Max's first page

I was literally beginning to obsess over what kit to use for Max's first scrap page. I didn't have this problem with Sam because he was here long before I began to scrap, so there wasn't quite so much (clearly self-induced) pressure. In the end, I went with Melissa's suggestion of Kasia's Love is Blue kit. It's not necessarily a baby kit, but is perfect for a baby boy page.

The reality that we actually have another child on the way is starting to sink in. I bought Max a stocking this weekend as well as his first few Christmas presents. I'm trying to find the balance of wanting to document that we love him and were thinking of him at Christmas even though we can't be together and not making an already intangible situation even harder for Sam to grasp.

Sam is intellectually aware of who Max is, but he seems to be struggling a bit with the whole he's-actually-going-to-live-with-us detail. If we bring it up, he says that "I don't want to talk about that right now." He also still thinks poor Max is just hanging out on a passenger jet somewhere, waiting to come home. In the end, I think that he's just basically struggling to figure out how this all works. If you think about it, it's kind of hard to expect a four-year-old to understand that his brother is a picture on the computer right now and that while everyone is over the moon with excitement, we won't actually get to meet this little person for several more months.

The cool part of Sam being old enough to talk about what's going on is that we can explain to him that everyone felt this way when we found out about him, too. We talk to him about all the calls we made when we were matched with him and how we counted the days until he came home. Even a Sunday School teacher today recalled that Mommy used to walk around carrying a picture of him that ended up in tatters from all the showing off I did. He just smiled when he heard that story.

A few people have asked how I'm going to manage the months between now and when Max can come home. Yes, it's incredibly frustrating and sad to know that our son is with another family, on another continent right now and that only red tape and mountains of paper stand between us. Rather than wallow in what I can't change, though, I'm focusing on really enjoying the time that we still have as a little family of three. I want to savor the last days of being able to give all of my attention to Sam.

Big Oops

I'm realizing this morning my first major mistake in my parenting of little Max. Lots of people have heard me wax poetic about the meanings of the names I give my children. One of my chief criteria for names has been at least part of the name needs to connote the gratitude I feel to God for giving us the opportunity to have such a beautiful family.

Lovely, right?

Well... I've been operating under a very mistaken assumption about Max's name for quite some time. I don't know where I got my faulty info., but I always thought Owen meant "gift of God." That seemed perfect and was the deciding factor for his middle name.

As it turns out, Owen actually means "well-born." He's already Maxwell Owen to me, so his name won't change, but I've been pondering all morning the "new" meaning of this name.

Two thoughts come to mind. We always want our kids to have a special place in their hearts for their birth mothers. It was out of unspeakable love that those women made the choices they did, so it's very appropriate to call Max "well-born." We also want our kids to grow up knowing they are children of God first and foremost, so, again that name still works.

I feel better getting the mistake off my chest. I feel a scrap page about my idiocy and subsequent epiphany coming on, though!

Worth the Wait!

Apparently all the adoption wives' tales about your call coming the minute you think you can't take any more waiting are actually true!

After 66 weeks, we received the referral of Maxwell Owen Tae Min yesterday at 3:47 p.m. Oddly, when the phone finally rang, I didn't jump immediately thinking that this was THE call.

I was at a meeting in Atlanta most of the week, and got special dispensation to keep my phone out and on during the sessions. Someone remarked that it was amusing that every time I talked -- which I tend to do with my hands -- I did it clutching my BlackBerry. In some ways, I didn't want the call to come while I was away from Rob and Sam. In others, I just wanted the call at any time!

Well, when I woke up yesterday morning, I thought to myself (somewhat cynically, I suppose) that I'd probably miss the call while I was in the air flying home. Of course, I checked my voicemail as soon as I landed, and moped off the plane, prepared to wait even until after Christmas for the call.

I was supposed to be taking Sam to a "Santa Jump" at Pump It Up last night, but have a really nasty sinus infection and could barely breathe yesterday. I ended up apologizing profusely, but telling him that we'd go to Toys R Us and pick out a new truck documentary and have a quiet movie night at home last night. It was en route to Toys R Us when my phone rang. I was just about the turn into the parking lot when I heard the phone. I tapped the little button on my Bluetooth, only to realize I'd lost the connection. I contemplated just calling whoever it was once I was parked, but still ended up grabbing the phone thinking it might be Kim. Isn't it amazing how many thoughts can go through my little brain in such a short span of time?!

When I picked up the phone, I also didn't look at the Caller ID... again, weird for me. When I heard the agency director identify herself, I immediately knew that I needed to pull over. I nearly wrecked the van when she agreed that it would be best if I was parked before she told me what she was calling about.

And so it went... We didn't have the experience of an out-of-the-blue call with Sam, and the surprise and joy were everything I imagined they'd be. I managed to keep from crying on the phone, but that could have been because I was taking down notes and actually processing the fact that we were matched with a son. I was really, truly expecting a girl match, though I'd always known we couldn't bet on what the outcome would be.

Korea no longer allows the vast majority of families to request gender, but we impressed upon our social worker at the time that we were not disappointed with that change and that we genuinely didn't have a preference. I had convinced myself in watching the other referrals that it would be a girl, but I really knew I'd be happy with either. I felt like we'd get matched with the child God intended us to have, and that's just what happened.

Sam was in the backseat during the call, of course, and was mildly excited for a few seconds before he realized where we were. Then he only cared about getting into Toys R Us. I felt like it was my first lesson in being a mommy of two. I wanted nothing more than to go home and see the pictures of our son, but Sam would have freaked, so we did our shopping before meeting Rob at home to see the photos.

We'd considered a short list of names for a while, but ended up going with one that, while on the list, probably wasn't the leader for most of the time. When we saw our little guy's face, he just didn't look like some of the other names, but he did look like Max to us. He sort of looks like a sweet, serious, little old man to me and that name just worked. I also like that it goes so well with Sam.

His birth mother did give him his Korean name, so we are absolutely keeping it as part of his name. I searched yesterday evening for a name that meant the same thing as the name she chose, but couldn't find a good American name that means "pretty" or "pretty rock." It's a stretch, but I did read one translation of Maxwell to mean "capable," and since his birthmom wanted him to be "a strong, healthy, happy baby," (a quote that was in his file) we felt like Max still honored that. Owen loosely translates to "gift of God," too, which was important to us.

Sam has adjusted to the news about like I thought he would. He likes to talk about the baby to some degree, and even mentioned that he had a baby in Toys R Us right after the call, but also has moments of not wanting to talk about it and seeming worried.

I've reassured him, after being questioned, that we would certainly love him every bit as much now as we did before Max. I told him that mommies and daddies have special hearts that allow them to grow as much as they need to in order to hold all the love they have for all of their babies.

After hearing that, he was a bit happier about wearing his big brother shirt and was quite chatty with the dentist and his teachers at school about "his baby." He does, however, still seem to think Max is already on a plane. We'll work on that one, or else the next few months will REALLY be long ones.

Keeping my mind occupied

It's too early for the phone to ring, so I'll play this (from Rachel Young's blog.)

GAME RULES:

1. Put your music player on shuffle (ALL MUSIC).
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy doing the game as well as the person you got the game from.


IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OK" YOU SAY:
God Speed (Sweet Dreams) -- The Dixie Chicks

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Barricades and Brickwalls -- Kasey Chambers

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
The Good Stuff -- Kenny Chesney

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
I Am A Man of Constant Sorrow -- Soggy Bottom Boys (now this is sad)

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Something's Gotta Change -- David Phelps

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Bad Day -- Daniel Powter

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Life is a Church -- David Phelps

WHAT IS 2 + 2?
Hollaback Girl -- Gwen Stefani (this made me laugh out loud...for more than one reason!)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Feel Like I Do -- Eric Lindell

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
You're My Better Half -- Keith Urban (how apropos!)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Flyswatter/Ice Water Blues -- Lyle Lovett (huh?)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
I Can Drink the Water (Live) -- Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Home -- Daughtry

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
New Shoes -- Paolo Nutini

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
The Remedy (I Won't Worry) - Jason Mraz

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
I've Got to Be Clean -- Guster (For the Kids) (all of my work friends are cracking up right now... I'm a hotel germophobe!)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Whiskey River -- Sheryl Crow

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
My Sanctuary -- Marc Cohn (great song...weird answer)

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
On My Feet Again -- Jonny Lang

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Sexuality -- k.d. lang (uh oh)

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Thin Line -- Indigo Girls

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
It Hurts Me, Too -- Eric Clapton (this one was bound to work since half my iPod is blues)

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Noisy Head -- Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Secret Agent -- the Backyardigans (maybe I have an admirer??)

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
I've Fallen in Love With You -- Joss Stone (this one makes me sad, too... Not true!)

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Where the Devil Don't Stay -- Drive By Truckers

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
I'm Letting Go -- Francesca Battistelli


Now you try!

No Call Today

Another referral came through today (a little boy born in June) for a homestudy in mid-December. I figure we MUST be in the pile of people they are looking at for the new referrals coming through. It really has got to be any day now.

I've clearly crossed some sort of threshold in terms of my ability to remain calm and patient. I am convinced at this point that I won't be getting a call tomorrow, but rather next week when I'm on an airplane or in a meeting. Everyone in Atlanta knows that I will be keeping my cell phone right next to me and will bolt out for a call that is from a few key area codes. I would REALLY rather be home with Rob and Sam when the call comes, but I'd also rather it be sooner rather than later.... so, that's a long way of saying, I just want the call. I'm no longer picky about the particulars.

It would be kind of interesting to get the news while at the home office. I was a bit of a nudge getting policy changed for our entire organization that ensures adoptive parents can take family medical leave (and use their medical leave pay when doing so.) ACS came through with a really fair, balanced and generous policy. I am told, maybe jokingly, that the HR dept. calls it the "Karen Becker policy" behind closed doors. I just might drag my boss over to that department to say thanks in person if the call comes while I'm there.

I also do think Rob and I have decided on our top two names (one for boy, one for girl.) I'll leave that little bit of suspense hanging in the air until we get the news. Both names carry a variation of the meaning "God is gracious" which is perfect. The boy's name is not quite as decided as the girl's, but I have a feeling that in the end we will make the final call based on meaning. We have had a long road to children in the first place, and the addition of this child will mean our family is complete. No matter how we look at it, we are in agreement that all of the wait and heartache along the way have been because we are being matched with the child God meant for us.

Tagged

I don't think I've ever been tagged on someone else's blog before, but Melissa knows I read her daily Camden and Rory escapades, so she must have known I'd be happy to oblige. :-) And besides, I realize not everyone else is walking around with their phone literally attached to them, waiting for a special call... which I imagine means more news from me about how quiet that phone has been could begin to get boring.

Six Things That Make Me Happy

1. Listening to Sam break into song now that he's memorized a slew of holiday songs for his preschool concert. My favorite is listening to him sing "Hooray for Hanukkah!"

2. The fact that my basement will be completely renovated in time for Christmas morning. Sam will not only have the Geotrax he has his heart set on, but a whole new room of the house in with to play with them!

3. Working downstairs with my laptop so I can simultaneously enjoy CNN and my beautiful Christmas tree.

4. Knowing that I'm married to the kindest, smart and most dedicated guy I know.

5. The number of new photos that I have, waiting to be scrapped, and the notion that I finally have some time off from work to spend scrapping them.

6. Mint truffle Hershey Kisses. Seriously. Try them. And then forget it was me who told you about them when you are looking for someone to blame.

I'm also going to take the liberty of adding here that I'm also grateful that Baby Will and Bob P. are both getting stronger every day.

I'll tag Kim, Shelley, Nancy, Kelli and Kate. If you don't blog, you can use Facebook. Who doesn't love reading about happiness at this time of year?! :-)

List Watch

I just checked the Holt board again to see that FOUR girl matches have been made in the last 24 hours. Two of them were January homestudies; one was a MARCH homestudy; one didn't note a date.

I think I might actually be about to go off the deep end. I really think I am going to lose if we aren't matched soon! I feel like I can't think about anything else!! I know that sounds melodramatic, but I know my fellow adoptive moms/dads know what I mean. The long months of uncertainty are mentally exhausting to me and I'm getting so sad at the thought that, while my baby is born, I don't know who he/she is and might not even have that information by Christmas. It's sad enough that we won't be together over the holidays, but not even having information and a confirmed match is really depressing to me.

Oddly enough, the glimmer of hope in all of this is that I've often heard adoptive families say that as soon as they feel like they can't wait any longer... the call comes.

I sure hope that's true. I'm ready.

Movement!

I just checked the Holt board and saw that someone from our agency received their referral yesterday (for a baby girl) whose homestudy was sent to Korea on the same date as ours!!! There appear to be a few people with older homestudies that still aren't matched (for those not familiar with the process, it's not completely chronological) but my stomach did a huge flip when I saw 1/25/08 next to the name on the list! That REALLY means we could we any time now.

We're having dinner with Kim and Ted tonight to celebrate Kim's birthday. I just know that getting a call today would be a PERFECT thing to talk about over dinner. (And don't worry, Kim... If I get a call, I won't leave you hanging until you get here!)

Fun Scrap News

I've always thought it would be fun to need to scrap an "out for publication" page. I finally got to do it this week! I'm pretty sure Lauren helped things along for me, but I got a sweet note from Digital Artist Magazine that they want to publish a layout of mine called "Adored" in their January issue. That particular month's magazine will focus on love layouts, and the page of mine that they liked is one of my all-time favorites. It's a great, sweet photo of Sam, and it just has a simple bit of journaling about how much his Daddy and I love him.

In other news, my adored child apparently has some sort of radar for when Mommy has a day off from work. I've been *trying* to get things like Christmas shopping, cleaning and preparation for the construction starting next week and generally time to NOT think about work fit into my schedule for a while now. I had three days off before Thanksgiving. Sam had pink eye for two of them.

No biggie. I'll just take the next two Fridays off (I have lots of vacation time to squeeze in before the end of the year) and see what I can get done. Well... The precious little man arrived home from school today feeling kind of warm and sporting a voice that sounded like he'd smoked a pack of cigarettes on the ride home. I can hear him on the monitor now, hacking in his sleep. I feel awful for him, but I must admit I also feel a wee bit bad for myself. I was READY for a day off. We also had planned to go out for dinner with Kim tomorrow night while the boys played at "Saving Grace" night at church.

As it looks now, I'll be quarantined at home yet again. The silver lining, however, is that if tonight is any indication, Sam's not going to be that active tomorrow. He'll want to snuggle on the couch for most of the day... That's certainly not a bad way to spend a day (so long as I don't end up with bronchitis next week!)