Baby News

Yesterday was one of those days... I have heard lots of adoptive parents say over the years that just when you think you can't take waiting any longer, something in the process gives.

I was probably even more anxious yesterday about our wait for travel than I was for a match back in December. I can provide some context by explaining that I obsess over the stats of where other families are in process on the Holt message board. It's really the only glimpse, however unscientific, you have as to how things are moving within various agencies.

We were quite surprised to learn Max's emigration permit had been approved in Korea in January. We'd just gotten his American immigration application sent over not a week before that, so we were just convinced the universe was totally working in our favor (not that we don't believe that now...) and that Max was going to be home in record time.

(I sound rather composed about all of this don't I? That's because I'm typing this two weeks after the fact, when my kitchen is done, I have running water and Sam's moved into a new room. By no means are we totally ready right now, but we are positively light years ahead of where we were on that particular day.)

We tried to be patient waiting for the I600 approval. I saw other families in New Jersey report getting theirs very quickly. I thought I'd get a letter last week and have been virtually pouncing on the poor mail guy the instant he darkens my doorstep. I had no luck for days on end, then got a letter with the appropriate postmark on it on Saturday morning. I squealed, opened it, and read a form letter indicating that USCIS had received our application and would process it.

"Please expect 10 weeks for approval from date of receipt."

Oh, and don't even bother calling before then.

I freaked. My stress level went way up and I had a hard time thinking of anything else for the next few days.

Yesterday, I woke up just feeling like it *had* to be approved and maybe we'd somehow missed the letter. Well, when the mail came and was nothing but junk, I decided I was going to call the office anyway, but that I'd wait till the 3 hour window opened every Wednesday afternoon for freakishly hyper parents like myself to try to get through to an officer.

I tried and tried when I wasn't on conference calls. I tried searching online. I tried to dig up the number for a specific agent in Newark that is legendarily awesome. Nothing.

I called Rob and begged him to get home before the window closed so I could take a conference call and so he could try calling, too. I heard him upstairs rooting through papers and he asked me one question (can't recall what it was) before I could hear him talking to someone.

He came down the stairs and I put my phone on mute, prepared to get whatever news he had. He said nothing and started out the door to go get Sam. I hissed at him to tell me what happened and he replies, "Everything's fine. We were approved today."

I don't know how he managed to be so deadpan. Really. The man could be a guard at the Tower of London, I'm now convinced.

So, that's all a long way of saying we're a huge step farther ahead and definitively closer to having our baby home where he belongs.

Sorry the story got so long. I guess it's not surprising... I use this blog mainly to capture my thoughts from time to time, though, so I don't usually write focused on who's reading. I save that for work. :-)

Other than just the facts of where we're at, I can also now officially say that this wait has been WAY harder than I thought it would be. I managed to stay occupied while the house was in disarray, but I must have been planning for the baby to arrive as soon as life started to get back to normal. Every day that we wait just seems FOREVER.

I confess to wrestling with all of the emotions that surfaced years ago when we were in process and adopting Sam. I see so many people be able to build families in blissful ignorance to how hard it can be for others. I can't blame them and truly envy that. I wouldn't change for one second what we've been through and what has come of it, but I still fight the bitterness and questions of the struggle that are part and parcel of adopting.

I heard a story recently of someone I know and respect who said of adoption (clearly not around me) that she couldn't understand why anyone who can't have children "of their own" would ever adopt. She claimed every single thing that I HATE about the lack of awareness some seem to have. She said you can't love an adopted child the same way and that people who can't give birth are completely crazy to adopt from other countries. I can't put into words how hurtful it was to hear this, even third or fourth hand. I don't know that I'll ever be able to look at her the same way again. Actually, I know I won't. There was more to the comments, but I can't even give them justice by repeating them.

I know that most of this pain will magically dissipate the instant I get to hold Baby Max in my arms and see him with his Daddy and big brother. I just struggle more on some days than others and wish with all my heart that it could just *happen* without the waiting and the anxiousness and the publicness that it must have. I know a lot of pregnant people right now and think rather wistfully of the "luxury" (in my mind) of not finding out what sex your baby might be or not sharing the news until you're in a safe period.

I don't want to sound like I begrudge anyone the happiness and joy pregnancy and children bring. I don't. I just suppose I need to deal with some toxic emotions before they bug me too much more.

That brings me, in a very roundabout way, to my Lenten sacrifice. Last year, I focused very intentionally on prayer and devotions, but with all I've been feeling lately, I felt like I really needed an exercise in faithful sacrifice to realign my priorities. I think it will be a good reminder for me to remember Who is with me through all of this and what the ultimate reward really is.

I thought long and hard about what daily pleasure and habit would make an impact and decided not to buy any scrapping supplies during Lent. I do have plenty with which to work to actually scrap, but the shopping part of this hobby is a HUGE part of it for me. Rather than spend the time poking around on website and blogs looking for new product and sales, I want to be reminded and be more focused on getting myself in the best possible frame of mind and to do additional devotions.

I had a tiny bit of guilt about this since I know so many designers struggle in an economy like this since scrapping isn't exactly a necessity, but I figure I can work harder on marketing for the designers I CT for during this time to somehow cosmically make up for the lack of global income that begins in my PayPal account.

At the rate I seem to post, here's hoping that my next one is about Max's TRAVEL CALL!

I'm behind

Falling behind. This seems to be the theme of my life right now. I seriously don't think I've ever felt so busy in my entire life.

I like to think I have good reason, but at the end of the day, I still just feel like I can't keep up with myself.

Most of the stuff keeping us busy is good...

The kitchen is almost done. After nearly seven weeks of cooking and eating in our living room and more restaurant food (and the associated calories) than I care to remember, we are thisclose to being able to cook a meal and sit down at an actual table to eat it. At one point last week, when things had slowed down a bit as we waited for some bits and pieces to come in so the contractors could keep working, we practically begged the poor man running the show to install our sink and faucet before the weekend. It sounds minor, but even once we could cook, not being able to rinse anything off pretty much ended our hopes of eating at home. As we said to him, we're not proud, demanding people. We just want to cook an egg. Is that so wrong?!

Drama aside, I am seriously happy with how the whole kitchen turned out. I'm not sure how people manage the details of building an entire house, though, as it felt like a second full-time job at times. We spent a fair amount of money to make these improvements, but we did wait 10 years to do it and it's made me fall in love with my house. I'm seriously convinced I will never leave. I now have a nice kitchen and a finished basement for all the monster truck clutter. If a certain family would get on the stick and move their stuff to a certain address, I could be persuaded to live the rest of my days in this very spot.

The even bigger news of the last month or so is that the paperwork for Baby Max (which has become his full name to practically every person I know) is moving along nicely. I did have a moment last week in which I was CONVINCED he was literally on his way home, but alas, it would appear that paperwork is done in a completely different order than it was in 2005 when Sam came home, and Max's arrival is still most likely a few weeks away. That doesn't stop me from harboring hope that his I600 approval somehow managed to slip by me and that he just needs a quick visa interview and plane ticket to be on his way to where he belongs.

If he were to arrive this week, however, he might have second thoughts and ask to go back from whence he came. Our house still looks like the construction zone it's been for weeks and you would have no idea that Rob and I have invested considerable time and conversation in the creation of rooms for both of our children by looking at the place. (For any editor friends reading, my apologies for <<<< that <<<< ridiculously long sentence.)

Thanks to our dear friends Ted and Kim, we have made serious progress in the baby gear department and have gotten one room upstairs emptied out so that we can start the process of actually making space for an 18 lb. child to sleep. When Ted arrived to help Rob move the queen-sized bed out of the guest room so that we could move my office in there, he regaled us with his own brand of logic and swiftly convinced us that all the monkeying around with the rooms upstairs was unnecessary. (We'd planned to move my office to the guest room; Sam to my office and Max into Sam's room.) Our plans were perfectly sensible until Ted stood in the upstairs landing and basically called us on our obvious lack of spatial relations skills, thereby demonstrating the complete ridiculousness of moving an extra room. So, my office stays put. We'll get a daybed for my dad to sleep in when he visits and Sam will move into a new "big boy" room while Max gets the nursery.

This move is not happening a minute too soon for Sam's taste. He informed me that there is a crack in the wall beneath his current bedroom window and that he just couldn't sleep there anymore. He led me by the hand to show me the offensive flaw, and pointed to a minuscule nail head pop. Hey, we all rationalize in our own ways.

Other tidbits from the last month:

* We will either boycott Ikea for life for their lack of supply of any single suite of furniture with which to decorate Sam's room... Or we will cave and realize that despite how ticked off we are right now, the Heimdal and Hemnes furniture designs are still the best deal around when it comes to kid furniture. Seriously. Rob despises having to go to Ikea, yet we've been there three times in seven days and have nothing but a random set of twin bed slats to show for it.

* Franklin is officially the most neurotic dog on the planet. We've always known he was easily spooked. I also quickly realized that I could not leave the house during construction lest he completely freak out at every random person and tool that darkened our doorstep. Five weeks into the process, the poor guy had had enough and had what I have now learned was a cluster seizure (five seizures in 15 min.) He was given a Xanax prescription to get him through the duration of the project and will be transitioned to another, milder anti-anxiety drug in order to prevent another episode when Baby Max arrives. Something tells me he will be the least excited of anyone in our house at a new child joining our family.

* Sam is still making great progress on the caffeine solution we started and got a glowing pre-K report from his teacher. He still has issues with episodes of silliness at school, but his handwriting is downright legible now and he is actually reading words to us without prompting. He's also turned out to be a stunningly talented Wii bowler and boxer. My hopes of him getting a college scholarship have shifted thusly. I'm sure that by the time he needs to enter university, someone will have recognized the talent he has and will bankroll his Ivy League education solely based on his ability to throw a Wii Turkey.

New Creative Team

Meredith Cardall, a scrapper turned designer that I have admired for a long time put out a call a couple of weeks ago for some new creative team members. I was thrilled that she asked me to join her team! They're such a nice, fun group...and we get to play with super cute scrap stuff. A perfect deal all around. You can check out her shop here.

I'm totally excited, too, today to watch all of the Inaugural festivities. I am camped out at the downstairs desk so I can watch everything while I catch up on email and some writing projects. I am sure I will blog later with my thoughts from the day. I already got chills once when I saw the first shots of the people gathered on The Mall in DC. This seems like a day that, no matter what your political bent is, we will be telling our children and grandchildren about for years to come.

One of my first thoughts today was that Sam doesn't really realize how important today is, but he knows we're excited. In some respects, I think it's great that he will grow up never knowing that the color of your skin can be a barrier to certain jobs. I didn't choose a name for him that easily follows the title "Senator" for no reason!

Nesting

I'm quickly figuring out that doing the preparation required to welcome a young child into your home is harder when you already have another young child in your house. Duh.

As it turns out, Sam isn't really that interested in crib bedding or any of the other stuff that's needed to get Max's room ready. Why that surprises me is beyond me. Understandably, the only part of this particular phase of preparation that captures Sam's attention is the one in which he gets a new big boy bed that doubles as a fort.

I wish there were a simpler way to make all this happen. When Sam came home, not only did we not have another kid to entertain, we also didn't have all that much stuff living in the room that was to be his. In this case, we have stuff to shift around in three different rooms. Considering one is currently my office, it's no small undertaking. I shudder to think of the hassle that will begin once I need to get MCI and Verizon both out to rewire my new office all while the final phase of the kitchen remodel is taking place.

***

On a more serious note, I'm just plain sad today. A friend of our dear friends Kim and Ted has been fighting cancer for over a year. He has had numerous complications, but I have prayed for so long that a miracle would come their way. Sadly, J passed away last night. If you could, please pray that his family can find some comfort and healing right now. He has two young children and a wife, in addition to numerous friends and USAF collegues, who will miss him terribly.

Dining ala NOLA

See that lovely photo? That's pretty much what I saw when I entered a famed New Orleans eating establishment last night for dinner. I'm pretty sure I'm scarred for life.

I was in New Orleans for work this week. Since my friend and coworker Jeff hails from the city, he was nice enough to make sure I got the full experience while there. No touristy restaurants for us. Nope, we planned to eat REAL NOLA food this week.

First stop? Some place right outside of downtown that was supposed to be famous for barbecued shrimp. Sounded yummy to me. I love shrimp and, being from Kansas City, I was sure I knew what the word barbecued meant.

Not so much. As it turns out, New Orleanians somehow think sticking shrimp in a pan, covering it with STICKS of butter and tons of garlic and then roasting it in the oven somehow qualifies as barbecue. Far be it for me to judge, though, so I adjusted my expectations and waited for the dish to be served. I was a bit surprised that our waiter tied a paper bib around my neck before the shrimp arrived. I eat shrimp pretty regularly and have never felt the need for that level of wardrobe protection.

I quickly figured out the reason for the bib when two bowls of fully intact shrimp came to the table. Now, I've seen shrimp with the legs and shells still on. I know all about peel-and-eat shrimp and always manage to avoid eating it. The closest I come to needing to remove my meal from it's original habitat is cracking an egg for breakfast.

Imagine my surprise, then, when the bowl contained shrimp with not just legs and shells, but also heads and eyeballs. And whiskers that were so long they draped over the side of the bowl. I stared at my dish and quickly decided I had enough extra meat on my body to make it till morning without eating.

Jeff, gentleman that he is, rolled up his sleeves and took care of the peeling for both of us. It was nice. He would do all the yucky stuff (laughing at my prissiness the whole time) and deposit completely peeled shrimp on my plate. I noticed a dark line down the back of my shrimp and was afraid that it might be shrimp poo, so I took care of removing that. Jeff found it hysterical that I would assume shrimp came with poop on their backs, but it turns out I was RIGHT. Ew. Word to the wise: deveining shrimp is a fancy way of saying you're taking off the shrimp's intestines that still are filled with fishy fecal matter.

So... after this little experience, I was all too happy to eat hotel food for the next 36 hours or so. Well, last night, my boss was with Jeff and I and decides that we should go out in search of good jambalaya. Jeff proceeds to pile us into his car and take us deep into the French Quarter to a local spot that was supposed to have the best jambalaya in the city.

We checked out the menu, then stepped inside to eat. I was the first one through the door and exclaimed, "Look at the cute little dog" as we walked in. It was rather dim in the restaurant, and I thought that I was looking at a small terrier dog. I realized a second later that it was actually a kitten that lived there.

Weird, I thought. I also wondered aloud (as did Marty and Jeff) how a restaurant manages to pass health inspection when a feline takes up residence in the front window. Well... that should have been the least of my concerns.

I thought this cat was a dog because it appeared to have whiskers that were all fluffy on it's face. Jeff looked more closely and realized the whiskers were actually the front and back end of a mouse sticking out of the cat's mouth.

Ew.

I am pretty sure I became nothing but a blur as I exited the restaurant as fast as my legs could carry me. Now, the whole place was about as big as my living room. It did not go unnoticed that I was not happy to have encountered a rodent on my way into dinner. Jeff grabbed me and drug me back in, saying "it's fine.. .they ran off." Well, by the time I got back inside (and I'm still not sure why I agreed to go back in in the first place) the cat and mouse were back, and the cat dropped the mouse at my feet. I completely freaked and went outside again.

As chivalrous as Jeff's shrimp cleaning gesture was, he and Marty decided this mouse was no big deal, and stayed inside. Seeing as I don't know this city well, I pretty much had to suck it up and go back inside. I sat there like a grumpy little girl, refusing to open my menu and keeping my feet propped up under the table lest the little critters decide to play near me again. I did end up eating the best shrimp creole I've ever had, but I am sure I will never forget that experience.

I'm pretty sure Jeff and Marty realize in retrospect that I will also never let them forget that they made me stay.

And, to mark the occasion, I'll also note here that today is four weeks since we were matched with Max. One month down, two or more to go. I had a feeling the first month would pass quickly and it actually has. I think it will only get harder from here.

Max's new crib bedding arrived today and it's cuter than the picture on the Pottery Barn Kids website would have you know. I am even more pleased now than I was last week when I found an amazingly cheap deal on Ebay to buy it!

The Word

Your Word is "Peace"

You see life as precious, and you wish everyone was safe, happy, and taken care of. Social justice, human rights, and peace for all nations are all important to you. While you can't stop war, you try to be as calm and compassionate as possible in your everyday life. You promote harmony and cooperation. You're always willing to meet someone a little more than halfway.

What's Your Word?

According to the online version of a Magic-8 ball (aka blogthings) I have apparently chosen the wrong word for 2009. Not that I don't enjoy peace any way I can get it, but I think I'm going to stick with "focus" this year. Not to get too deep into a silly internet quiz, but I think trying to stay focused is what will bring me peace.

The kitchen saga continues. I'm viewing every inevitable delay and drama as the silver lining to the maddening wait to bring Max home. It's hard to know he's living with someone else and nothing but red tape stands between us. Well, red tape and a huge ocean and maybe a continent or two. I digress...

The kitchen. It's still a big, ugly hole. The very first "uh oh" moment came when we discovered the wall that was meant to be removed, thereby giving us enough space to entertain more than one guest at a time, was home to the HVAC ducts that go to our room and the nursery. Lots and lots of discussion and math (and you can imagine how well I did with that one) and we ended up routing one duct through the floor and are leaving one where it is. As it turns out, there was an error on the CAD drawing of the kitchen, and we never could have taken the wall back as far as we thought we could. At least not without having a giant black refrigerator sticking out, making it the first thing you'd see when you entered our house. Not exactly the aesthetic we were going for.

So... imagine this. Now we wait some more. What a novel concept for the Becker family.

There is still work being done, but the cabinets that were ordered in early October and should have arrived by Thanksgiving are now not coming until January 23rd. Nice, huh? Luckily, the nice guys working in our house are continuing to do everything that can be done and have simply decided to finish everything else, and hang the cabinets as the final touches. I guess the real finishing touch will be the backsplash, which clearly can't be done until the cabinets are in.

On a more somber, personal note, I've spent a great deal of time lately reflecting on how fragile life is. While we are feeling over the moon at the impending arrival of our son, I feel like I am almost constantly hearing of bad news from people I know. It's sobering to feel almost giddy with excitement one minute, only to recall the numerous others that we know (not to mention so many we obviously don't) who need miracles right now.

Life in a Construction Zone

The day finally arrived when Rob and I had to completely dismantle our kitchen and prepare to live like scavengers for a few weeks while our shiny new kitchen is built. It was not a fun way to end our vacation... We've spent hours going through everything we've ever put in our kitchen this weekend and figuring out how to safely stow it and/or move it to be used while the dust flies. Suffice it to say that I'm already not loving the microwave being a fixture in my living room.

A few lessons I've learned thus far:

1. It is possible to be too organized. I learned this when I came downstairs to make coffee yesterday morning at 6:30 a.m. We have a "brew station," which means no carafe with which to pour water into the tank of the coffee pot. Normally we use the sprayer from the sink. Clearly that's not an option in the living room, next to the fish bowl. No problem. I'll just use a pitcher. EXCEPT every pitcher or other fluid-holding device I own is neatly boxed up and stored in the dining room now. And of course, the boxes are practically hermetically sealed, lest my husband face one extra speck of dust whilst the house is renovated.

2. Starbucks thermal travel mugs are taller than your average coffee cup. The brew station is very convenient. No carafe to break (when you're not ticked off that you also don't have it for pouring.) No burnt coffee. You can just position your coffee mug right under the spout and within seconds have a freshly brewed cup-of-awakeness. EXCEPT when the two handy travel mugs you've kept out to use as your sole coffee drinking devices for approximately six weeks are about two inches too tall to fit under the spout. Again, no problem. I'll just use another mug or measuring cup to dispense my coffee. Wait. That's right. Those are packed away, too. (This is WAY annoying on a Sunday morning when you're up early with a child and can also smell the caffeinated goodness, but can't have any till you find a container for it.)

3. You can't dry your hair and brew coffee when the coffee pot is plugged into the dangerous outlet in the living room. (Do you notice that all of my crises thus far deal with coffee? Hmm. Perhaps I should reassess my New Year's resolution. Yeah, no.) I blew a circuit twice this morning while drying my hair. I dry my hair here every day. That doesn't normally happen. It's only happened when my sister is here and spends longer than usual drying her very long hair. My short hair is usually done in under three minutes. Not too much stress on the circuits. Apparently, though, it is stressful for those circuits to brew a measly six cups of coffee while I'm drying my hair. Note to self: get up even earlier now so that hair can be dried before Rob needs coffee. Or go buy Rob extra Dunkin' Donuts cards and send him on his way about six minutes earlier each morning.

4. The inconveniences of a major renovation are more interesting to a scrapbooker than to a fantasy football nut. See, my major hobby allows me to find the fun in all of this (when I'm properly caffeinated, that is) and snap dozens of photos of all of the mayhem that has become our home life. I can think of fun scrapbook pages to design (and kits to buy!) all based on the noise and dust that come with a new kitchen. If your hobby is fantasy football, you're hard pressed to find such a correlation and simply find all of this ridiculously stressful. See, Rob? Scrapbooking is good for my health.

And finally...

5. Soup is a great meal to keep on hand when you have nothing but a microwave and TV trays to support your dinner-eating habit. The trick is remembering that you will most likely need a bowl. And a spoon. Preferably NOT packed into the boxes in the dining room. And it's best if you figure this fact out before you've heated your dinner.

This is the year...

Of course I've already realized that 2009 promises to be a big year for our family, but it dawned on me today how significant some of the changes are bound to be in ways that I hadn't thought about yet...

I think that I've been so focused on getting matched that I haven't pondered some of the details until the news really began to sink in. I've also been mentally geared toward a forever family that included a girl. For the record... that really does not mean either Rob or I had a preference about the gender of our child. It just appeared after years of watching the Holt referrals that #2 was a girl at least 75%. While I must admit that I'd come to like the notion of shopping for girly clothes, my daydreaming pretty much ended there. Ten years or so ago, I would never have dreamed how our family has turned out... I've learned so many lessons about what you CAN'T plan on or control, and I am absolutely convinced that God has blessed me with exactly the family I was meant to have.

All of that is to say that I've started to ponder the finer points of the new journey that's ahead now that we know Max is our son. Some of those details are big -- like how life will be for Sam with a little brother to influence and enjoy. Some of the details are small -- like our wonder about whether or not Sam's clothes will fit his little brother.

The biggest detail that is really starting to settle in is that our family will be complete in 2009. I always knew we would have two kids. I was even more sure of that fact as it became clear that we weren't getting any younger as the process evolved along the way. But, now that I really think about it, there's something profound in just knowing that your family is complete. When I look back, at least fifteen years of my life (if not more) have been somehow affected by the creation of our family. Rob and I knew we'd get married and had the usual conversations about all of the "what ifs" from an early point in our relationship. Then we got married and the conversation turned to when we'd start having kids (we were always a year away in our minds!) Most of the rest of the story is history by now. The first pregnancy was a surprise in more ways than I like to recall... From there, we learned many difficult lessons, but we also found the true strength in our relationship with one another and the faith that maybe God had another plan for us.

That's my deep thought to begin 2009! It sounds simple to say that Max completes us, but I'm happily discovering what it really means to say that. The best part of it is feeling like we're finally switching gears from spending so much of our lives waiting to spending our time fully focused on each other.

That brings me to a random point that fellow die-hard scrappers/crafters will understand. I wasn't originally all that interested in the whole "word of the year" conversation, but the more I read about the concept, the more I decided having a word to guide my year might be more significant than planning yet another New Year's resolution. Not that you're waiting with breath held, but the word I decided fits for this year is FOCUS.

I want to focus on simplifying my life so that I can focus on what really matters. I want to focus on the priorities that make my life meaningful, and stop worrying about finding time to do things that aren't enhancing my life or someone else's. Luckily, I still think scrapping fits squarely into this category. More importantly, I hope it will belp guide my decisions when I find myself running in too many directions when all I really want is to be home with my boys, and giving Sam (and soon Max) as much attention as I can while they're still little enough to want to soak it up.

That said, Sam's just emerged from his own person Geotown (aka the new basement playroom) and requested some "cuddle time." I can't say no to that.

Max's first page

I was literally beginning to obsess over what kit to use for Max's first scrap page. I didn't have this problem with Sam because he was here long before I began to scrap, so there wasn't quite so much (clearly self-induced) pressure. In the end, I went with Melissa's suggestion of Kasia's Love is Blue kit. It's not necessarily a baby kit, but is perfect for a baby boy page.

The reality that we actually have another child on the way is starting to sink in. I bought Max a stocking this weekend as well as his first few Christmas presents. I'm trying to find the balance of wanting to document that we love him and were thinking of him at Christmas even though we can't be together and not making an already intangible situation even harder for Sam to grasp.

Sam is intellectually aware of who Max is, but he seems to be struggling a bit with the whole he's-actually-going-to-live-with-us detail. If we bring it up, he says that "I don't want to talk about that right now." He also still thinks poor Max is just hanging out on a passenger jet somewhere, waiting to come home. In the end, I think that he's just basically struggling to figure out how this all works. If you think about it, it's kind of hard to expect a four-year-old to understand that his brother is a picture on the computer right now and that while everyone is over the moon with excitement, we won't actually get to meet this little person for several more months.

The cool part of Sam being old enough to talk about what's going on is that we can explain to him that everyone felt this way when we found out about him, too. We talk to him about all the calls we made when we were matched with him and how we counted the days until he came home. Even a Sunday School teacher today recalled that Mommy used to walk around carrying a picture of him that ended up in tatters from all the showing off I did. He just smiled when he heard that story.

A few people have asked how I'm going to manage the months between now and when Max can come home. Yes, it's incredibly frustrating and sad to know that our son is with another family, on another continent right now and that only red tape and mountains of paper stand between us. Rather than wallow in what I can't change, though, I'm focusing on really enjoying the time that we still have as a little family of three. I want to savor the last days of being able to give all of my attention to Sam.

Big Oops

I'm realizing this morning my first major mistake in my parenting of little Max. Lots of people have heard me wax poetic about the meanings of the names I give my children. One of my chief criteria for names has been at least part of the name needs to connote the gratitude I feel to God for giving us the opportunity to have such a beautiful family.

Lovely, right?

Well... I've been operating under a very mistaken assumption about Max's name for quite some time. I don't know where I got my faulty info., but I always thought Owen meant "gift of God." That seemed perfect and was the deciding factor for his middle name.

As it turns out, Owen actually means "well-born." He's already Maxwell Owen to me, so his name won't change, but I've been pondering all morning the "new" meaning of this name.

Two thoughts come to mind. We always want our kids to have a special place in their hearts for their birth mothers. It was out of unspeakable love that those women made the choices they did, so it's very appropriate to call Max "well-born." We also want our kids to grow up knowing they are children of God first and foremost, so, again that name still works.

I feel better getting the mistake off my chest. I feel a scrap page about my idiocy and subsequent epiphany coming on, though!

Worth the Wait!

Apparently all the adoption wives' tales about your call coming the minute you think you can't take any more waiting are actually true!

After 66 weeks, we received the referral of Maxwell Owen Tae Min yesterday at 3:47 p.m. Oddly, when the phone finally rang, I didn't jump immediately thinking that this was THE call.

I was at a meeting in Atlanta most of the week, and got special dispensation to keep my phone out and on during the sessions. Someone remarked that it was amusing that every time I talked -- which I tend to do with my hands -- I did it clutching my BlackBerry. In some ways, I didn't want the call to come while I was away from Rob and Sam. In others, I just wanted the call at any time!

Well, when I woke up yesterday morning, I thought to myself (somewhat cynically, I suppose) that I'd probably miss the call while I was in the air flying home. Of course, I checked my voicemail as soon as I landed, and moped off the plane, prepared to wait even until after Christmas for the call.

I was supposed to be taking Sam to a "Santa Jump" at Pump It Up last night, but have a really nasty sinus infection and could barely breathe yesterday. I ended up apologizing profusely, but telling him that we'd go to Toys R Us and pick out a new truck documentary and have a quiet movie night at home last night. It was en route to Toys R Us when my phone rang. I was just about the turn into the parking lot when I heard the phone. I tapped the little button on my Bluetooth, only to realize I'd lost the connection. I contemplated just calling whoever it was once I was parked, but still ended up grabbing the phone thinking it might be Kim. Isn't it amazing how many thoughts can go through my little brain in such a short span of time?!

When I picked up the phone, I also didn't look at the Caller ID... again, weird for me. When I heard the agency director identify herself, I immediately knew that I needed to pull over. I nearly wrecked the van when she agreed that it would be best if I was parked before she told me what she was calling about.

And so it went... We didn't have the experience of an out-of-the-blue call with Sam, and the surprise and joy were everything I imagined they'd be. I managed to keep from crying on the phone, but that could have been because I was taking down notes and actually processing the fact that we were matched with a son. I was really, truly expecting a girl match, though I'd always known we couldn't bet on what the outcome would be.

Korea no longer allows the vast majority of families to request gender, but we impressed upon our social worker at the time that we were not disappointed with that change and that we genuinely didn't have a preference. I had convinced myself in watching the other referrals that it would be a girl, but I really knew I'd be happy with either. I felt like we'd get matched with the child God intended us to have, and that's just what happened.

Sam was in the backseat during the call, of course, and was mildly excited for a few seconds before he realized where we were. Then he only cared about getting into Toys R Us. I felt like it was my first lesson in being a mommy of two. I wanted nothing more than to go home and see the pictures of our son, but Sam would have freaked, so we did our shopping before meeting Rob at home to see the photos.

We'd considered a short list of names for a while, but ended up going with one that, while on the list, probably wasn't the leader for most of the time. When we saw our little guy's face, he just didn't look like some of the other names, but he did look like Max to us. He sort of looks like a sweet, serious, little old man to me and that name just worked. I also like that it goes so well with Sam.

His birth mother did give him his Korean name, so we are absolutely keeping it as part of his name. I searched yesterday evening for a name that meant the same thing as the name she chose, but couldn't find a good American name that means "pretty" or "pretty rock." It's a stretch, but I did read one translation of Maxwell to mean "capable," and since his birthmom wanted him to be "a strong, healthy, happy baby," (a quote that was in his file) we felt like Max still honored that. Owen loosely translates to "gift of God," too, which was important to us.

Sam has adjusted to the news about like I thought he would. He likes to talk about the baby to some degree, and even mentioned that he had a baby in Toys R Us right after the call, but also has moments of not wanting to talk about it and seeming worried.

I've reassured him, after being questioned, that we would certainly love him every bit as much now as we did before Max. I told him that mommies and daddies have special hearts that allow them to grow as much as they need to in order to hold all the love they have for all of their babies.

After hearing that, he was a bit happier about wearing his big brother shirt and was quite chatty with the dentist and his teachers at school about "his baby." He does, however, still seem to think Max is already on a plane. We'll work on that one, or else the next few months will REALLY be long ones.

Keeping my mind occupied

It's too early for the phone to ring, so I'll play this (from Rachel Young's blog.)

GAME RULES:

1. Put your music player on shuffle (ALL MUSIC).
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy doing the game as well as the person you got the game from.


IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OK" YOU SAY:
God Speed (Sweet Dreams) -- The Dixie Chicks

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Barricades and Brickwalls -- Kasey Chambers

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
The Good Stuff -- Kenny Chesney

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
I Am A Man of Constant Sorrow -- Soggy Bottom Boys (now this is sad)

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Something's Gotta Change -- David Phelps

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Bad Day -- Daniel Powter

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Life is a Church -- David Phelps

WHAT IS 2 + 2?
Hollaback Girl -- Gwen Stefani (this made me laugh out loud...for more than one reason!)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Feel Like I Do -- Eric Lindell

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
You're My Better Half -- Keith Urban (how apropos!)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Flyswatter/Ice Water Blues -- Lyle Lovett (huh?)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
I Can Drink the Water (Live) -- Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Home -- Daughtry

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
New Shoes -- Paolo Nutini

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
The Remedy (I Won't Worry) - Jason Mraz

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
I've Got to Be Clean -- Guster (For the Kids) (all of my work friends are cracking up right now... I'm a hotel germophobe!)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Whiskey River -- Sheryl Crow

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
My Sanctuary -- Marc Cohn (great song...weird answer)

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
On My Feet Again -- Jonny Lang

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Sexuality -- k.d. lang (uh oh)

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Thin Line -- Indigo Girls

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
It Hurts Me, Too -- Eric Clapton (this one was bound to work since half my iPod is blues)

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Noisy Head -- Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Secret Agent -- the Backyardigans (maybe I have an admirer??)

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
I've Fallen in Love With You -- Joss Stone (this one makes me sad, too... Not true!)

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Where the Devil Don't Stay -- Drive By Truckers

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
I'm Letting Go -- Francesca Battistelli


Now you try!

No Call Today

Another referral came through today (a little boy born in June) for a homestudy in mid-December. I figure we MUST be in the pile of people they are looking at for the new referrals coming through. It really has got to be any day now.

I've clearly crossed some sort of threshold in terms of my ability to remain calm and patient. I am convinced at this point that I won't be getting a call tomorrow, but rather next week when I'm on an airplane or in a meeting. Everyone in Atlanta knows that I will be keeping my cell phone right next to me and will bolt out for a call that is from a few key area codes. I would REALLY rather be home with Rob and Sam when the call comes, but I'd also rather it be sooner rather than later.... so, that's a long way of saying, I just want the call. I'm no longer picky about the particulars.

It would be kind of interesting to get the news while at the home office. I was a bit of a nudge getting policy changed for our entire organization that ensures adoptive parents can take family medical leave (and use their medical leave pay when doing so.) ACS came through with a really fair, balanced and generous policy. I am told, maybe jokingly, that the HR dept. calls it the "Karen Becker policy" behind closed doors. I just might drag my boss over to that department to say thanks in person if the call comes while I'm there.

I also do think Rob and I have decided on our top two names (one for boy, one for girl.) I'll leave that little bit of suspense hanging in the air until we get the news. Both names carry a variation of the meaning "God is gracious" which is perfect. The boy's name is not quite as decided as the girl's, but I have a feeling that in the end we will make the final call based on meaning. We have had a long road to children in the first place, and the addition of this child will mean our family is complete. No matter how we look at it, we are in agreement that all of the wait and heartache along the way have been because we are being matched with the child God meant for us.

Tagged

I don't think I've ever been tagged on someone else's blog before, but Melissa knows I read her daily Camden and Rory escapades, so she must have known I'd be happy to oblige. :-) And besides, I realize not everyone else is walking around with their phone literally attached to them, waiting for a special call... which I imagine means more news from me about how quiet that phone has been could begin to get boring.

Six Things That Make Me Happy

1. Listening to Sam break into song now that he's memorized a slew of holiday songs for his preschool concert. My favorite is listening to him sing "Hooray for Hanukkah!"

2. The fact that my basement will be completely renovated in time for Christmas morning. Sam will not only have the Geotrax he has his heart set on, but a whole new room of the house in with to play with them!

3. Working downstairs with my laptop so I can simultaneously enjoy CNN and my beautiful Christmas tree.

4. Knowing that I'm married to the kindest, smart and most dedicated guy I know.

5. The number of new photos that I have, waiting to be scrapped, and the notion that I finally have some time off from work to spend scrapping them.

6. Mint truffle Hershey Kisses. Seriously. Try them. And then forget it was me who told you about them when you are looking for someone to blame.

I'm also going to take the liberty of adding here that I'm also grateful that Baby Will and Bob P. are both getting stronger every day.

I'll tag Kim, Shelley, Nancy, Kelli and Kate. If you don't blog, you can use Facebook. Who doesn't love reading about happiness at this time of year?! :-)

List Watch

I just checked the Holt board again to see that FOUR girl matches have been made in the last 24 hours. Two of them were January homestudies; one was a MARCH homestudy; one didn't note a date.

I think I might actually be about to go off the deep end. I really think I am going to lose if we aren't matched soon! I feel like I can't think about anything else!! I know that sounds melodramatic, but I know my fellow adoptive moms/dads know what I mean. The long months of uncertainty are mentally exhausting to me and I'm getting so sad at the thought that, while my baby is born, I don't know who he/she is and might not even have that information by Christmas. It's sad enough that we won't be together over the holidays, but not even having information and a confirmed match is really depressing to me.

Oddly enough, the glimmer of hope in all of this is that I've often heard adoptive families say that as soon as they feel like they can't wait any longer... the call comes.

I sure hope that's true. I'm ready.

Movement!

I just checked the Holt board and saw that someone from our agency received their referral yesterday (for a baby girl) whose homestudy was sent to Korea on the same date as ours!!! There appear to be a few people with older homestudies that still aren't matched (for those not familiar with the process, it's not completely chronological) but my stomach did a huge flip when I saw 1/25/08 next to the name on the list! That REALLY means we could we any time now.

We're having dinner with Kim and Ted tonight to celebrate Kim's birthday. I just know that getting a call today would be a PERFECT thing to talk about over dinner. (And don't worry, Kim... If I get a call, I won't leave you hanging until you get here!)

Fun Scrap News

I've always thought it would be fun to need to scrap an "out for publication" page. I finally got to do it this week! I'm pretty sure Lauren helped things along for me, but I got a sweet note from Digital Artist Magazine that they want to publish a layout of mine called "Adored" in their January issue. That particular month's magazine will focus on love layouts, and the page of mine that they liked is one of my all-time favorites. It's a great, sweet photo of Sam, and it just has a simple bit of journaling about how much his Daddy and I love him.

In other news, my adored child apparently has some sort of radar for when Mommy has a day off from work. I've been *trying* to get things like Christmas shopping, cleaning and preparation for the construction starting next week and generally time to NOT think about work fit into my schedule for a while now. I had three days off before Thanksgiving. Sam had pink eye for two of them.

No biggie. I'll just take the next two Fridays off (I have lots of vacation time to squeeze in before the end of the year) and see what I can get done. Well... The precious little man arrived home from school today feeling kind of warm and sporting a voice that sounded like he'd smoked a pack of cigarettes on the ride home. I can hear him on the monitor now, hacking in his sleep. I feel awful for him, but I must admit I also feel a wee bit bad for myself. I was READY for a day off. We also had planned to go out for dinner with Kim tomorrow night while the boys played at "Saving Grace" night at church.

As it looks now, I'll be quarantined at home yet again. The silver lining, however, is that if tonight is any indication, Sam's not going to be that active tomorrow. He'll want to snuggle on the couch for most of the day... That's certainly not a bad way to spend a day (so long as I don't end up with bronchitis next week!)

A Major Milestone

See the snazzy haircut on that kid? Rob and I did that ourselves!

Many people know that nothing -- no monster, no ghost, nothing -- instills fear in our child quite like the idea of a haircut.

We've tried every trick we can think of and have even used outright bribery. The best we get is a decent haircut but severely damaged eardrums. Sam screams bloody murder every single time we come even close to Kids Kuts. There's a nice woman there who has come to endure his screams because she knows she's nicely rewarded in the end. You have to tip well when you child occasionally pukes on the person wielding the clippers, after all.

Well, Rob got new clippers for his birthday. We invested in fancy ones now that I'm his main stylist. Sam saw that they're not quite as loud as our old pair, and he decided to brave a home cut. I'm not going to lie. There was whining involved, but no tears and certainly no vomit.

All things considered, I think we did a decent job. Rob is more precise than I am (perhaps because I was the one in front of Sam and would have been the one wearing what was left in his stomach had he freaked out) and went kind of slow, but we got the job done.

I'm partial to little boys with nice, neat haircuts so I hope this is the start of a whole new hair world in our house. It would be so nice to just give a quick trim to both Sam and Rob every ten days or so and know the days of screaming, drooling, trembling and puking salon visits are officially behind us.

Answered Prayers

We have had a picture of this (now) young lady hanging on our refrigerator for nearly three years now. Her name is Rogette and she had been living in Holt's Fontana Village in Haiti awaiting adoption for quite a few years already when we encountered her story for the first time.

I was immediately drawn to her face. We knew that we were not the right permanent family for her. She had been placed by her own family at a fairly advanced age because they did not have the resources to care for her. I knew that a girl nearing her teen years and having been in an orphanage (no matter how well cared for there) for some time needed a mother, in particular, who could be around much more than I can. I first saw her picture and story not long after I started my current position and realized that a travel schedule like mine would not be a good fit for her. It was also not long after Sam's adoption, and we had not completely finished his transition yet.

So, we began to sponsor her through Holt. On several occasions, we were able to send small gifts and notes to her. I prayed for her daily and have kept her picture in our kitchen all this time. I had heard not long ago via a letter from Holt that a family was interested in adopting her, but it wasn't until an email this week that I had confirmation that she has indeed come home to her forever family in the United States. The latest blog entry says she's doing well and has really settled in there. I get teary just thinking about it. I hope she knows that there must be many families like ours who have prayed for her and are overjoyed to see that she now has a home to call her own.

Early Christmas

Christmas came a bit early to our house this year. After vacillating for years, we finally got Rob a new laptop for work. He's been using the Social Studies office computer for about seven years now, and nearly every other teacher in his department has caved and purchased a laptop on their own.

We went ahead and got the computer early for him because he has a huge project coming up for Pearl Harbor Day for which he could really use the laptop. He also has a new SmartBoard in his classroom, so he's made a huge leap into the 21st century.

I not-so-secretly despise it when there's not an element of surprise on Christmas morning. I love shopping in secret, hiding the gifts at home and then watching Rob open them up. I feel like there's not much surprise left in life and gift giving is one place in which you can still manage just a bit of it. Oh, well. He's totally happy, and that's all that matters. I'll try to be creative and find a few small things for him to unwrap that don't damage the budget too badly. That concept is pretty much toast anyway, as we'd originally said we'd try to stick to $100 each for gifts. I'm pretty sure the adapter alone for his new Macbook cost that.

Sam had a totally busy day yesterday and is paying for it today. He had a play date in the morning, followed by two birthday parties. He left the house at 10 a.m. and we didn't get home until after 6:30 last night. Today, the hint of a cold he started with is a full-fledged infection. He sounds like he has socks stuffed in his nostrils and every cough makes *me* wince. I kept him home from Sunday School so that he doesn't infect every other kid before Thanksgiving. I'm hoping that a true day of rest will make him feel better, too.

I'm also hoping he's feeling well enough to go to school tomorrow, since I'm on vacation and planning to spend the days before the holiday in the basement, transforming it into a playroom for him. He's only seen the basement in our house a handful of times, so he does not suspect anything as we work down there. He's absolutely dying for a Geotrax train set for Christmas. We're trying to get the basement playroom ready so that after he opens some new Geotrax on Christmas morning, we can take him downstairs and show him the whole new room he has to play in. We also bought a huge starter set of the trains on Ebay (sorry, Kim!) and are going to have those already set up for him when he goes down there.

I apologize again to Kim for even mentioning our delight over finding this great Geotrax deal out loud. As it turns out, the furious bidding war we had in the final moments of this particular auction were against HER. Of all the people anywhere in the world who could have been bidding on that particular set on that particular day, it was Kim and I fighting it out till the finish. The silver lining is that Ethan, too, will benefit. He's one of Sam's favorite playmates and will have lots of time to play downstairs with the new trains. He'd have even more time if Kim and Ted bid on a house in our neighborhood. ;-)