My Wordle

I've seen this wordart on a few other blogs, but just saw today how to create it myself (by going to Wordle.net). I love seeing the words I (apparently) use most often when writing about my life turned into something so fun to look at. I'm going to have to scrap this for sure.

Another hurdle cleared

I woke up this morning kind of sad to realize that summer is already half over. We haven't even gotten in to any kind of groove yet. Rob's been so busy taking care of his dad that it seems like we can't settle on any kind of routine.

I did have a couple of days off this week. We had our final Parents in Process class on Tuesday at Holt, so I also took Monday off. We spent Monday at the Adventure Aquarium in Camden because it was so hot outside that I about passed out at the very idea of spending the day at Sesame Place. Sam had such a great time at the aquarium. He's followed it up with almost obsessive requests to watch some sea life kiddie documentary Rob discovered. I swear, he spent the entire time he watched it yesterday morning shouting "Look, Mommy! Did you know piranhas..." I admit I don't recall a single detail that he was so excited about, but in my defense, he fired so many aquatic facts at me while I was just trying to down my first cup of coffee that I really can't be expected to have absorbed the information.

As for the hurdle we've cleared, we took the last requisite parenting class at Holt this week. When we first started the process to adopt, I was kind of annoyed that we had to go through formal classes in order to parent. I felt like it was another element of the cosmic unfairness that had been chasing me for a couple of years. After all, I've encountered plenty of parents just during trips to Target that clearly could have used the help. However, when I went to the classes, I realized their value. It's good to spend some conscious time thinking about the unique aspects of raising a child born in another country.

This particular module was geared toward parents who were not first-timers. I thought that meant only people who were adopting again, but it must have meant anyone adding a child to their family. Several couples were adopting for the first time from China after having biological kids. We were among a group that all had preschool-aged boys from Korea and were in process for a second child.

The biggest eye-opener of the day was listening to a lovely woman who was an adoptee herself, and had also adopted two boys from Korea. (I did ask if she had requested gender, since they make exceptions to that rule for adoptees and other people born in Korea, but she did not. Note to self: adjust the mental odds when people ask if we'll be matched with a boy or girl!)

Anyway, this woman spoke to the exact issues Rob and I have always worried the most about... The biggest such issue is how to deal with the inevitable racism that children like Sam are likely to encounter in school. It's easy for us suburbanite Caucasians to feel that our community is diverse and "color-blind," but that's never the truth. No matter how much we want to believe it is, adoptees like Sam and this woman struggle throughout their entire lives to fit in some place. Most adjust just fine and are happy people, but they still deal with the constant awareness that they feel white but are not, and that people assume they are Asian, but don't feel Asian either.

I was in tears twice listening to this woman talk about how her own family could make her feel without realizing it and how she has been treated while doing something as innocent as trying to register for school. I know we've tried out best to gently correct people in our own circles who don't realize that, for instance, Sam is Asian -- not "oriental." That seems like an innocent mistake to some people, but for someone struggling with real identity issues, a family member who can't be bothered to learn the correct term can be deeply hurtful.

We will continue to try to do our best (and need to do better at that) to expose Sam and his soon-to-be brother or sister to aspects of their birth culture that they will want to be somewhat familiar with later in life. It's not easy to balance both sides of their world, but that's our job.

Some Days Are Harder Than Others

It's beginning to get harder to wait and wonder when we'll be matched with our baby. I find myself with my mind wandering off on a pretty regular basis at this point. It's still too early to expect a call, but there's been a small part of me that's always thought we could be on the early side for a referral. Our homestudy has been in Korea for six months already, which is so hard to believe! Of course, his circumstances were different, but Sam was home with us about six WEEKS after our homestudy was complete the first time around. So... I'll just admit right now that the waiting part stinks. I know it's all part of the process and that God will ensure *our* baby is matched with us when the time is right, but I'm still allowed to be antsy, right?

So much of my life changed when Sam came home, and it wasn't all what comes along with being parents for the first time. I had a new job, too. I think part of me is beginning to wonder how this will all play out. Deep down, I feel like a lot is going to change this time as well, but I just can't say what that means for sure. Maybe it's just because I didn't have as long a period to wait and wonder last time, but it would seem that too much time to think is not always a good thing for me.

When I wasn't thinking about all the baby "stuff" today in church, I could not get our friend Ted out of my mind, either. I have no business even beginning to complain that it's been too long since we've had quality time with our friends the Gwaras given how much Ethan and Kim miss him, but it's really starting to wear on us, too! Of course, we pray for his safety every single day (along with about 1,000 or so others also praying for him at our church!) but I can't help but think that I just wish we had a weekend to visit Sesame Place and hang out with the kids. That's probably why I seem to be on such a tear to find a house right in our neighborhood for them to move to. Walks with Sam and Rob have turned into conversations about how many houses we can find that would be just *perfect* for them. Honestly, my definition of perfect right now seems to just mean that the living structure be located within walking distance of my own. There is a house right NEXT DOOR that is certainly more perfect than the others, if I do say so myself.

Fun List

I'm so tired after an interesting travel week that I can't even think of writing creatively. For those work friends who were speculating as to how I would "handle" meeting Mr. Relay For Life himself in person for the very first time, I'm proud to say that we had a really great, long and productive discussion yesterday in Ithaca. I am still tortured over the fact, though, that my boss and I left two hours to drive a distance that should have taken just one, but still got lost in Ithaca and were late to our meeting. Most anyone who knows me at all knows how much I HATE being late. I'm obsessively, annoyingly early for everything in life. The day I meet the icon that is Relay For Life? I'm late. He was very kind about it and even joked with me later when he heard we got lost yet again after parting ways for the afternoon.

So... the fun, mindless part. I don't know why I enjoy these lists so much, but I do.

Here’s the game: you have to answer the question with ONE WORD only and then you have to tag 4 people.
1. Where is your cell phone? purse
2. Your significant other? Sears
3. Your hair? floppy
4. Your mother? honest
5. Your father? Kansas
6. Your favorite thing? Mac
7. Your dream last night? nonexistent
8 Your favorite drink? tea
9. Your dream/goal? independence
10. The room you’re in? toy-strewn
11. Your hobby? digiscrapping
12. Your fear? finances
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? settled
14. What you’re not? energized
15. Muffins? carby
16. One of your wish list items? lens
17. Where you grew up? Kansas
18. The last thing you did? walk
19. What are you wearing? Relay
20. Favorite gadget? Flip
21. Your pets? mopey
22. Your computer? Mac
23. Your mood? tired
24. Missing someone? yes
25. Your car? Toyota
26. Something you’re not wearing? flip-flops
27. Favorite store? jjill
28. Like someone? Mom
29. Your favorite color? green
30. When is the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? Sunday
Tagging? Kim, Noel, Melissa (I know no one else who reads this and also has their own blog!)

Fireworks!

We're taking Sam to see real, live fireworks for the first time tomorrow. This clearly isn't his first Fourth of July, but it is the first year we can be assured he'll still be in a relatively pleasant mood at 9 p.m. when it all starts AND that the loud noises won't scar him for life.

I'm actually not entirely convinced that second point is true, but I'm hoping it is. To be on the safe side, I'm going to get little bitty ear plugs this afternoon that he can wear if he wants to. I think the fun of it all, especially with his cousins, will eventually make him forget the loud booming noises. My dog, on the other hand, has not been left alone on the Fourth for quite some time and may have entirely destroyed our house by the time we return home. He's a big fraidy cat.

I saw this Blogthings quiz on the Sweet Shoppe blog today, and it seemed appropriate, so here you go:

What Your These Fireworks Say About You

You are the type of person who lives a big, bold, and unique life. You love to stand out and be noticed. And people definitely notice you. You are easily excited, and you're quick to move to action. You like to be in motion doing something. Keeping busy makes you feel good.

The Fireworks Test

A big, bold, and unique life? Ok. Sounds like someone else, but I'll take it. Like to be noticed. Um, not so much. If I looked like Jessica Alba, maybe. But I would rather people didn't look that closely on most days! That keeping busy part is true, but I count sitting in front of the computer scrapping as keeping busy, which may not be everything the quiz writer had in mind when I selected that lovely photo of two-in-one fireworks. Then again, who writes those quizzes anyway?!

The end of an era

After a great deal of debate between Sam's Daddy and I, we have finally agreed THE day has come. Sam no longer needs to nap.

Feel free to join me in a nice big sigh.

I have a love/hate relationship with this entire awake-all-day concept. On one hand, it's nice to not be tied to the need to be home for Sam to sleep for four hours in the middle of every single day. It will be nice when we're on vacation (as if) and don't have to plan to find a place to get him to sleep. It will be nice when we know we have parties to go to and typically either deal with a cranky kid or miss half the party.

It will not be so nice on our usually lazy Sunday afternoons, when I get a nice peaceful bit of bonding time with Photoshop and Rob gets to read or garden or play Wii.

There's no question there's some transition involved in this whole ordeal. And I will admit it here, though deny having done so: I am getting off so easy in all of this. Poor Rob. I'm tucked away upstairs working all day while he's left to figure out how to keep our overly active child busy ALL. DAY. LONG. Seriously. The man should be sainted.

That photo you see? That's part of the transition. Rob turned his back for five minutes around 6 p.m. one day last week and Mr. I'm Too Big For Naps, Mommy was out cold.

I have been a delinquent blogger lately because most of my life is consumed by script writing and deciding between the virtues of maple and oak or distressed vintage finishes vs. lovely wood stain vs. paint. I thought that redesigning our kitchen after it's needed it for so long would be fun. And it's not. Don't let anyone tell you differently. There's not a single glamorous thing about knowingly forking over this kind of money and all the while losing serious sleep because you and your significant other can't decide exactly which cabinet door style would look best or if the island should have a small radius edge to it. Call me when it's time to pick the paint. That sounds like more fun to me.

Finally, I promised a friend that I would out myself on my own blog. I assured him that no one that reads this probably cares to see me promote our Relay For Life video contest, but he did get me to admit that anyone who knows me would probably enjoy a laugh at my expense, so here you have it. Watch this video and see just how far I'm willing to go for my job. This ranks up there with serious embarrassment in my book, but my dedication to RelayForLife.org transcends my need to keep people from watching me make a fool of myself. And thanks again to the coworkers who have already seen this and do believe that I deserve combat pay for putting up with these two crazy people while we filmed this.

My secret

I posted in a few places that I had a secret a few days ago. Who knew that my little secret would stir up such curiosity?!

Well... for my nonscrapping readers, the news may disappoint you a bit. For me, however, it's far from mundane news to say that one of my all-time favorite designers, MandaBean, asked me to join her creative team! I was so excited to get her email earlier in the week, but she had to wait a bit to make things official, then I went out of town for a couple of days.

Rob and I went to Washington, DC to celebrate our 10th anniversary a bit early. We had such a great time! Not surprisingly, I found the Newseum to be just about the coolest place I'd ever been. Seriously. We spent SIX HOURS in that place. I was practically giddy to get to see actual copies of front pages like "Dewey Defeats Truman" up close. It was a bit creepy, too, to stand next to the Unabomber's cabin and see the top of a radio tower that was once on the World Trade Center. I could go on, but anyone who's not a total news junkie might start to get bored.

We went to dinner last night at Ruth's Chris. Perhaps it wasn't the most innovative place we could go, but it was Sonoma friendly and Rob had never been. We had a hilarious French waiter and the place practically to ourselves, so we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. I am really loving that I can be on a diet that actually allows me to eat someplace like that and still works. I am going to see if I actually won a weight loss challenge at work this week. A few of us decided to try to lose 10 lbs. in 10 weeks. My official weigh-in for the challenge is tomorrow, but I am pretty sure I'll be able to report 17 pounds.

I still need to unpack before I can go to bed, and tomorrow will be busy. Chalk it up to yet another thing I never thought I'd be doing 10 years ago but am totally looking forward to now: Sam is finally old enough to go to Vacation Bible School! Rob and I volunteered even before we had a child of our own, so we're really looking forward to seeing Sam have fun this week.

HOT

I thought yesterday was possibly the hottest day of my entire life. I'm sure it had something to do with the fact that I was in the middle of a field, next to a track that might possibly have been made of molten lava, but I was wrong.

Yesterday was not the hottest day of my life. Today is. And I'm not happy about it.

And I'm surely only going to get crankier by Tuesday, when the forecast is calling for a heat index of 109 degrees.

I don't think it should be legal to require people to do much of anything in this kind of oppressive heat. I think Rob and Sam should be able to stay home tomorrow and eat popsicles all day.

I also keep anyone who doesn't have the luxury of sitting in air conditioning, in front of a computer, whining on a blog *waaahhh...it's hot out*** in my prayers on days like this. Ever since I was little, really hot or really cold weather makes me think about homeless people. I hate that there are people in the world who have no place to go on days like this.

This week

This has been one of the most un-fun weeks I've had in ages. It's sad and frustrating all at once to have thing begin to change when you're just not ready for it. It's hard to watch the one you love the most struggle so much with it.

Because this is at least in theory a public blog, I don't want to violate anyone's privacy by putting down in black and white what all the stress is about, but suffice it to say it's taking it's toll on my husband, and I fear we're only getting started with what's to come.

My superman husband is tormenting himself about all the good he's supposed to be doing in the world tomorrow. He's genuinely needed in more places than one body is capable of occupying, and it's breaking him down to decide what to do. I may have to slip something into his root beer tonight to get him to sleep. Poor guy. Then again, it times of intense stress, Rob seems to be able to just drop off to sleep as a way of escape. Let's hope he at least gets that much respite!

I took Sam to Family Fun Night at Laurel Tree tonight. He has markedly matured since last year when he ran from activity to activity like a whirlwind. He was calm tonight and actually ate a little bit. What he ingested wasn't healthy, but edible substances did enter his body. That's progress.

He also spent a good deal of time in the world's largest moonbounce. A few parents let little itty bitty kids go in this contraption. Sam saw a roughly 18 month old girl start to cry when she got bounced into, resulting in a bloody lip. His first instinct was to stop, watch her intently, then rush to me to ask if she was ok and how he could make her feel better.

This week may be stressful, but God seems to have a way of letting me know that things will still be ok!

Baby Fever

Does anyone remember me saying that the wait wasn't too bad yet? It must be because I'm so sure *our* baby is on the planet somewhere now that it's gotten measurably more difficult to remain patient over the last few days.

I think I officially have baby fever again.

I wonder if waiting in a long line in a dingy immigration office in Northeast Philadelphia in the wee hours of Saturday morning will put a damper on that at all?

Strong feeling

I've been meaning to get this "on paper" for a few days now. I have NO IDEA why, but I said to Rob on more than one occasion this weekend that I really think our baby was born May 31 or June 1. I have absolutely no idea if this is true and know I won't find out until the end of the year if I was right, but whoever he or she is or will be, I've definitely started to think about "the baby" a lot.

I think I've got a REALLY bad case of nesting settling in, too, since we meet with the designer for the first time today to plan out the new kitchen. I'm antsy to do something to get the rooms for Sam and the baby switched over, but can't really do much to the nursery until we know if we'll have a boy or girl. I'm still fairly well convinced we'll have a girl, but I know that the minute I buy something pink, I'll get a call that we have another son!

We've been back to talking about baby names a lot, too. Sam announced this weekend that, regardless of gender, HIS baby (still working on sharing, apparently) will be called "Mr. Wow." Catchy, no? I'm also pretty sure he's got a hidden Johnny Cash stash somewhere, because prior to the big Mr. Wow decision, he told me that we were getting a boy and that HER name would be Sue. I think I've blogged about that before, but it still cracks me up.

Rob finally saw firsthand some of Sam's emotional reaction to the adoption. It seems to come and go, and was definitely coming this weekend. The two of them were watching the movie "An American Tail," and when the little mice were in Orphan Alley looking for their family, Rob looked over to see Sam with tears streaming down his face. He told Rob that he didn't want to watch the movie and just stood there silently crying because he found it so sad that anyone would get separated from their family. I really have no idea if the Orphan Alley part had anything to do with this, but it sure had an impact on us.

Sam also has taken, again, to stuffing blankie under his shirt to pretend it's a baby. I asked him about it on Sunday and he told me that he knows babies grow in bellies. I asked him if he knew whose belly he grew in and he said, "Yes. My Daddy's." I asked if he'd ever seen another daddy with a baby in his belly and said no. He also said that "babies don't grow in your belly, Mommy." We've told him on more than one occasion that my belly is broken. I try to keep that comment separate from discussion about adoption, however. So, my poor kid is probably a bit confused. He knows he's adopted in terms of the word, but he doesn't really know that that means. I think we're doing the right thing, though, by making him comfortable with the word so that it won't be as big a deal when he really understands what it means.

I was proud to hear him say something today that made me know that while he may not truly understand adoption yet, he knows what family is. He was chattering on the way to school that Mommies and Daddies and babies always take care of each other. Then he said, "You know what, Mommy? You don't even have to look alike to be family. Daddy and Willy look just alike, but Daddy and Uncle David don't. Uncle David has more hair. But they are still brothers, aren't they, Mommy?" Truth and humor. The best combination!

Public Service Announcement

Even when you KNOW your child is completely and totally potty trained, S#*t still happens. Don't be an idiot and go out to places like Relay For Life events in the middle of a football field with no wipes or changes of clothes, even in your car that's parked 15 min. away. Spare stuff takes up so little room in your car. For the love of Pete, just keep it with you. At all times. Sick children often come with no warning. I'm just sayin'.

Oh, and when all else fails, be sure to always have your trusty friend Kim and her perfectly-sized child with you. Because she's probably smarter than you and will be well-equipped.

Announcement over. Don't say I didn't warn you.

A break...

I've been writing for what seems like DAYS for work! I'm not really complaining since I really like to write, but my eyes are starting to bug out. I thought I'd take a quick lunch break and what do I do? Go poke around online! I thought of trying to eat lunch with my eyes closed to give them a break, but that doesn't work well when you're eating salad!

The next best thing? Spending a few minutes daydreaming about vacation... Between the impending adoption of our second sweetie and the construction of a new kitchen (woohoo!) we're not doing much in the way of a formal vacation this year. When I ran across a blog post at The Sweet Shoppe today, though, it gave me a few minutes to daydream about where I *would* go if I could swing it.

The easy answer for me: I want to go heli-hiking in Banff. Not such an easy vacation with a preschooler, but I swear that I will take two trips before I die. I will heli-hike in the Canadian Rockies and we will take a trip to South Korea as a family.

I think our alternative this year will be a short road trip to do something fun with Sam. It may not get much more exotic than New York, Pennsylvania or Massachusetts, but at least we'll get away together.

I realize I'm too old for this

but I was seriously. seriously. excited about this last night. It's clear I don't get out much, since I took almost personal pride in David Cook's American Idol victory last night.

I was thinking about this while getting ready this morning. There was a time not very long ago when I might have been embarrassed to admit that I am a diehard-never-miss-an-episode fan of such a teeny bopper show. You know what?! I think I'm finally getting old enough that I don't care if it makes me look like a dork. Rob and I have a great time hanging out together every Tuesday and Wednesday night watching the show. For the record, he's not as happy as I am this morning. My poor, misguided husband is a huge Archie fan.

So, now that my little confessional for the morning is over...

I'll be taking Sam to school soon. He was home all day yesterday for a non-existent illness, which made getting any work done very difficult. It's not his fault, but the kid had tons of energy but had to be stuck inside with me all day. It's days like yesterday, though, that I count my lucky stars for my job. I get to do something I love from home, which means if Sam is sick, there are usually no worries that he can be home with his mommy until he's better.

Except he wasn't sick yesterday. Did I mention that? I got a call on Tuesday that he'd thrown up during naptime. The story was that he woke up out of a sound sleep, sick as a dog. Well, he was as bouncy as could be 15 min. later when I arrived to take him home. After much conversation about the incident, it would seem that his allergies caused a nagging cough (which has been going on for days now). The tickle finally mad him gag up some of his lunch. I won't go into further detail, but suffice it to say that Sam knew exactly the contents and volume of said sickness.

Thank goodness he wasn't actually sick. It would stink to be sick this week, as he's about to turn four. I think this is the first time he's really looked forward to his birthday for so long. He was excited last year, but he knows exactly when it is this year and can't WAIT for his party at the firehouse this Saturday.

Lost cuteness
I saw a digiscrap the other day about the cute things that this woman's kids don't do any longer. She commented that we capture lots of firsts, but have no way of knowing when something might be happening for last time. That struck me as so true!

Sam no longer comments that "five minutes is A LOT" when warned that a given activity is coming to a close. He no longer says "OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!" while watching a ceiling fan spin above him. He doesn't even call me Mommy all the time anymore! He's started to just say "Mom" about half the time now.

I know there are many more. I think I'll mentally gather them and see if I can do a layout of my own. It seems like an appropriate way to mark his birthday. Maybe it will get my mind off of the slight sadness that I just can't shake every year at this time. I love him to pieces and am still in awe of how lucky we are to have been brought together, but I also just know in my gut that his birthmom must struggle at this time of year. I wish she could see what an amazing little boy our son is.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Ever since I lost my first pregnancy in 2002, I swore I would never get upset about getting older. I'm very happy to say I'm not pretending when I say that I really, genuinely don't mind birthdays or the fact that I'm not getting any younger. I'm still grateful that I had an extremely talented surgeon who gave me what I hope will be many more years with Rob and my family.

After a very long and exhausting few weeks at work, I took my birthday off on Friday with my mom. Other than spending 5 hours in the car for a trip that should have taken about two, we had a great time. We went to a new outlet mall in Pottstown and made out like bandits. I forgot how nice it can be to shop without a 35-year-old man and a 4-year-old boy whining that they're bored and ready to go.

I got the chance to see friends that I hadn't seen in a while that evening and hung out with family on Saturday night. It's been such a nice weekend. Too bad it's almost over!

I always experience my birthday as bittersweet since Andrew quickly declined on my birthday and died on May 18. It's hard to believe that it's been 12 years today since we lost him. I've unfortunately lost most contact with his mother, whom I absolutely adored. I hope she's doing well in Georgia and that she knows that lots of people still love her AND Andrew. Speaking of those people, I finally got to see John for the first time in a long time today, too! I really need to figure out a way for us to hang out or talk more. We have so little in common in our day-to-day routines that it can be difficult, but every time we are together, it's like no time has passed at all. If ever there were a definition of a great friend, I think that's it. We even hugged today. Anyone that knows the two of us knows that's not our usual greeting! I've been missing him so much that it only seemed right.

Sam received his very first trophy this weekend. He completed (sort of) his first soccer season on Saturday. He hasn't really been participating much, so I doubt we'll try again for a while, but it's been really cute to see him tote the trophy around the house. He's been repeating Coach Jeff, who announced that Sam was "last but not least." Sam thinks that phrase is hilarious.

I'll spend this week getting ready for Sam's big birthday party at the firehouse. If any of my crafty friends have ideas for clever favors, I'm all ears!

Relay For Life -- a shameless plug

Relay For Life is not just my job. It's really a big part of our lives. When Rob was diagnosed with cancer over 11 years ago, he didn't want to talk about it. To anyone. But I still had a huge need to do SOMETHING. Volunteering is in my DNA, but Rob didn't want anything to do with anything about cancer.

I'd lost Andrew in May, and less than six months later, Rob was diagnosed. That was a lot for a 22-year-old to process, but the one thing I knew was that I needed to find a way to somehow volunteer for the "cancer cause." I didn't exactly plan for my opportunity to come because I was laid off and needed a job, but such is life.

From the minute I started working for the American Cancer Society, I knew I'd found my calling. Rob still didn't want to admit he'd had cancer, but after he saw his first Survivors Lap at a Relay For Life, he got it. We've been Relaying ever since.

I know that many people we know were there when Rob battled with cancer or have walked alongside someone else who's fought a good fight. So... If you got an email from me today or are reading this now, I am plugging Relay not because it's my job, but because I still feel the importance of doing my little part in our own community to make sure research and family services continue.

Here's my fundraising page I'd love it if you could join us for a lap at Relay on June 7 or if you could make a donation to support the cause. I work every day to make sure your contributions are put to very good use!

Andrew

For the first time in a very long time, I dreamt about Andrew last night. We were at some house, with lots of people we knew, but the two of us were just hanging out and talking. I think at one point we were having a debate about which kind of hairdryer worked best!

I came out of the dream to Sam screaming that he had to use the potty. Thankfully, Rob jumped up to solve the emergency. I didn't want to wake up. It's hard to believe that it's been 12 years since Andrew died. I still think about him every single day, but in a strange way, having a dream about him made him seem so close.

I suppose I'm thinking of him more because the anniversary of his death is getting closer. It's amazing to me that I'm older now than he was when he died. I'm so glad that we named Sam for him and I wonder sometimes what things would be like if he were still here. I am sure he would have found Sam hysterical and that we would still be close friends, but the reality is that if it weren't for AIDS, Andrew would have made his life in Florida. I wouldn't have met him. Even if I had, he probably wouldn't have lived here in New Jersey where we could see each other often.

I suppose there's no point in wondering what might have been... I'm lucky to have known him no matter what the circumstance. I'm convinced that much of how I live my life is because of the lessons I learned from Andrew.

I miss him.

Our weekend

I do not feel like Mother of the Year this weekend. We miss Rob for sure, but I didn't do a bang-up job of keeping Sam industriously occupied while passing the time.

What I thought were bug bites are most likely shingles, so I've been itchy and cranky. My back is also hurting like crazy. My sympathies to anyone who deals with that regularly. Ouch. Seriously. Now I know why a spinal fusion must seem like a worthwhile option to people.

Anyway, I wish I'd been able to do something constructive with Sam, but I just haven't been able to. He's trying (I think) to cooperate, but the kid is nonstop energy. Combine that with a grouchy mommy and a drizzly, chilly weekend, and you have a recipe for chaos. I swear it's taking everything I have to stay calm... and the antihistamine for itching is supposed to make you totally calm. I can't imagine what condition my nerves would be in without it!

I had a major case of the guilts when I put Sam down for bed last night. He was in one of his spinning-top episodes and I was so frustrated by the time I left his room. I kept kicking myself for not having the patience to lay there with him to help calm him down. Luckily, he did that himself and went to sleep fairly quickly. That was not the case the night before or at naptime. It took him nearly two hours both times to settle down. He made up for it by waking up at 5:15 this morning.

The good news is that we got some good snuggle time in on the couch yesterday and seem to have found a new movie Sam enjoys: Ice Age: Meltdown. It's hilarious to hear Sam giggle when one of the characters gets totally filled up with water and goes buzzing all over the glacier like a balloon that is losing air. We also had a few rousing rounds of Chutes and Ladders throughout the day. Sam kicked my rear each time! He's all ladders... I'm nothing but chutes.

One random story that I'm not sure how to interpret: Sam, as I've previously reported, is quite curious about the whole new baby thing. He seems to be adjusting, but still asks if we're going to keep him. We've dealt with that to some degree by turning that question on him (as well as reassurances every single time he asks). He has asked where our baby is growing and didn't quite buy the response that God was in charge of that part. He gets that there's a belly with a baby in it somewhere, and understandably can't figure out why it's not mine.

He's apparently decided to step in for me. I've seen him on multiple occasions with his blankie stuffed up his shirt. He even woke up that way from nap yesterday. I ask why he's wearing his blanket in such a manner and he tells me simply that "it's my baby." I've decided not to make too much of it at all. It makes me kind of sad to know he's doing that when he's alone and trying to fall asleep. I'm guessing he's laying there thinking about the whole thing. I just hope that all of the discussions about how important he is to our family are starting to stick with him. I like to think that they are since his behavior over all has improved, but there's no doubt that there's a lot going on in that little head.

On to Wave 2

I've had a few people ask what the heck I'm talking about when I say I'm following the Sonoma Diet. Basically, it's a lean protein, vegetable, fruit and whole grains diet. I've heard it compared to South Beach and Sugar Busters. I chose it because one of my bestest buddies has lost a ton of weight on it (that's the best kind of motivation!) and because the recipes ALL sounded great when I perused the book and web site before making up my mind. I also just knew I needed something different.

When Sam was coming home, I did a good job of following a plan. I used his impending arrival as my focal point for getting healthier. I really need to do the same thing again, and so far, Rob and I are loving this.

It's not that interesting to listen to someone else talk about a diet, but I wanted to log my progress for myself so that I stay on my game. I officially begin Wave 2 today (I can't wait to go buy some fruit!) and have lost just over five pounds now. I'm on my own this weekend since Rob is in Ohio for a Relay meeting, but I have already made a shopping list and planned a few of the recipes that I'm going to make. Anyone who knows me well knows how WEIRD this is for me. I don't cook on a good day. And cooking when home by myself? Never. But...watch me go! I'm going to make Shrimp Serrano tonight. Doesn't that make me sound fancy?!

My other occupation while Rob is out of town may be spending a bit too much on scrap supplies. It's a holiday tomorrow after all. What?! Most people don't consider National Scrapbooking Day a holiday?! How is that possible?

One week

I've been on Sonoma for one week now, and can actually say I'm enjoying myself. How weird is that?! I always like the sense I control I feel once I decide I need to formally follow a diet, but this sense goes beyond that. The food tastes good and Rob and I are cooking more. That means we spend more time together and get to talk. Before we committed to follow a diet plan that required A LOT of cooking, we used up every spare minute we had and one of us (mostly Rob) rushed to get something quickly on the table. The recipes we're using now mean that both of us usually need to be in the kitchen. I suppose a more experienced cook wouldn't find it that way, but neither of us are gourmets and we also have a nearly four-year-old who is STILL in the beige food phase.

Rob's having his willpower tested sooner than I am. He goes to Ohio for a Relay For Life Advisory Team meeting this weekend. I can let him report back on how easy it is to follow Sonoma when on the road. My dear friend Kelli tells me we can do it. She's been amazingly successful already and is the one who finally convinced me to try something other than Weight Watchers. So far, I've lost as much weight in the first week as I would have on WW (four pounds, for anyone in the Relay 10 lb. club who's counting!!)

I just realized that I've typed two entire paragraphs about a diet. Wow. What fun for no one else but me. Sorry. My blog, my free therapy.

I'm off to start an early day of work. I have more to do than I can possibly get done, and needed one day with a few extra hours in it to at least *feel* like I'm making headway. Lord knows I've learned that when you're flying solo with Sam, not much but the basics gets done!