Life as MommyMo

Friday, October 17, 2008

Bittersweet Day

I struggle every year on October 17th to sift through all the emotions of this day. It was six years ago today that my life changed forever.

I've never been able to completely put into words what I went through on a day that, all at once, I discovered I was pregnant for the first time, but lost that baby and nearly my own life in the process.

To this day, it's strange to recall the sequence of events. I just glanced at the clock and realized that six years ago at this time, I was probably putting my make-up on when I had that first strangely intuitive notion that perhaps I was pregnant. Since we hadn't been trying I had no reason at all to think that was the case.

I left the house not long after that, drove the wrong way to work and decided to just take a test (all before going to the office) so that I could clear my mind and focus. I'm sure everyone realizes that their life has changed forever the moment they see those two lines on a test, but I had no idea just how surreal the day would be at that point. I assumed the passing feelings of nausea and dizziness I was experienced were all related to nerves over the unexpected news and the anticipation of telling Rob.

I know that I need to continue writing this story, and particularly the experiences I went through when I was near-death, but I just can't yet. I've tried at the urging of so many people, but I always feel like I just need to keep those details stored only in my mind for some reason.

I did go listen to an amazing man from our church talk about all he went through on the road to a heart transplant. I asked him, since he's an author, about finally deciding to write about his journey. He told me that he thinks I'll feel better about everything once I start writing and that I'll probably recall details that I don't remember. I think he may be right, so I really am going to push myself to do it. Soon.

Ironically, this week's DigiDare (a scrapping challenge site I visit weekly) is about scrapping the story of a journey. I instantly thought that perhaps someone is trying to tell me that I need to get started!

Anyway, I wade through the thoughts of that day in 2002 repeatedly every year on Oct. 17. I always end up feeling sad at the thought of all the loss that started that day, incredibly grateful that I made it through, and at peace that -- despite all the pain of those years -- it was all to bring us to the family we have today. I wouldn't trade how things turned out for anything, but it doesn't keep me from feeling a sense of permanent loss on some level.

I'll spend today doing utterly mundane things and being especially careful to remember how blessed I actually am.

In the spirit of doing the regular stuff of my life that makes me happy, I will note that I'll be hosting my first scrapping challenge this weekend as part of Kelley Mickus' party at All Things Visual. Kelley graciously invited me to work with her designs at least a year and a half ago at this point. Not only is she a great designer, we've really been able to get to know each other and every email I get from her brings a smile to my face! Join us at


Melissa said...

I did not know you'd gone through something like this, Karen! While my situation is not the same as yours, I do understand the complete mixture of sadness for how I thought our family would be formed to the absolute gratefulness of what defines our family now.