on my radar.

Date Day!

Last week was slooooow and busy all at the same time thanks to -- count them -- TWO blizzards. I actually can't recall the last time we had measurable snowfall twice in a single week let alone two bona fide blizzards. For the record, the news tells me we had 44.3 inches in five days. We're supposed to get another storm tonight, but I think this one is only bringing a couple of inches. I doubt the school districts will even blink. Thank goodness.

Having everyone home for most of the week made the week drag to some degree, but we were still frantically busy trying to keep the kids occupied and get ourselves and anyone else who needed us dug out from under the snow. And, of course, when you work from home and your office is technically in Atlanta, there is no such thing as a snow day. So I was trying to manage conference calls and all kinds of assignments while Rob managed the kids and finding stuff for them to do ALL DAY for TWO DAYS.

That's what convinces me that we earned today. Because of the Dec. 20 snow day that Sam got and Rob did not, Sam has school today. Rob and I both, though, have President's Day off, so we're having an official date day. It's an incredibly rare event that we have that much child care working in our favor... I literally can't recall the last time we went out alone just because we wanted to. Rob has a terrible cold. I have dentist appointment. Rob has several Relay volunteers calls to make. I have an assignment that I really need to focus on without the phone ringing. BUT... We're still going to lunch and movie, darn it. We will have fun today if it kills us!

MIA

I haven't been MIA in general (Facebook will prove that) but I have been awfully neglectful of my dear blog. We've had a busy couple of months fraught with lots of change (at work) and illness (at home.) I've also been working on a new project that I'm totally excited about... Details on that to come.

I figured the best way to jump back into MommyMo is just to post my Project 365 layouts. That pretty much covers a good portion of the time I've been absent from this particular place. I'm pretty excited that I've yet to miss a day taking a photo. I have never been particularly inspired to do that (ahem...I've been scared of failure..ahem) but when I looked at photos at the end of the year and saw how MUCH the kids had changed, I suddenly wanted to capture a piece of every single day to see what it tells me at the end of 2010. The boys are both at ages that will bring lots of change, so it should be fun and rewarding to commit to P365.











Look how coordinated and organized it looks using this kit! I'm NEVER this organized, but am going to love this album at the end of the year, I'm sure. I you want to use the kit yourself, it's from the lovely Leora Sanford at Little Dreamer Designs.

A Whole Year

As I sit here to type, Baby Max is sitting in the exact spot next to the Christmas tree, playing with his toys, that Sam was when this photo was taken. It's hard to believe that it's already been a whole year since we got the phone call that we'd waited so long for.

I still remember the weeks leading up to Dec. 18, 2008. I knew in my gut that we'd be matched any day, but I was frustrated beyond words to wait so long. I did NOT want to go through Christmas still wondering who my baby was... I was at a meeting in Atlanta for a couple of days that week, and sat with my phone in my lap the entire time, ready to bolt from the room when I saw a number from Trenton on the Caller ID. I was incredibly disappointed to board a flight back home, knowing that the phone call hadn't come. I got off the plane and didn't step 10 feet into the gate before I checked voicemail, only to hear that I had no new messages. It was at that point that I decided to mentally adjust to enjoying Christmas with Sam and Rob and to stop worrying about the phone.

I left the airport and went straight to pick Sam up from school. It was a bit early, but I figured a bit of Toys R Us therapy and some Mommy/Sam time would make us both happy. I was driving down Route 38 when my phone rang. Pretty sure it was Rob, I went to grab it, wishing he'd waited just a few more seconds so I was in the parking lot (not that he would have known that!) I glanced down and realized that the phone number was from the Trenton area. I nearly drove off the road trying to answer!

Murielle, our branch director, asked me if it was a good time to talk. When I said, "of course... any time is a good time for a call from Holt!" she advised me to pull over and get to someplace safe. My stomach was in knots and my heart was racing.

She said, "Are you ready?!.... ..... .... I have great news. You have a son!"

It honestly took me a minute to process what she'd said. I was about 80% sure we'd be matched with a girl the second time, but we'd been very specific about saying that we had no gender preference. We figured it was up to God to match us with our child.

Murielle went on to tell me how cute he was, how big he was and all about his chubby cheeks! I sat in my car, trying to keep Sam from climbing out of the car and wiping the tears from my eyes.

Oddly, Sam and I still went into Toys R Us. I called Kim right away (right after I called Rob and my mom, of course!) and told her and Ted the fabulous news. Rob and I met up at home to check out the photos that Murielle had emailed while we settled Sam in with a new garbage trucks video. We instantly fell in love with a chubby, perfect little boy that we knew was meant for our family.

Rob had a dance to chaperone that night, so I went to Friendly's for dinner with my mom and Sam. We spent the entire afternoon and evening trying to figure out a baby name. I'd be so focused on girls' names that our list wasn't ready enough for a boy!

The name we'd figured we'd use for a boy, Henry, just didn't seem to fit when we looked at the photo. We struggled a bit, Rob wondering why I HAD to have him named, and decided to keep thinking that evening. I felt like I'd waited so long to know who my baby was that I NEEDED to be able to call him by the name we'd give him. We settled on Maxwell Owen at dinner, and I called Rob at the dance to be sure we were sticking with it. (I went on to call him Henry for about three weeks... oops!)

And that is the story of how my perfect little baby became a Becker. Waiting for him was the longest year of my life, but this past year has actually been one of the shortest. It's hard to believe he's already been here seven months and will be 17 months old tomorrow. He is making great progress with his therapy and has blossomed into a sweet, gentle, curious little boy.

I'm asked often how Sam is doing with him...The answer is that he's without exaggeration the best big brother I could have hoped he'd be. He's incredibly kind to Max and is always thinking of how to make him happy. Max, in turn, thinks Sam is about the coolest thing ever. I hope their relationship is always some version of this... Their bond is a beautiful thing.

Family

It's been a week since we legally and officially completed our family. I remembered how emotional Sam's finalization ceremony was for me, but I was (and am still) surprised at how significant is has felt to know that Max is ours forever.

Of course, I knew he was MY baby the minute I laid eyes on him. And I trusted that the process was working as it should, meaning (as I've explained to Sam) that God knows exactly which babies belong with which mommies and daddies... It doesn't matter how He brings you together. Forever families are just meant to be.

The court date was special this time, too, because we were given the opportunity to take place in National Adoption Day festivities. We were one of 32 families (and 37 children) being finalized on November 20, in Camden County. The wait to see the judge was long, but we passed the time with other families who were just as excited as we were. There was even one family adopting six siblings at once, and they were all dressed in purple, the youngest daughter's favorite color. It was adorable and almost overwhelming to witness. I was moved beyond words when I saw the family come of out of the courtoom. The dad was practically turning cartwheels down the hall! It's hard to imagine how big their hearts must be. It was clear that they were all very lucky, and happy, to have each other forever.

In the days since Max's finalization, I've stopped more times than I can count to just look and him and think about what it means to be forever linked together. I feel blessed beyond description to have the family that I do. While I will never forget the pain and emotional turmoil trying to have a family caused us, it was worth every single tear and sleepless night along the way to end up where we did. We have the everyday struggles that any family does, but I think that's what makes it so special. It was the run-of-the-mill that I wanted. I never wanted anything more than anyone else does... I just wanted children to love and raise with the knowledge that they are the center of their parents' universe. And that's just what I got.

Sam has definitely thought lately about what adoption means and he seems to have a very healthy grasp of it. He accepts without pretense that he didn't grow inside his mommy and that other mommies have also been a part of his life. He pretty much talks about adoption just like he talks about the fact that the sky is blue and the grass is green. It's just a regular part of his life. The fact that Rob and I talk about how happy we are about it is just part of our family culture to him. It doesn't seem "special" to him and I think that's a very good thing.

In fact, adoption is so "regular" to him that when he asked if the new family next door had kids for him to play with and I said "no, they don't have children yet, he replied, "Oh... They still need to adopt theirs?"

He does, however, notice that we do look different from one another at this point. We explored this issue a bit yesterday. He told me that I don't look like him. When I asked in what way he meant, he said, "Well, your skin is kind of light and red. You should probably put it in the light more so that it can be brown like mine."

I asked how else we were different. He said, "Mommy, you're not Korean."

His explanation? "You don't wear glasses like me and you like to wear slippers on your feet. I like to have bare feet." I had no idea that those were the criteria for being Korean!

Our week of family festivities wrapped up with a truly great Thanksgiving yesterday. We had a smaller than usual gathering, but it was really a lot of fun. We just hung out, ate way too much food, and then laughed and talked and played games until it was time for bed. It was a perfect family day.

It's been a while

I have had a busy few month or so, and find myself not blogging like I'd like to when things are either crazy or not-so-great. The last couple of months have been both, for various reasons, but I miss just spilling my guts on occasion, so I'm not going anywhere.

I won't recap the last few months in detail, but they go something like this: new job, work stress, ear infections, school adjustment, travel, grad school balance, more paperwork. Does ANY of that sound exciting? Lest you say the travel would be nice, it was all for work...

I did just return from a few days in North Carolina where we filmed another episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. The nice people at ABC rebuilt the house of a Relayer who desperately needed it. The family comes home today. I'm sure they will be thrilled! I'll keep you posted on an air date. Since the Relay we did was held in the midst of Hurricane Ida, you'll be hard pressed to pick me out of the masses of people wearing tacky navy blue rain gear purchased from Walmart.

Despite all of the stress of late, this past week has been a big blessing for our family. We baptized Max on Sunday, and the service was everything I'd hoped it would be. We are very blessed to attend a church that makes each baptism such a special and personal experience.

We're also finalizing Max's adoption on Friday. It's an even bigger relief this time than it was with Sam, probably because I know now we'll never have to do all of this hoop jumping again. We can just settle in as a family of four FOREVER! It's a formality to say that this is what Max a Becker, but it's still a very emotional time for us. We're also very proud that he'll soon be an American citizen. I promise to post pictures more than six weeks after the fact.

Conversation on the way to school

For the past few days, our family has been praying for the family of a little boy named Seth, who was adopted from Korea through the same adoption agency we used. We have gotten to know Seth and his parents, Liz and Scott, through the many functions that Holt adoptive families have hosted over the years. Liz is quite possibly the friendliest person ever born, and always makes sure to make us feel comfortable and welcome. For that reason, she was the very first person we ever met through Holt and we have stayed in touch for a long time.

We learned on Tuesday evening that Liz, Scott and Seth were in a horrible car accident on Sunday night. Sweet little Seth passed away and his mother is still critical and unaware that her son is gone. Scott is recovering at the hospital and forced to deal with this awful new reality alone at the moment (though I'm hearing many friends and family have been to see him...)

As we were driving to school today, the song "Jesus Take the Wheel" came on. There's a line in there about praying and Sam piped up and asked what "she" was praying for. We had a quick discussion about how you can really pray for anything... that's it's a way for you to talk to God no matter how you're feeling.

He replied, "I remember, Mommy. I've been praying for Seth and his family just like we talked about."

I started crying all over again, but was also so proud that my sweet little guy understands that prayer can bring comfort to people that you can't be with in a time of need.

Sam went on to say that he still prays for Ellie, the dog we lost a couple of years ago. I told him that was wonderful, and reminded him that you can pray for people that are still with you, too.

He said, "Right. Like firefighters."

I said, "Sure. We pray to keep them safe because their job is dangerous and to tell God we are thankful that they take care of us."

He said. "Well, I ask God to help them not be sweaty. It's hot in a fire."

Nothing like a little levity, even if it was not intentional!

Seeing clearly

Sam had his five-year-old check-up on Friday. Thanks to several factors over the years, we are more on a mid-way-through-the-year plan for his well visits...

It's now Sunday morning and I'm fairly sure I've still got a hearing loss as a result of this visit. I told Sam in the morning that I'd be picking him up from school early so he could go see the doctor. He immediately asked if he'd be getting any shots. I told him that I wasn't sure. He seemed to take it in stride.

We arrived at the office, and he asked the receptionist if he'd be getting any shots. She said she didn't know. Again, fine with him.

We get into the exam room, and he asks the nurse if he'd be getting any shots. She at first said she didn't know. Then, after his eye exam and blood pressure reading, he asked again. At that point, she reviewed his papers and saw that he was up to date, but had not had a flu shot yet. When I nodded that I did want him to have it, the freaking out began.

He screamed for about an hour "I DON'T WANT A SHOT. I DON'T WANT A SHOT. TAKE ME HOME. TAKE ME HOME NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW, MOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMY!"

It took the doctor a while to come in and finish the visit, for which we were able to have no meaningful conversation, despite the fact that he'd been evaluated for ADHD since we were last there. The nice man took pity on me and just covered the basics, I think.

I did learn that he's grown two inches in the last year and gained four pounds. He's a whopping 37 pounds when dressed now!

I was also quite surprised to see that he failed his vision exam. I never would have guessed that would happen, but I stood there and watched as he consistently confused a circle shape with house and heart shapes. I came home and made an appointment with a pediatric opthalmologist and am guessing we'll end up needing to get him glasses.

The funny part is that his Daddy has terrible vision. If his glasses come anywhere near my face, they give me an instant headache. Sam keeps grabbing them and putting them on. I yell at Rob to not allow that since it's got to be bad for Sam's eyes. Now I'm guessing that they aren't nearly as annoying to Sam as they are to me since he actually needs some help with his vision.

That same afternoon I tried to make an endocrinologist appointment for Rob. A very short version of the current situation is that Rob's experiencing some unusual symptoms related to his thyroid, the likes of which we have not seen since he was diagnosed with cancer 12 years ago. Our family doctor has determined that a good endocrinologist needs to assess him. I, of course, am a little concerned, as is Rob. We're obviously hopeful that nothing major will come of this, but it's scary nonetheless.

Lucky for us, there is a gigantic perk in working for the American Cancer Society in that when I expressed a bit of concern to my boss, I was quickly ushered to the deputy chief medical officer, who completely assessed Rob's symptoms and history and was able to placate me, saying that he was fairly sure there's not a recurrence, but still an endocrine issue that needs addressing. He strongly recommended we see a doctor at Johns Hopkins who is known as the best thryoid cancer expert in the world right now. I called the next day and learned that what we thought was good health insurance isn't recognized by that health system. We still think it's important to get checked out by this doctor, so are going to fork over an obscene amount of money for a consult.

I follow the health care reform debate very closely and recognize that there are many factors involved in what people see as the best plan. I consistently analyze what I'm hearing and still believe that it's a basic human right to have health care, particularly if you live in a country where it is so readily available. I also agree with my pastor who makes the point that Christians are directed to love their neighbors as they love themselves. Ensuring that your neighbor, no matter their financial status, can access health care is a clear example of that directive.

I could not stop thinking of those without insurance or financial resources as I made Rob's appointment. We might as well not have insurance in this case. Luckily, we are able to scrap and sacrifice to afford the consult. Many people might not be so lucky. They might be able to call this fantastic doctor, only to learn that the very best in the field in within their sight, but cannot help them with an issue like a cancer scare (or worse) because they cannot afford to pay for the visit.

I do not believe that is right.

I have been pondering exactly how I want to change the world in the name of little Anna, who so beautifully changed the world in her short 80 days on this Earth. I am coming to the conclusion that I need to find a way to be more actively involved in helping people get health care. I will continue to be involved in the advocacy side of this, but I want to find a way to more practically provide help as well.

Whirlwind

I can't believe I haven't blogged lately given all that's going on.

Sam started kindergarten. The last big transition of the season that I'd been anticipating went quite well. Sam was eager to get to school on his first day. He bounced out of bed, tore through his breakfast, gladly hauled his heavy backpack and raced down the street to ride together with his friend Adam. He was excited that he got to play on the big kid playground before going inside... And then he saw the fifth graders.

These children are clearly not bred from the same stock as my child. Some were as tall as me! Sam took no notice at first, but when it came time to line up and he saw that these giant creatures were going the same place he was, he buried his head in my side and grabbed my hand.

I'd been holding myself together really well until that point. Since he'd already been going to daycare, I wasn't figuring I'd be one of the weepy moms at the point of departure. But when he grabbed me and I asked what was wrong, he replied, "Mommy. I think I might be a little nervous." And he looked at me with really wide, worried eyes. There wasn't much time for reassurance before his teacher whisked the kids away to go inside.

That's when I welled up. When most everyone else had composed themselves, I had huge tears in my eyes, all worried that every bit of gumption my kid had been blessed with was failing him when he needed it most. Luckily, I caught a glimpse of him as he was about to go inside, and he was already three inches from another child's face, surely asking "Do you want to be my friend?" in his sweet, innocent and overly enthusiastic way (that has been known to slightly frighten less outgoing youngsters.)

He came home that day acting like a teenager, unwilling to tell us what went on and claiming that school was "boring." He's since recanted that, but does complain that "they make us WORK there." Asked what that means, he says "we have to talk to each other. And write. And read stuff." All of this is clearly standing in the way of good recess time.

Max, too, has adjusted beautifully to daycare. He's done better than I ever would have expected. Yesterday was his eighth drop-off and he didn't shed a single tear. Nary a whimper. Just a look over at me, and then a glance back at the goldfish sitting in front of him. It does make my day easier to know he likes it there.

The big news from yesterday is that Max had his early intervention evaluation and definitely qualifies for services. What I'd suspected turned out to be true. He has very low muscle tone, but thankfully, nothing neurological or cognitive that we need to deal with. He just needs some baby Pilates, apparently!

We do have to start him in physical therapy and practice quite a few new techniques at home to that build up his core strength. At 14 months old (12 gestationally) he was determined to have the gross motor skills of a seven month old, the fine motor skills of an eight month old and delayed adaptive skills. All of them stem from his low tone, so he should catch up quickly once the therapy starts. I'm actually really relieved to know that this will be easily overcome. We, of course, would love him no matter what forever and always, but I think any parent would be relieved to learn that any significant challenges will not come to fruition. At least not these challenges...

I have, unfortunately, known and heard of several people lately to lose their precious infant children. I think of these families daily, and have definitely learned a great deal about cherishing each and every day, no matter what that day might bring. I've even taken on a particular challenge to find a new way to change the world in memory of little Anna. I am determined to find a significant response to that challenge.

I suppose I should get this day underway. We all have school/work, then Max's final post-placement visit (finalization is within reach now. YAY!) and the first of the pre-marriage classes Rob and I teach at church tonight.

Holding my breath

It dawned on me this morning that I have been walking around almost literally holding my breath for days now... It's a wonder I don't have fabulous abdominal muscles to show for it. Wait. I probably do. They're just "hidden."

Seriously, though. I will admit that I have a tendency to worry (you can enter your votes for my understatement-of-the-year prize now, thank you.) But I can't believe how many "big" things I have going on in my pea brain right now.

First, I'm a wee bit nervous that yesterday was a weird honeymoon thing and that Max will have a bad day again today. I'm slightly more comforted than I was 24 hours ago, but when we took him in today (we decided to take him in and pick him up together all week) he looked at me as if to say "Wait. I was ok with this little diversion yesterday, but WHAT do you MEAN you're leaving me here again?!" Miss Judy did seem to have him calm before we ever left the building, though.

Second, Sam will have his own huge adjustment to make next week. I just hope his teachers see him for the sweet, smart little guy he is, even if his energy level takes some getting used to. I also hope he won't get too frustrated trying to learn all kinds of new things in a new place. Again, I can find some comfort in a comment from his pre-K teacher. She told us that of all the students she's had over the years, Sam will be one of those she remembers forever. She described him as one of the sweetest children she's ever had. That's SO nice to hear!

Third, work is um, stressful to say the very least. I love my job, but like anyone else, the news of layoffs all around you leaves you a little nervous. I'm staying positive, but it's a *constant* source of conversation whenever I talk to anyone from the office.

Finally, there's a great deal of emotion and stress with a few family issues right now that has me sad and yes, worried, for sure. It doesn't really feel like something to discuss "out loud" at length, but I can't help but think about it on a very regular basis.

All of this leaves me thinking a few things. First, I have to remember that so far we've been blessed that all problems do work themselves out. Second, I have to swallow the bitter mommy pill... the one that tells you that your kids really are fine on their own to some degree and that it's good for them to learn to do things without you holding their little hands. I'm speaking more of Sam here... and I am constantly reminding myself that he's a spunky little boy who can find happiness no matter what. Finally, I really do need to commit myself to what I *can* do to keep unnecessary and pointless worry to a minimum. I'm going to do my best to channel my energy into getting recommitted to eating right and exercising every day. It takes a lot of planning for me to follow the right plan in that regard, so that should leave little time for me to fret!

Phil 4:13...........I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Max's Day

If you'd paid me yesterday to believe that Max would have a fabulous first day at daycare, I would have laughed at you (even though I know how rude that is) and turned away.

Well... Score one for Max's ability to surprise his mommy. I called daycare around 9:45 this morning for an update and was dismayed to hear "Umma... MaMA... MAMA... MAMAMAMAMA" in the background. That's code for "I'm miserable and want the heck out of here right this very instant." Surprisingly, the teacher said he'd actually been pretty good, but that he cried on and off.

Honestly, I wasn't totally convinced, but since I *wanted* to believe he was adjusting, I chose to believe it. She said that he just happened to cry as I called. Sure, lady. Likely story.

I was waiting to jump in the car as Rob came home so we could pick Max up together today. I darted in the door, holding my breath. First alarming issue: I didn't see Max anywhere and the nice young lady working in the room seemed to not know who we were. She quickly figured it out and told us he was outside on the swings and "He had a GREAT day." Again... Sure, lady. A minute ago you didn't recognize me. You probably don't even realize which kid is mine. He'd be the one who blubbered and hiccuped his way through the day, desperate for his mommy to return.

So... I get out the back door and find someone cradling Max and headed back toward the building. "See?" I thought. "He's STILL crying and needs to be brought inside to calm down."

WRONG.

He'd fallen asleep on the swings and was being brought inside to be laid down for a little extra nap time. (Turns out it was to be laid down for any nap, since he never really slept...)

The nice lady carrying him inside was effusive about what a great day he had. And get this: once he woke up and saw us, he just smiled and smiled and gestured toward the teacher as if to say "Hey, Mom and Dad. Check out this lovely woman who's been taking care of me today. She's nice. I will be happy to come back here every day while you work. Please stop worrying about me."

I was seriously almost giddy. I'm sure I walked around the school with a giant cheesy smile on my face. I am still slightly in shock that he did so well. I mean, I know he's a genius and has been through other trauma, but I fully expected the adjustment to take more than two hours. Even his gregarious older brother required more time to get used to life at Laurel Tree Academy.

So... here's hoping tomorrow goes so well. Seeing the little munchkin so happy is quite possibly the best answer to prayer I've had in a while. I guess I can move on to worrying about Sam's adjustment to kindergarten now.