Life as MommyMo

I won!

2012-01-12T19:47:00.002-05:00

Thanks to Melissa for this illustrious award!

I think it means I'm supposed to tell everyone seven random things about myself. Lots of things about me are pretty random, but I'm sure I can think of a way to pare it down to *just* seven... Let's see...

1. Some people know this about me, but it's random nonetheless: I don't let anyone (seriously... ANYone) touch my pillow.

2. I got a milk frother for Christmas and I truly believe it has changed not just my coffee, but my life.

3. I am a political news junkie. I am a diehard social justice Democrat. I met Newt Gingrich once and REALLY liked him. Seriously, nicest politician I've ever met.

4. Every single week since I was about 14 years old, I have worn the same grey hoodie (almost exclusively at home, mind you) at least once.

5. I love love love being the mom of two boys. I am done having kids. I still dream up names for girls.

6. I can't sleep in silence.

7. I wear children's socks.

I'm supposed to tag seven bloggers, but I'm not sure I know that many. I will tag these people on Facebook:

1. Kim Gwara
2. Kelli Barry
3. Anne Huff
4. Lauren Reid
5. Leslie Robinson
6. Mindy Juntti
7. Angie Roach

In other news, lots of doctor visits lately. Still not lots of answers. The never-ending sinus infection and bronchitis seem to FINALLY be going away on a new round of antibiotics. What? It doesn't take everyone eight weeks of drugs to get over this kind of thing?!

I am expecting a call tomorrow to let me know if the team of doctors that it takes to figure out this crazy disease want me to start the drug protocol before or after surgery. I went to the ENT to schedule a biopsy, only to be told that if I need to be put to sleep, he wanted to do about five other things while he was in there. Several other doctors (not surgeons) think the chemo might be the better route. I'm prepared for either or both. I just want to do something so I don't feel like I'm stewing in granulomatosis. Who ever thought *those* words could end up in a single sentence?!

For better or worse...

2011-12-11T19:54:00.003-05:00

I know I've said it before: I have an awful time blogging about our "stuff" when it's not just fun stories about the kids. I apparently like to live in denial!

The last time I posted, we were just beginning to explore Sam's eating issues. We finally have his endoscopy scheduled for this Wednesday, an appointment that took forever to secure, and Rob and I came home from (an alone!) trip to Disney tonight to find out Sam is probably too sick to be sedated. I have a feeling I'll spend tomorrow trying to beg for an appointment sometime soon. I was hoping to have it done at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia center near home so it didn't seem too out of the norm for him. Now I imagine he'll be going to the hospital so it can be rescheduled quickly.

In other news, after years and years of fevers and crazy symptoms that left me feeling like I was losing my mind when no diagnosis could be found, I finally know that I have a weird, rare, hard-to-pronounce autoimmune disease. I've had a suspicion for a while after a crazy blood test, but managed to use my word nerd tendencies to their fullest capabilities and not admit to myself that the evidence was there. Basically, I read the result as I *could* *might* *maybe* have a *tendency* toward this icky illness. Then I did what I do best -- focused on someone else's problems (this time they were Sam's) and waited to follow-up on my own stuff for a couple of months.

My awesome doctor gently broke the news that what I was reading was real and that I needed serious treatment. His advice was to send me to Johns Hopkins where doctors at only one of four locations in the US are experienced in treating autoimmune vasculitis. He also hugged me as he left the room. That is what did me in. Words didn't convey what I was dealing with (and shock was probably playing a factor) but getting a serious hug from my stoic doctor woke me right up. After getting ridiculously nervous and then calming down and doing tons of research (big shocker) myself, I found a doctor at UPenn who jumped right on the case, even coming in early the day after I called his office to see me. I have a lung and sinus scan tomorrow to stage the disease (as much as it can be without a biopsy, which he feels he can spare me from right now) and then I start nasty drugs. We'll see which ones based on the outcome of the scans and what my titer levels are this week.

Before then, I will focus on Sam's test (assuming he can have it), do a few fun Christmas things and have a few friends over for a list hurrah with margaritas on Friday night. I have my priorities.

It's the thought that counts

2011-11-08T06:44:00.003-05:00

I've thought of posting lots. Does that count for something? I so want to make this blogging thing a habit again.

This week may be full of "news" and changes for us, so perhaps I'll have something more excited than "hey, we went to Costco. Again" to share! Sam is headed to the nutritionist this week. As a mom, I feel like I've always had pretty good instincts about what was going on with the kids. Not so much right now. The Reader's Digest version of the saga is that Sam just doesn't eat enough. The task before us now is to understand why. My suspicion is that we'll find more than one reason, making it infinitely more complicated to solve the problem.

No matter what, I'm anxious to have someone explain scary events like finding him upright in bed at 9 p.m., casually mentioning that he'll go to sleep once his food finishes going down his throat -- from dinner hours before. Perhaps someone will also explain why my child can't eat the "pointy part" of a slice of pizza.

Sounds so weird and I've spent a great deal of time begging him to not be so picky. I've tired every just-wait-he-won't-starve-himself trick and tactic in the book. Turns out he WILL starve. We've resorted to measures like protein shakes in the morning that do seem to help, but I'm just plain scared that he's not going to grow correctly with what he can and/or will eat.

So... now we start the long process of solving the mystery. Nutritionist this week. Endoscopy next month. Full-fledged feeding team after that. Stay tuned.

School's in Session

2011-09-08T07:56:00.003-04:00

The boys are back at school, but I'm not sure we're quite yet in our groove. I'm pretty sure second grade has taken Sam by surprise. He had his first full day yesterday. I got home from work around 5 and he was falling asleep on the couch by 5:45. I had to get back to work, but found out from Rob later that he'd taken a bath and put himself to bed at 6:30 p.m. As sure as I was that we'd hear him up and about at 3 a.m., he actually stayed in bed until 6 a.m.!

Max seems to be just fine back in full-day preschool. He turns on the water works for Daddy when it's time for Rob to leave, but the teachers all say that he's perfectly fine within a minute.

Our bus schedule has been the newest thing to adjust to. To literally add injury to insult yesterday (the insult being that our bus stop has been moved because of the family who lived where we used to be, pushing our stop back to 8:50 a.m.) I was rushing into work yesterday morning and totally wiped out on my wet shoes when I entered the building.

I feel totally fine when I'm sitting down, but when I try to walk -- something I tend to need to do on a fairly regular basis -- my left knee laughs at me. It doesn't really hurt, but it feels like jell-o. My nurse mother was apparently not mocking me when she told me that she thinks I popped a ligament. Fabulous. I am going to see the doctor this morning in the hopes she has better news.

I really need to post the dreary, rainy back to school photos I took, but my memory cards and card reader are at work for a project I've been working on there. Oops!

Pardon the mess...

2011-08-26T17:50:00.002-04:00

Working on a fancy pants new blog design. I'm having one little technical issue, which is why you see the background you do. Sales pitch: Becca Bonneville is AWESOME and coming to my rescue!! Hit up 2Peas if you need a pretty bloggie, too!

Natural Disasters

2011-08-25T15:38:00.003-04:00

This has certainly been an interesting week for a vacation. We had absolutely beautiful weather early in the week... It was only 80 degrees when we visited Ocean City on Monday.

Tuesday, though, we experienced our very first earthquake. Amazingly, as many people that felt it, I haven't heard of anyone seriously hurt. My dogs might argue that they have been mentally exhausted. If I ever doubted what they can detect, I shouldn't. They both woke up around 1ish this morning, pacing, whimpering and generally acting looney. I woke up to find out that there had been a decent aftershock around that time. I didn't feel a thing (maybe a testament to my memory foam matress topper?!) but they definitely noticed something was amiss.

Today, it's been dark, dreary and rainy all day. I think we might get a reprieve for a while tomorrow, but only long enough to brace for Hurricane Irene that is headed our way on Saturday.

Why am I talking about the weather so much? Surely I have better things to say after such a long blogging break. All of this is to capture how utterly excited I am that along with my fever, my barometric pressure-induced headaches seem to also be a thing of the past. This kind of crazy back-and-forth weather *should* have me hiding in bed, holding my head and wishing someone would invent a drug to fix things for me. Instead, I'm enjoying watching the rain, cuddled up in a blanket with a lovely book and a fresh glass of iced coffee. It's nice. Really, really nice.

I think I'm back

2011-08-24T15:36:00.003-04:00

I just looked at the date of my last post. Holy cow. It's been more than a year since I've blogged. As I said to an online friend yesterday, I just sort of gave up when I had what seemed like only icky things to talk about. Mind you, the past year hasn't been a bad one overall. I just don't like whining about personal stuff and I felt like it was all I could think about.

Here's the update: I had a fever for about 16 months. I'd also had it several years ago. Both times, I'd been examined up and down and inside out with no real answers. The stress, not to mention the fatigue, joint paint, etc. were exhausting. Well, after what seemed like a sure rheumatoid arthritis diagnosis, I went to a rheumatologist to get another opinion and find out what treatment I would need. I was DREADING the idea of more steriods. Well, within literally about 30 seconds, the guy told me that he thought if I stopped taking my Singulair, I'd probably lose the fever.

Lo and behold, about a day later I had no fever. Today is 14 days since that appointment and I am still fever free. I also have a ton more energy and virtually no joint pain. I still feel a little in my hands, but that doctor as well as a few others were so kind as to point out a couple of "age-related" issues I seem to have welcomed into my life.

The timing for the fever's end was perfect since we are all on vacation together this week. So far, we've had a day at the beach, a park day (with a little earthquake action thrown in for good measure) and a day at Storybookland. I've had plenty of energy for everything and feel better than I have in years. Yay me.

The boys probably deserve their own update. Sam is seven and as ready as he'll ever be to start second grade. He's currently quite happy to have learned that one of his best buddies is in his class this year. Max just turned three and will be be going back to the Laurel Tree Academy full-time. We *think* this will make this year a bit more manageable for all of us.

I'll try to be better about updating. I'm kind of regretting not capturing a few more of the daily kid stories than I have lately. The scrapbooks are good, but there's something different about just writing about what's going on.

HOT

2010-07-05T20:27:00.003-04:00

I can sum up the time I've been away in one little word: HOT. Once school was out, we headed off to Disney World, a trip we've been planning for months now. I'm nearly certain that the term "hell on Earth" was coined by someone visiting the Magic Kingdom with small children in July. There are no other words to describe that particular place at that particular time of year.

I called my mom on her birthday while we were away only to hear that the weather back home was glorious. Not 12 hours after we landed back home, the craziest heat wave to hit our area in years descended upon us. I'm beginning to feel punished! It's supposed to be 100+ degrees for the next few days... I may or may not survive.

Oh, the actual trip to Disney: it was fun. I will now admit that I "get" what people are talking about. Since I'm safely ensconced in air conditioning I can also now admit that we didn't get to see enough while there. I went into the week wanting to just enjoy our time there and make sure no one got sick in the heat. Modest goals if you ask me.

We did accomplish both of those objectives and managed to find plenty to make both kids happy. I can definitely see why a trip sans children would be a fun time. It just may happen for Kelli's 40th in January, too. I'm sure I will have far more patience when the weather is in the 60s/70s!

The highlight of the trip for both boys turned out to be -- who knew? -- Donald Duck. Max went silly screaming "DUCK!" every time he saw him. Thank goodness no one thought there was a heavy object coming their way. He was quite forceful about his shouting. Sam also quickly discovered the whole pin trading phenomenon and set out to collect every unusual Donald Duck pin he could find. He was pretty successful, too. It was so cute to see him approach any and every cast member he could find to trade. I've managed to block out what this little activity cost... To be fair, he did "earn" $100 in Disney gift cards for good behavior in the weeks leading up to the trip. He also did a fantastic job of budgeting what he had while we were there. We only added a bit extra at the end (he doesn't realize he'd run out, which is fine...) to acquire one particular pin that he was DYING to nab but lost out on.

It's hard to believe I'm back to work tomorrow. What's even harder to believe is that I only have nine days left with the American Cancer Society. I'll wax more nostalgic about that in a few days, I'm sure. The reality hasn't completely set in just yet. Well, it's set in somewhat, since I've already had two meeting requests from fellow staff members at church! They are being incredibly gracious about asking me to put things on my calendar for the first week. For now, I'm focusing on leaving things as tidy as possible at ACS and making sure I feel ready for such a big shift in gears.

So far, so good

2010-06-09T19:11:00.003-04:00

I don't have a ton of time to post, but I wanted to document that while I've been fairly steady weight-wise for weeks, the change in what I'm eating seemed to kick things into gear! Yay me... I've lost two pounds in four days. Handmade, organic, whole grain spinach, tomato and garlic fettucine was the highlight of my day today. It's the little things that make me happy.

Day One is easy

2010-06-06T14:09:00.002-04:00

I was weirdly thrilled to buy lots of groceries at Whole Foods yesterday... I also picked up super supplements that my mom is convinced could save the world. It had been a while since I'd done much shopping there, and I'm pretty sure the number of vegans in my region must have increased exponentially in that period of time. I was amazed at the vast selection of EVERYTHING for those who don't do food with a face. (I must say, though, that I think WF slaps a vegan label on anything they can... I saw several baked goods that I'm pretty sure have always been vegan, but some genius in marketing saw an opportunity and had a roll of stickers in his/her hand.)

I realize it's only 2:13 p.m., but I'm still happy I've done well. I had yogurt with lowfat granola and berries for breakfast. I'm having carrots, cucumbers and whole wheat pretzels with white bean dip for lunch, along with a bottle of Morroccan Mint Honest Tea. I was ravenous after church when I met up with the boys at a party, but I was easily able to not eat the pizza and cake they were serving.

I'm going to spend the rest of today figuring out if we can convince Rosie to go in a crate when we're gone. She is an absolutely lovely animal, but I'm concerned that her level of neuroticism is going to give us all problems. I don't know how long she cries when I leave, but she's at the window, clawing for her life when I leave and when I return. She's torn curtains and ripped into drywall with her scratching, so I think it's safe to say she's got a bad case of anxiety. I'm going to see if putting her in a crate where she feels safer helps at all.

I just re-read this post. Wow, does my life sound exciting or what?!

A New Beginning

2010-06-05T11:50:00.003-04:00

After another round of mismatched symptoms and blood tests, I've decided that I am ~~going~~ need to use my control freak tendencies to my advantage to do more than just diet. I'm convinced that I need a pretty radical change to be healthier overall. For once, I am not going to make weight loss my top priority. That's kind of daunting, but I also think doing so prevents me from making long-term change.

Don't get me wrong. I think Weight Watchers, in particular, is awesome. But I think I'm finally becoming honest enough with myself to know when I take liberties that I shouldn't because it seems like I'm still "on plan" when in reality I'm only hurting myself.

I also know that we have lots of reasons (which are really just more excuses) for not doing what we need to do. We are busy, but so is everyone else. We have a very picky eater living with us, but so do lots of other parents. The truth is that we haven't prioritized our health to the degree we should.

So, while I wait for Rob to return from Costco with lots of our "regular" fresh veggies and fruit, I'm doing some flexitarian/part-time vegetarian/healthy living research and preparing for an exploratory trip to Trader Joe's and Whole Foods while Max naps. The child will go to sleep with Pop Tarts in the house and wake up to more steel cut oats.

Actually, the kids and even Rob are a hurdle in all of this. I had enough of a meltdown this week over feeling miserable that I think Rob's on board, but I'm not sure exactly how we'll tackle incorporating all of this for the kids. I have decided that we can take that as it goes as long as I am always putting out the effort to make the right choices for myself. I'm not deluded enough to think that things like lentil rice pilaf are going to take the place of chicken nuggets for at least one of my children anytime soon.

I'm a control freak

2010-06-04T12:45:00.004-04:00

Odd that, while I've known this about myself for years, I don't think I've actually been willing to believe it about myself until this week. There's so much up in the air right now, that I'm finding it hard to focus, hard to sleep, hard to keep my wits about me from moment to moment.

I want to be patient and take things as they come, but things like a baby who is in the throes of a total food throwing phase test every last fiber of my nervous system. Luckily, I find myself able to take a step back *almost* in the moment to realize that said child is doing nothing but practicing motor skills and having fun. He loves me and certainly would NOT be tossing banana at the back of my head were he to know that I was about to crack about deadlines, expected phone calls, schedules for three other human beings, etc.

So... I decided just today that while there's lots I can't control in life, I can control how controlling I am. Poetic, right? Basically I'm trying to promise myself to take a few more deep breaths than I usually do before I start to feel the stress ball in my stomach begin to well up. I'm sure that the stress will still be there, but no one but me is ultimately affected if I let it get to me. So I won't. Or at least I'll try not to. Now... Who's going to volunteer to keep me honest?!

I figured it out...

2010-05-31T13:34:00.003-04:00

For some reason, I've felt the need to be entirely too self-critical when it dawns on me how long I am able to go without posting to my blog. I usually let myself off the hook, but yesterday I found myself wondering what exactly keeps me from writing.

I love to preserve memories. So that made me think that I do that in so many other ways that maybe I don't feel the NEED to blog, too?

I like to write. So that made me think that I am doing a lot more wordy stuff with the way my job has changed. Maybe THAT sucks the need to write about myself out of me?

I like to share cool, funny stories. So that made me think that I have Facebook for that.

There you have it. Lots of "reasons," but really nothing more significant that a busy life and too many distractions. It was actually seeing a service to print my blog that brought me back here today. I want to do a better job of capturing stories as they happen. When I go back and read old posts, I realize I do it well sometimes, not so well others. If I DO do it well, I really could create a fun memory book for the kids that involves no scrapping. Imagine that!

I suppose I have other reasons for keeping to myself more than usual lately, but I also like to think I'm entitled to that. Look at me telling myself it's all ok, no matter what! Oh, well. We all know I'm a pretty open book. I'll get back in the groove somehow, sometime and be a better blogger. Ah... Someday.

No big surprise

2010-03-28T09:46:00.003-04:00

I suppose it was going to happen at some point. After living under the same roof as a family of four for nearly a year now, we've finally all managed to get the same germ. We have become experts at lining up illnesses one behind the other, but it's a whole new world to have four people sick at the same time. Not fun. I am counting my lucky stars, however, that this particular virus is not of the intestinal variety. I could go the rest of my life without *that* shared experience.

So, we'll be going off en masse to our respective doctors tomorrow. If I knew how to do it, I'd quickly buy stock in some pharmaceutical company, since I have a feeling that at least a couple of us will be on antibiotics by this time tomorrow.

All of this newfound germiness means a rare-these-days pajama day for us. We scored a trip to Ikea yesterday before the last of us fell, so Rob is being more industrious than I have the energy to be, constructing a new dresser for Max's expanding wardrobe. I'm trying to keep the boys out of the danger zone (not only are there tools and small parts in the vicinity, I have a feeling a few choice words will also fly before the project is complete.)

In other news, Sam is home for his first ever spring break this week. Since the holiday child care program was going to be more trouble than it seemed to be worth for us, I'm preparing for a week of childcare swaps and bribery in order to get my job done with him at home. We'll also be fitting in the annual Becker Passover seder and yet another visit with a state case manager to finalize details for Max's next round of therapy. We're fortunate that our daycare center is awesome and is going to let him have speech therapy there, so that we're not trying to manage a second afternoon therapy appointment each week.

My other huge task is to kick the Easter Bunny in gear this week. I probably should have had a word with Mr. Bunny while I was not shadowed by a precocious kindergartner, but Rob and I had back-to-back work trips, so eggs and cellophane grass just weren't on my radar.

Date Day!

2010-02-15T08:25:00.004-05:00

Last week was slooooow and busy all at the same time thanks to -- count them -- TWO blizzards. I actually can't recall the last time we had measurable snowfall twice in a single week let alone two bona fide blizzards. For the record, the news tells me we had 44.3 inches in five days. We're supposed to get another storm tonight, but I think this one is only bringing a couple of inches. I doubt the school districts will even blink. Thank goodness.

Having everyone home for most of the week made the week drag to some degree, but we were still frantically busy trying to keep the kids occupied and get ourselves and anyone else who needed us dug out from under the snow. And, of course, when you work from home and your office is technically in Atlanta, there is no such thing as a snow day. So I was trying to manage conference calls and all kinds of assignments while Rob managed the kids and finding stuff for them to do ALL DAY for TWO DAYS.

That's what convinces me that we earned today. Because of the Dec. 20 snow day that Sam got and Rob did not, Sam has school today. Rob and I both, though, have President's Day off, so we're having an official date day. It's an incredibly rare event that we have that much child care working in our favor... I literally can't recall the last time we went out alone just because we wanted to. Rob has a terrible cold. I have dentist appointment. Rob has several Relay volunteers calls to make. I have an assignment that I really need to focus on without the phone ringing. BUT... We're still going to lunch and movie, darn it. We will have fun today if it kills us!

MIA

2010-02-06T14:49:00.006-05:00

I haven't been MIA in general (Facebook will prove that) but I have been awfully neglectful of my dear blog. We've had a busy couple of months fraught with lots of change (at work) and illness (at home.) I've also been working on a new project that I'm totally excited about... Details on that to come.

I figured the best way to jump back into MommyMo is just to post my Project 365 layouts. That pretty much covers a good portion of the time I've been absent from this particular place. I'm pretty excited that I've yet to miss a day taking a photo. I have never been particularly inspired to do that (ahem...I've been scared of failure..ahem) but when I looked at photos at the end of the year and saw how MUCH the kids had changed, I suddenly wanted to capture a piece of every single day to see what it tells me at the end of 2010. The boys are both at ages that will bring lots of change, so it should be fun and rewarding to commit to P365.

Look how coordinated and organized it looks using this kit! I'm NEVER this organized, but am going to love this album at the end of the year, I'm sure. I you want to use the kit yourself, it's from the lovely Leora Sanford at Little Dreamer Designs.

A Whole Year

2009-12-18T07:09:00.003-05:00

As I sit here to type, Baby Max is sitting in the exact spot next to the Christmas tree, playing with his toys, that Sam was when this photo was taken. It's hard to believe that it's already been a whole year since we got the phone call that we'd waited so long for.

I still remember the weeks leading up to Dec. 18, 2008. I knew in my gut that we'd be matched any day, but I was frustrated beyond words to wait so long. I did NOT want to go through Christmas still wondering who my baby was... I was at a meeting in Atlanta for a couple of days that week, and sat with my phone in my lap the entire time, ready to bolt from the room when I saw a number from Trenton on the Caller ID. I was incredibly disappointed to board a flight back home, knowing that the phone call hadn't come. I got off the plane and didn't step 10 feet into the gate before I checked voicemail, only to hear that I had no new messages. It was at that point that I decided to mentally adjust to enjoying Christmas with Sam and Rob and to stop worrying about the phone.

I left the airport and went straight to pick Sam up from school. It was a bit early, but I figured a bit of Toys R Us therapy and some Mommy/Sam time would make us both happy. I was driving down Route 38 when my phone rang. Pretty sure it was Rob, I went to grab it, wishing he'd waited just a few more seconds so I was in the parking lot (not that he would have known that!) I glanced down and realized that the phone number was from the Trenton area. I nearly drove off the road trying to answer!

Murielle, our branch director, asked me if it was a good time to talk. When I said, "of course... any time is a good time for a call from Holt!" she advised me to pull over and get to someplace safe. My stomach was in knots and my heart was racing.

She said, "Are you ready?!.... ..... .... I have great news. You have a son!"

It honestly took me a minute to process what she'd said. I was about 80% sure we'd be matched with a girl the second time, but we'd been very specific about saying that we had no gender preference. We figured it was up to God to match us with our child.

Murielle went on to tell me how cute he was, how big he was and all about his chubby cheeks! I sat in my car, trying to keep Sam from climbing out of the car and wiping the tears from my eyes.

Oddly, Sam and I still went into Toys R Us. I called Kim right away (right after I called Rob and my mom, of course!) and told her and Ted the fabulous news. Rob and I met up at home to check out the photos that Murielle had emailed while we settled Sam in with a new garbage trucks video. We instantly fell in love with a chubby, perfect little boy that we knew was meant for our family.

Rob had a dance to chaperone that night, so I went to Friendly's for dinner with my mom and Sam. We spent the entire afternoon and evening trying to figure out a baby name. I'd be so focused on girls' names that our list wasn't ready enough for a boy!

The name we'd figured we'd use for a boy, Henry, just didn't seem to fit when we looked at the photo. We struggled a bit, Rob wondering why I HAD to have him named, and decided to keep thinking that evening. I felt like I'd waited so long to know who my baby was that I NEEDED to be able to call him by the name we'd give him. We settled on Maxwell Owen at dinner, and I called Rob at the dance to be sure we were sticking with it. (I went on to call him Henry for about three weeks... oops!)

And that is the story of how my perfect little baby became a Becker. Waiting for him was the longest year of my life, but this past year has actually been one of the shortest. It's hard to believe he's already been here seven months and will be 17 months old tomorrow. He is making great progress with his therapy and has blossomed into a sweet, gentle, curious little boy.

I'm asked often how Sam is doing with him...The answer is that he's without exaggeration the best big brother I could have hoped he'd be. He's incredibly kind to Max and is always thinking of how to make him happy. Max, in turn, thinks Sam is about the coolest thing ever. I hope their relationship is always some version of this... Their bond is a beautiful thing.

Family

2009-11-27T13:38:00.003-05:00

It's been a week since we legally and officially completed our family. I remembered how emotional Sam's finalization ceremony was for me, but I was (and am still) surprised at how significant is has felt to know that Max is ours forever.

Of course, I knew he was MY baby the minute I laid eyes on him. And I trusted that the process was working as it should, meaning (as I've explained to Sam) that God knows exactly which babies belong with which mommies and daddies... It doesn't matter how He brings you together. Forever families are just meant to be.

The court date was special this time, too, because we were given the opportunity to take place in National Adoption Day festivities. We were one of 32 families (and 37 children) being finalized on November 20, in Camden County. The wait to see the judge was long, but we passed the time with other families who were just as excited as we were. There was even one family adopting six siblings at once, and they were all dressed in purple, the youngest daughter's favorite color. It was adorable and almost overwhelming to witness. I was moved beyond words when I saw the family come of out of the courtoom. The dad was practically turning cartwheels down the hall! It's hard to imagine how big their hearts must be. It was clear that they were all very lucky, and happy, to have each other forever.

In the days since Max's finalization, I've stopped more times than I can count to just look and him and think about what it means to be forever linked together. I feel blessed beyond description to have the family that I do. While I will never forget the pain and emotional turmoil trying to have a family caused us, it was worth every single tear and sleepless night along the way to end up where we did. We have the everyday struggles that any family does, but I think that's what makes it so special. It was the run-of-the-mill that I wanted. I never wanted anything more than anyone else does... I just wanted children to love and raise with the knowledge that they are the center of their parents' universe. And that's just what I got.

Sam has definitely thought lately about what adoption means and he seems to have a very healthy grasp of it. He accepts without pretense that he didn't grow inside his mommy and that other mommies have also been a part of his life. He pretty much talks about adoption just like he talks about the fact that the sky is blue and the grass is green. It's just a regular part of his life. The fact that Rob and I talk about how happy we are about it is just part of our family culture to him. It doesn't seem "special" to him and I think that's a very good thing.

In fact, adoption is so "regular" to him that when he asked if the new family next door had kids for him to play with and I said "no, they don't have children yet, he replied, "Oh... They still need to adopt theirs?"

He does, however, notice that we do look different from one another at this point. We explored this issue a bit yesterday. He told me that I don't look like him. When I asked in what way he meant, he said, "Well, your skin is kind of light and red. You should probably put it in the light more so that it can be brown like mine."

I asked how else we were different. He said, "Mommy, you're not Korean."

His explanation? "You don't wear glasses like me and you like to wear slippers on your feet. I like to have bare feet." I had no idea that those were the criteria for being Korean!

Our week of family festivities wrapped up with a truly great Thanksgiving yesterday. We had a smaller than usual gathering, but it was really a lot of fun. We just hung out, ate way too much food, and then laughed and talked and played games until it was time for bed. It was a perfect family day.

It's been a while

2009-11-17T12:47:00.002-05:00

I have had a busy few month or so, and find myself not blogging like I'd like to when things are either crazy or not-so-great. The last couple of months have been both, for various reasons, but I miss just spilling my guts on occasion, so I'm not going anywhere.

I won't recap the last few months in detail, but they go something like this: new job, work stress, ear infections, school adjustment, travel, grad school balance, more paperwork. Does ANY of that sound exciting? Lest you say the travel would be nice, it was all for work...

I did just return from a few days in North Carolina where we filmed another episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. The nice people at ABC rebuilt the house of a Relayer who desperately needed it. The family comes home today. I'm sure they will be thrilled! I'll keep you posted on an air date. Since the Relay we did was held in the midst of Hurricane Ida, you'll be hard pressed to pick me out of the masses of people wearing tacky navy blue rain gear purchased from Walmart.

Despite all of the stress of late, this past week has been a big blessing for our family. We baptized Max on Sunday, and the service was everything I'd hoped it would be. We are very blessed to attend a church that makes each baptism such a special and personal experience.

We're also finalizing Max's adoption on Friday. It's an even bigger relief this time than it was with Sam, probably because I know now we'll never have to do all of this hoop jumping again. We can just settle in as a family of four FOREVER! It's a formality to say that this is what Max a Becker, but it's still a very emotional time for us. We're also very proud that he'll soon be an American citizen. I promise to post pictures more than six weeks after the fact.

Conversation on the way to school

2009-09-25T07:48:00.002-04:00

For the past few days, our family has been praying for the family of a little boy named Seth, who was adopted from Korea through the same adoption agency we used. We have gotten to know Seth and his parents, Liz and Scott, through the many functions that Holt adoptive families have hosted over the years. Liz is quite possibly the friendliest person ever born, and always makes sure to make us feel comfortable and welcome. For that reason, she was the very first person we ever met through Holt and we have stayed in touch for a long time.

We learned on Tuesday evening that Liz, Scott and Seth were in a horrible car accident on Sunday night. Sweet little Seth passed away and his mother is still critical and unaware that her son is gone. Scott is recovering at the hospital and forced to deal with this awful new reality alone at the moment (though I'm hearing many friends and family have been to see him...)

As we were driving to school today, the song "Jesus Take the Wheel" came on. There's a line in there about praying and Sam piped up and asked what "she" was praying for. We had a quick discussion about how you can really pray for anything... that's it's a way for you to talk to God no matter how you're feeling.

He replied, "I remember, Mommy. I've been praying for Seth and his family just like we talked about."

I started crying all over again, but was also so proud that my sweet little guy understands that prayer can bring comfort to people that you can't be with in a time of need.

Sam went on to say that he still prays for Ellie, the dog we lost a couple of years ago. I told him that was wonderful, and reminded him that you can pray for people that are still with you, too.

He said, "Right. Like firefighters."

I said, "Sure. We pray to keep them safe because their job is dangerous and to tell God we are thankful that they take care of us."

He said. "Well, I ask God to help them not be sweaty. It's hot in a fire."

Nothing like a little levity, even if it was not intentional!

Seeing clearly

2009-09-20T07:57:00.002-04:00

Sam had his five-year-old check-up on Friday. Thanks to several factors over the years, we are more on a mid-way-through-the-year plan for his well visits...

It's now Sunday morning and I'm fairly sure I've still got a hearing loss as a result of this visit. I told Sam in the morning that I'd be picking him up from school early so he could go see the doctor. He immediately asked if he'd be getting any shots. I told him that I wasn't sure. He seemed to take it in stride.

We arrived at the office, and he asked the receptionist if he'd be getting any shots. She said she didn't know. Again, fine with him.

We get into the exam room, and he asks the nurse if he'd be getting any shots. She at first said she didn't know. Then, after his eye exam and blood pressure reading, he asked again. At that point, she reviewed his papers and saw that he was up to date, but had not had a flu shot yet. When I nodded that I did want him to have it, the freaking out began.

He screamed for about an hour "I DON'T WANT A SHOT. I DON'T WANT A SHOT. TAKE ME HOME. TAKE ME HOME NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW, MOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMY!"

It took the doctor a while to come in and finish the visit, for which we were able to have no meaningful conversation, despite the fact that he'd been evaluated for ADHD since we were last there. The nice man took pity on me and just covered the basics, I think.

I did learn that he's grown two inches in the last year and gained four pounds. He's a whopping 37 pounds when dressed now!

I was also quite surprised to see that he failed his vision exam. I never would have guessed that would happen, but I stood there and watched as he consistently confused a circle shape with house and heart shapes. I came home and made an appointment with a pediatric opthalmologist and am guessing we'll end up needing to get him glasses.

The funny part is that his Daddy has terrible vision. If his glasses come anywhere near my face, they give me an instant headache. Sam keeps grabbing them and putting them on. I yell at Rob to not allow that since it's got to be bad for Sam's eyes. Now I'm guessing that they aren't nearly as annoying to Sam as they are to me since he actually needs some help with his vision.

That same afternoon I tried to make an endocrinologist appointment for Rob. A very short version of the current situation is that Rob's experiencing some unusual symptoms related to his thyroid, the likes of which we have not seen since he was diagnosed with cancer 12 years ago. Our family doctor has determined that a good endocrinologist needs to assess him. I, of course, am a little concerned, as is Rob. We're obviously hopeful that nothing major will come of this, but it's scary nonetheless.

Lucky for us, there is a gigantic perk in working for the American Cancer Society in that when I expressed a bit of concern to my boss, I was quickly ushered to the deputy chief medical officer, who completely assessed Rob's symptoms and history and was able to placate me, saying that he was fairly sure there's not a recurrence, but still an endocrine issue that needs addressing. He strongly recommended we see a doctor at Johns Hopkins who is known as the best thryoid cancer expert in the world right now. I called the next day and learned that what we thought was good health insurance isn't recognized by that health system. We still think it's important to get checked out by this doctor, so are going to fork over an obscene amount of money for a consult.

I follow the health care reform debate very closely and recognize that there are many factors involved in what people see as the best plan. I consistently analyze what I'm hearing and still believe that it's a basic human right to have health care, particularly if you live in a country where it is so readily available. I also agree with my pastor who makes the point that Christians are directed to love their neighbors as they love themselves. Ensuring that your neighbor, no matter their financial status, can access health care is a clear example of that directive.

I could not stop thinking of those without insurance or financial resources as I made Rob's appointment. We might as well not have insurance in this case. Luckily, we are able to scrap and sacrifice to afford the consult. Many people might not be so lucky. They might be able to call this fantastic doctor, only to learn that the very best in the field in within their sight, but cannot help them with an issue like a cancer scare (or worse) because they cannot afford to pay for the visit.

I do not believe that is right.

I have been pondering exactly how I want to change the world in the name of little Anna, who so beautifully changed the world in her short 80 days on this Earth. I am coming to the conclusion that I need to find a way to be more actively involved in helping people get health care. I will continue to be involved in the advocacy side of this, but I want to find a way to more practically provide help as well.

Whirlwind

2009-09-15T07:10:00.002-04:00

I can't believe I haven't blogged lately given all that's going on.

Sam started kindergarten. The last big transition of the season that I'd been anticipating went quite well. Sam was eager to get to school on his first day. He bounced out of bed, tore through his breakfast, gladly hauled his heavy backpack and raced down the street to ride together with his friend Adam. He was excited that he got to play on the big kid playground before going inside... And then he saw the fifth graders.

These children are clearly not bred from the same stock as my child. Some were as tall as me! Sam took no notice at first, but when it came time to line up and he saw that these giant creatures were going the same place he was, he buried his head in my side and grabbed my hand.

I'd been holding myself together really well until that point. Since he'd already been going to daycare, I wasn't figuring I'd be one of the weepy moms at the point of departure. But when he grabbed me and I asked what was wrong, he replied, "Mommy. I think I might be a little nervous." And he looked at me with really wide, worried eyes. There wasn't much time for reassurance before his teacher whisked the kids away to go inside.

That's when I welled up. When most everyone else had composed themselves, I had huge tears in my eyes, all worried that every bit of gumption my kid had been blessed with was failing him when he needed it most. Luckily, I caught a glimpse of him as he was about to go inside, and he was already three inches from another child's face, surely asking "Do you want to be my friend?" in his sweet, innocent and overly enthusiastic way (that has been known to slightly frighten less outgoing youngsters.)

He came home that day acting like a teenager, unwilling to tell us what went on and claiming that school was "boring." He's since recanted that, but does complain that "they make us WORK there." Asked what that means, he says "we have to talk to each other. And write. And read stuff." All of this is clearly standing in the way of good recess time.

Max, too, has adjusted beautifully to daycare. He's done better than I ever would have expected. Yesterday was his eighth drop-off and he didn't shed a single tear. Nary a whimper. Just a look over at me, and then a glance back at the goldfish sitting in front of him. It does make my day easier to know he likes it there.

The big news from yesterday is that Max had his early intervention evaluation and definitely qualifies for services. What I'd suspected turned out to be true. He has very low muscle tone, but thankfully, nothing neurological or cognitive that we need to deal with. He just needs some baby Pilates, apparently!

We do have to start him in physical therapy and practice quite a few new techniques at home to that build up his core strength. At 14 months old (12 gestationally) he was determined to have the gross motor skills of a seven month old, the fine motor skills of an eight month old and delayed adaptive skills. All of them stem from his low tone, so he should catch up quickly once the therapy starts. I'm actually really relieved to know that this will be easily overcome. We, of course, would love him no matter what forever and always, but I think any parent would be relieved to learn that any significant challenges will not come to fruition. At least not these challenges...

I have, unfortunately, known and heard of several people lately to lose their precious infant children. I think of these families daily, and have definitely learned a great deal about cherishing each and every day, no matter what that day might bring. I've even taken on a particular challenge to find a new way to change the world in memory of little Anna. I am determined to find a significant response to that challenge.

I suppose I should get this day underway. We all have school/work, then Max's final post-placement visit (finalization is within reach now. YAY!) and the first of the pre-marriage classes Rob and I teach at church tonight.

Holding my breath

2009-09-02T08:12:00.002-04:00

It dawned on me this morning that I have been walking around almost literally holding my breath for days now... It's a wonder I don't have fabulous abdominal muscles to show for it. Wait. I probably do. They're just "hidden."

Seriously, though. I will admit that I have a tendency to worry (you can enter your votes for my understatement-of-the-year prize now, thank you.) But I can't believe how many "big" things I have going on in my pea brain right now.

First, I'm a wee bit nervous that yesterday was a weird honeymoon thing and that Max will have a bad day again today. I'm slightly more comforted than I was 24 hours ago, but when we took him in today (we decided to take him in and pick him up together all week) he looked at me as if to say "Wait. I was ok with this little diversion yesterday, but WHAT do you MEAN you're leaving me here again?!" Miss Judy did seem to have him calm before we ever left the building, though.

Second, Sam will have his own huge adjustment to make next week. I just hope his teachers see him for the sweet, smart little guy he is, even if his energy level takes some getting used to. I also hope he won't get too frustrated trying to learn all kinds of new things in a new place. Again, I can find some comfort in a comment from his pre-K teacher. She told us that of all the students she's had over the years, Sam will be one of those she remembers forever. She described him as one of the sweetest children she's ever had. That's SO nice to hear!

Third, work is um, stressful to say the very least. I love my job, but like anyone else, the news of layoffs all around you leaves you a little nervous. I'm staying positive, but it's a *constant* source of conversation whenever I talk to anyone from the office.

Finally, there's a great deal of emotion and stress with a few family issues right now that has me sad and yes, worried, for sure. It doesn't really feel like something to discuss "out loud" at length, but I can't help but think about it on a very regular basis.

All of this leaves me thinking a few things. First, I have to remember that so far we've been blessed that all problems do work themselves out. Second, I have to swallow the bitter mommy pill... the one that tells you that your kids really are fine on their own to some degree and that it's good for them to learn to do things without you holding their little hands. I'm speaking more of Sam here... and I am constantly reminding myself that he's a spunky little boy who can find happiness no matter what. Finally, I really do need to commit myself to what I *can* do to keep unnecessary and pointless worry to a minimum. I'm going to do my best to channel my energy into getting recommitted to eating right and exercising every day. It takes a lot of planning for me to follow the right plan in that regard, so that should leave little time for me to fret!

Phil 4:13...........I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Max's Day

2009-09-01T18:54:00.003-04:00

If you'd paid me yesterday to believe that Max would have a fabulous first day at daycare, I would have laughed at you (even though I know how rude that is) and turned away.

Well... Score one for Max's ability to surprise his mommy. I called daycare around 9:45 this morning for an update and was dismayed to hear "Umma... MaMA... MAMA... MAMAMAMAMA" in the background. That's code for "I'm miserable and want the heck out of here right this very instant." Surprisingly, the teacher said he'd actually been pretty good, but that he cried on and off.

Honestly, I wasn't totally convinced, but since I *wanted* to believe he was adjusting, I chose to believe it. She said that he just happened to cry as I called. Sure, lady. Likely story.

I was waiting to jump in the car as Rob came home so we could pick Max up together today. I darted in the door, holding my breath. First alarming issue: I didn't see Max anywhere and the nice young lady working in the room seemed to not know who we were. She quickly figured it out and told us he was outside on the swings and "He had a GREAT day." Again... Sure, lady. A minute ago you didn't recognize me. You probably don't even realize which kid is mine. He'd be the one who blubbered and hiccuped his way through the day, desperate for his mommy to return.

So... I get out the back door and find someone cradling Max and headed back toward the building. "See?" I thought. "He's STILL crying and needs to be brought inside to calm down."

WRONG.

He'd fallen asleep on the swings and was being brought inside to be laid down for a little extra nap time. (Turns out it was to be laid down for any nap, since he never really slept...)

The nice lady carrying him inside was effusive about what a great day he had. And get this: once he woke up and saw us, he just smiled and smiled and gestured toward the teacher as if to say "Hey, Mom and Dad. Check out this lovely woman who's been taking care of me today. She's nice. I will be happy to come back here every day while you work. Please stop worrying about me."

I was seriously almost giddy. I'm sure I walked around the school with a giant cheesy smile on my face. I am still slightly in shock that he did so well. I mean, I know he's a genius and has been through other trauma, but I fully expected the adjustment to take more than two hours. Even his gregarious older brother required more time to get used to life at Laurel Tree Academy.

So... here's hoping tomorrow goes so well. Seeing the little munchkin so happy is quite possibly the best answer to prayer I've had in a while. I guess I can move on to worrying about Sam's adjustment to kindergarten now.

Our Big Day

2009-09-01T08:30:00.002-04:00

The day I've been dreading finally arrived. Max started daycare this morning.

I am very grateful that timing and my employer allowed him to be home with one of us since he arrived over four months ago, but it was still hard to leave him with someone else. I know he'll eventually be fine, but knowing him as well as I do now, I also have no doubt today will NOT be a happy day for him.

It breaks my heart to think he could be wondering whether or not we'll be back. After all, he has experienced that kind of profound loss before. We did prepare as best we could. Rob was stopping in the Chickadees room (how cute is THAT?!) to visit Miss Judy every day when Sam was in camp. It's not like Max has never seen the school or the teachers or even the other kids...

When we brought him in today, he was actually smiling and giggling while we were still there, a sure sign he recognizes the environment and even kind of likes it. He didn't seem to realize we'd be leaving, so it took him a few seconds after our staggered exit to start to cry. I'm splitting hairs when I say this, but I think he was slightly less traumatized than he is when we leave him at church (where he doesn't know the very nice people who watch him as well.)

It's taking every shred of self discipline I have not to start calling to check on him now. I figure it would be better to let him settle in and let the teachers focus on him rather than our phone calls. They told us he'd be watching a Baby Einstein video, having story time, singing songs and playing outside all before lunchtime at 11:30 a.m. After that, he'll go down for a nap, then some more play time before we get him the instant Rob is done at school at 3 p.m.

I keep telling myself that each day that we come back to get him reinforces that we always will and that he can relax and have fun. I hope it doesn't take too long, but at least I have Sam's experience at the school to tell me that he'll be loved and well cared for. Miss Judy is really one of the sweetest people I've ever met, so I have no doubt that she will dote on him. She'd already picked him up to soothe him as we were leaving, which wasn't the case when Sam first started. (He was in an "older" room and they had a more matter-of-fact approach.)

I'll check back in later to report how the day went. Let's hope I can immerse myself in all of the various edits I need to make to Relay materials today in order to keep my mind occupied. I'm treating myself by working downstairs where I can have CNN on all day. I so miss getting nonstop news when I'm upstairs. Now that the house is empty, I can at least feed my news habit while I wait for the boys to come home.

It's been a while...

2009-08-23T14:41:00.003-04:00

I know it's been a long time since I've updated here. I don't quite know why there are days when blogging seems easy, and others when it's seems like some huge task. It's not. I just think there has been enough going on at home and at work that I'm preoccupied most of the time. And I don't exactly feel like coming here to rehash the mundane and not-so-fun parts of my life. I really like my blog to be about memorable stuff with the kids... And those things still happen, so I really need to make it a point to focus on what's "right", and blog about it, more! (Thanks to everyone who has nudged me lately to keep up!)

I could attempt to review what's been going on since I was last here, but that might take a while. It's probably best to just re-start without too much looking back. In short, we did still end up being able to celebrate Max's first birthday (he chose pencils and rice from his Tol table), we took our first vacation as a family of four to Skaneateles and we welcomed our beautiful new niece Makalya to the world.

Oh, yeah. I went back to work, too. I think I might have said that before. If you're considering a leave from your job anytime soon... try not to come back at a time when the economy has your entire industry in turmoil. It's really not that fun. When you boil down what I do, I really have one of the most rewarding and happy jobs you could have if you're going to fight cancer for a living. Even that is dampened, though, when philanthropy is suffering like it is now. That's not just another post, though, I think that's a whole different blog, so I'll leave that subject alone here.

It definitely feels like fall is right around the corner. Not necessarily when you go outside (where it still TOTALLY feels like August) but when you consider our days are now spent filling out about a million forms for the various school programs both Sam and Max will be in, buying the vast amount of supplies kindergarteners need, and organizing clothes in the vain hope that it will cool off at some point. Oh, and football is starting. Rob's got his fantasy draft this afternoon... a sure sign that summer is ending in our world. (As someone who is admittedly not a big sports fan, I don't particularly enjoy the time of year when both baseball AND football are happening simultaneously!)

So... there it is. A real post. Finally. I sometimes get motivated while writing to think that I should try to do this every day. I quickly realize, though, that not even *I* could stomach reading about my own life that often. I'll spare anyone who reads this that misery but promise (again) to do a better job of keeping up!

Birthday Fail

2009-07-18T16:33:00.002-04:00

For years I've dreamed about the fun first birthday parties I'd have for my kids. Attempt number one was foiled when Sam's travel didn't come through in time for him to be home with us. I distinctly remember moping around the house and office that day, feeling sorry for all of us that we couldn't be together the day he turned one. I recall especially whining that it seemed unfair (irrationally so, I know) that we missed his birth (for obvious reasons) and then couldn't even be with him on his first birthday. We certainly celebrated after he came home and his foster family did have a Tol celebration for him, but I was always a little disappointed to have missed a milestone that is so universally celebrated.

When we started the process for a second child and opted to enter the "regular program" this time, I was happy to know that we'd at least have #2 home for his or her first birthday. It was probably only days after we were matched with Max, then, that I started mentally planning what we'd do for his big day. I figured out very early on that not only would we be together, but that the day fell on a Sunday, so we'd be able to celebrate with everyone on the actual day. A small thing perhaps, but it was really important to me.

Well... obstacle number one came when we realized that a big party just wasn't "right" for our shy little guy. He's definitely still adjusting and crowds tend to unnerve him a bit. That one didn't upset me too much. We can still celebrate the big day with a smaller group of people.

I have spent several weeks figuring out the details of this party. I am not much of a cook, but was particularly excited to try cooking Korean food for the first time. I was also totally looking forward to setting up his Tol table. I'd decided exactly how I was going to set up the table and the toljabee ceremony...

A few days ago, Rob remarked that he thought Baby Max had gotten two pimples on his face. I checked them out and said that I didn't know what they were for sure, but that they didn't look like baby acne to me. I figured it would be odd for him to suddenly develop that and since he has eczema, I didn't really worry too much. We already use a ton of potions and lotions to take extra special care of his skin.

Yesterday morning Rob was the first to greet Max in the morning and I heard him say... "Uhhhhhh... Karen?? You might want to come here. I think Max has chicken pox."

I told him that he was being ridiculous. I was instantly in denial that the poor little guy had developed chicken pox after being vaccinated. After all, Sam had also gotten a few pox after the vaccine. I was told that it was so rare that I could not imagine that both of my kids would end up in the same boat.

Well, genius that I am, it took me a few more minutes to do mental math. He probably didn't get chicken pox from the vaccine. He got it from ME since I'd had shingles. That was the real reason he's already been vaccinated early.

I did what every panicky mom would do. I called the most experienced mom I know before the doctor's office opened to verify my fears, then made the call right at 9 a.m.

So... Rather than running around like a loony trying to get my kid's party ready or attending my nephew's fourth birthday party, I'm sitting at home with a whiny baby and whining myself about the whole situation. While Max isn't terribly miserable or covered in the rash, he's still contagious and we can't risk making my pregnant sister-in-law sick. I also don't think the little guy will fully enjoy the festivities in his current condition. His sore throat has not made eating fun, so I can't even imagine he'd want birthday cake. And it's just not right for a kid not to get to make a mess of his cake on his first birthday!

We'll certainly still do something at home tomorrow with Max so that we don't skip his birthday all together, and we've already rescheduled his party for next weekend. I just hope that it only takes that long to get over my SERIOUS case of mommy guilt. It's bad enough to have made my own child sick... I need to let go of the fact that it's interfered with his first birthday party, too!

First Day Back

2009-07-13T18:43:00.003-04:00

Well... the fun had to end sometime. I went back to work full-time today. I can't really complain. I love my job AND get to do it from home, so it's not like I was far from Baby Max, even when I was tethered to my desk. All in all, it was a good first day back. I got to hear the voices of friends I'd missed and was warmly welcomed... I assume most of that is relief that I'll be taking over some of the projects that had been handed off, but for today we'll assume it was all about how much my sparkling personality was missed around the virtual hallways of the American Cancer Society.

The best and worst part of the day came at lunchtime. I ran downstairs between conference calls to find Rob and Max having lunch. Max lit up like the Fourth of July when he saw me. It was the cutest thing EVER, but heartbreaking, too. He kept touching my face as if to say "It's been so LONG, Mommy. Thank goodness you're finally BACK." Poor kid wasn't too happy 12 minutes later when I had to run back up to the office. I will try to take at least a little bit better lunch break going forward... I know 12 minutes isn't exactly healthy for anyone, but there was a lot to do on the first day back after three months, especially considering I left at the height of the fundraising season. Sorry again to all of my coworkers who thankfully never once made a peep about my ill-timed departure. They all smiled and wished me well and did a TON of work that wouldn't normally be theirs to do.

Sam also had his first day of camp today. He told us we ruined his day by coming to pick him up at 3 p.m. Apparently he needed more time out with his friends instead of home with his boring parents. He got his wish since he went three doors down to play the minute he got home, and came back to find another friend waiting to play for another hour.

We got Sam's kindergarten assignment in the mail this weekend. He's going to be in morning kindergarten with a teacher who's apparently been well-loved at Thomas Paine Elementary for more than twenty years. He's already excited to go. We picked out his backpack and lunchbox online this weekend. He can't wait to "look like a big kid."

I will sign off with this (relatively for me) short post. I have stuff to look up in order to be ready for Max's first birthday and Korean toljabee celebration this weekend. I've found recipes for bulgogi and jap chae that I'm going to try to make as well as a Korean cucumber salad. We'll pair that with burgers and hot dogs for the less adventurous members of the family. I'm also going to dive in to the construction of some of the intricate towers that decorate the Tol table. I've been planning to do this for our second child for years (Sam was still in Korea on his first birthday) so you'd think I'd be more organized by now. Not so much.

MIA

2009-06-24T16:09:00.004-04:00

A friend on one of my creative team forums asked me earlier this week how Max is doing, noting that I hadn't been updating my status much lately on Facebook. I explained that it's felt inappropriate to share fun, silly stories in the last few weeks... Suffice it to say that there has been enough going on that I now have shingles to show for it. The stress that I've apparently been sublimating is mostly outside the four walls of our own house, so it doesn't seem like my news to share. Cryptic, huh?! We'll be ok, though.

As for the shingles: OUCH. I had this once last year. It wasn't fun, but I chalked the experience up to what I've been told by my doctors is a high pain threshold and dealt with back pain for a few days. As one of my doctors has noted, for a girl who will never experience the pain of childbirth, I've managed to experience most of the handful of other things that can be said to be more painful (exploding pregnancy and a kidney stone among them.) Well, none of these things were ever SO painful that I cried (ok, so I went into shock with one... whatever.) Shingles have caused such intense pain that I've just stood in my own house and cried without warning. Not one. Not twice. Three times. AND, the doctor tells me that I'm probably still quite a few days out from the end of this little experience. The silver lining to all of this is that the drug I'm taking for itching is also a happy pill, so if I can get in just the right position in bed after taking said pill, I can just not care what's going on around me.

Ok. Enough whining. Other good things have happened in our lives, as always. Despite all the trauma and drama of late, you can't live with my two kids and not feel happy and blessed most of the time.

Our biggest news? Sam is officially a kindergartener now. He graduated from Pre-K, cap and gown and all. If you have never seen a 33 lb. child in a cap and gown, you have not seen cuteness I tell you. To our pleasant surprise, Sam stood still for most of the program and sang that songs almost perfectly. It was adorable. And, yes, I was one of the mommies that cried when it hit me that he's really growing up. He's definitely not a baby anymore.

Sam has been singing the songs from the graduation program nearly every waking minute since the ceremony took place. I think the kids were told not to sing them at home so they'd be a surprise for the parents. He didn't abide by that too closely, but we did hear some "new" songs during the ceremony. If you are feeling particularly patriotic anytime soon, feel free to stop by our house. You will inevitably catch Sam singing "America the Beautiful" at the top. of. his. lungs.

We also celebrated our fourth Airplane/Family/Gotcha Day with Sam. It was fun to see him understand the significance of the day this time. As usual, we watched "his movie" and just had some dedicated family time. And cake. The girl in the bakery looked at me like I had horns on my head when I requested "Happy Airplane Day" on the cake. Sam attempted to explain by showing her the plane on his shirt that day, but she didn't see the connection.

Max is continuing to adjust really well, too. His sleeping is by no means perfect, but just about every other part of his overall adjustment seems to have fallen into place. Once Rob is able to be home more consistently with him (the aforementioned "issues" have been keeping Rob on the go non-stop for a good portion of the time Max has been home with us) I think he'll even sleep pretty reliably. He's not the champion sleeper than Sam is, but I knew we couldn't possibly get that lucky twice. I'd also always vowed that I'd trade some of the sleeping skill Sam has for a bit of cooperation when it comes to food. I seem to be getting that wish granted with Max. I sure hope it sticks. Sam is five years old and still has the culinary repertoire of a toddler.

I should probably include here for posterity a photo of the lovely faux burgers we made for Father's Day this year. It took Kim and I about six hours with two kids in the house to construct these, but Rob's admiration of our creativity was worth every second.

My Eight

2009-06-04T20:57:00.002-04:00

And no, that's not a reference to Jon and Kate +8. My other post was so serious today that I was happy to see myself tagged by Melissa to do this fun list...

8 Things I'm Looking Forward To
1. Our first vacation (to Skaneateles) as a family of four (thanks to Wendy!)
2. The possibility of a certain family moving VERY nearby
3. The day when Max has a real sleep schedule
4. Rob being off from school for the summer
5. Taking Sam and Max to Korea for a visit (totally stole this one from Melissa)
6. So You Think You Can Dance
7. Getting another dog (someday)
8. Relay For Life this weekend

8 Things I Did Yesterday
1. Went to a meeting about Sam's kindergarten after-care program
2. Sang the Itsy Bitsy Spider song about 50 times
3. Visited John at the farm
4. Learned that Sam will be learning Mandarin next year
5. Yelled at the dog for eating diaper cream. Again.
6. Stayed up too late watching So You Think You Can Dance
7. Scrapped
8. Switched over Max's wardrobe for summer

8 Things I Wish I Could Do
1. Sing
2. Stay organized
3. Sleep for an entire night without being woken up by screams or the phone
4. Cook better
5. Get another dog
6. Heli-hike in Banff
7. Stay healthy forever
8. Trade my Sienna for a Prius

8 Shows I Watch
1. So You Think You Can Dance
2. American Idol
3. Good Morning America
4. Desperate Housewives
5. Grey's Anatomy
6. The Rachel Maddow Show
7. Project Runway
8. The Daily Show

I'll tag: Kim, Kate, Kelli, Nicole, Shelley, and Jeff (you can use FB if you don't blog!)

A moment

2009-06-04T13:03:00.003-04:00

I had a moment this morning, home with Max as usual, that keeps replaying itself. Actually, I think I've been emotionally working up to this point for some time without really trying.

I will preface the moment story by saying that I'm a bit tired, to put it mildly. I don't want to complain, because I come by this fatigue for good reason as well as reasons that are beyond my control (weeks of adjustment to a new baby in the house as well as more than one extended family crisis that demands daily attention from all of us...) I tend to be more emotional when I'm tired, but if that's the reason, I'm glad I didn't sleep last night...

Anyway, I was changing Max's diaper for the third time in three hours. As usual, I took the opportunity to help him "exercise" his legs and stomach muscles a bit by laying him down and only slightly helping him get back up (He's finally starting to do it on his own. Yay!) At one point, I pulled him back up, and rather than giggle with pride as he usually does, he just stopped and stared into my eyes. He had a free hand, and reached out for me. I knew he was asking to be picked up, so I pulled him onto my lap when he put his hand on my cheek, stared into my eyes, and then laid his head on my shoulder.

None of those things are necessarily all that significant, I suppose, but to me, I could just *feel* him thinking that he's happy. Of course, I want him to feel that way, so I'd probably not look further for a "reason" for those actions, but watching that thought cross his little brain and through his eyes just sent me into a totally emotional place. As an adoptive parent, we work so hard to help our babies attach to their new families. At times, it feels like a calculated process. For instance, I hold him in a specific way when putting him to sleep to force/encourage good eye contact. I am very specific about stroking his face and cuddling him, all while telling him that we love him and are so happy he's here every single time I am in the rocking chair with him.

Those kinds of actions are heartfelt for sure, but there's always a part of me thinking about what I need to do to reassure him.. to convince him... that we love him completely and that it's ok to trust us.

His display of his own emotion today caught me off guard and gave me such a comforting sense of accomplishment and calm. All at once, I thought: Wow. It's really working. He loves us, too. I sort of feel like I can stop worrying a bit about the "process" and just be his mommy now. That's not to say that I won't keep doing what I'm doing, but I instantly felt more relaxed about it all.

This comes on the heels of another revelation I had while watching Rob hold Max the other day. We often tell him (and have always told Sam) that we "feel so lucky to have found each other." It's our version of regularly expressing gratitude and reverence for their existence in our lives. Because of how our family has been created, we try to never take for granted all of the spiritual, cosmic things that have taken place to bring us together.

With Sam, we've had an amazing story to tell about seeing his picture online and falling in love with him before even knowing if we'd be allowed to pursue his adoption. The timing of his story in relation to pregnancies lost as well as other circumstances as we started the adoption process have always seemed too incredible for words. If anyone ever doubts that a family is meant to be together, I think Sam's "story" proves that no matter how a child comes to you, the ones meant for you (and the parents meant for them) end up together.

I've said since before we were matched with Max that I wasn't sure how I'd feel going through the "regular" process. To some degree, I felt like we were "waiting in line" for our baby. I am a spiritual person and trusted God's role, but it just didn't feel the same in the early stages.

As I watched Rob and Max together the other day, I realized that the "regular" process is a miracle in and of itself. You are forced to sit back and trust people and forces completely outside your control (and literally foreign to you) to determine the fate of your family. I thought about that, looked at Max, and marveled at how he could not be any more perfect for us. We had mistakenly assumed that we'd more than likely be matched with a girl... I looked at my sweet, calm little baby and heard my rambunctious five-year-old down in the basement. I stopped and thought about the kind, gentle soul that their Daddy is and, all at once, felt complete.

I'm Type A and like to be in control... No one that knows me would doubt that. But one of the many miracles adoption and my own children have shown me is that with a little faith, my life will turn out exactly as it should, even if I don't realize it while it's happening. I've always thought and planned to have two children, but wondered if I wouldn't feel that "hole" I've heard people talk about. Last Saturday, I specifically looked for it and felt confirmation that our family is complete. It's a feeling I can't describe, but even as hard as these last few weeks have been for many reasons, I am calm and I am happy.

Seeing Max look at me as if trying to tell me that he's happy, too, was the ribbon on the grand gift we've been given. Today, all of a sudden, on a regular day in my life, I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and it's an amazing feeling.

(I just breathed a nice big sigh. It feels good to get the words out when I'm feeling such strong emotion, even if it's a lot to share with other people. If anyone has ever wondered why I choose to make public this kind of thing, it's because a) I want to capture these emotions for my kids to read some day and this is an easy way to do it, but more importantly b) I was scared that I might never have a family at one point in my life. If someone reads my somewhat private thoughts and can hold on to whatever it is they are waiting for for another day, I will feel like in some teeny way, I've been able to "repay" something for all of our many blessings.)

Time Flies

2009-05-25T15:00:00.004-04:00

It's hard to believe that my first baby is already five years old. With a new baby in the house, I've been reminded of Sam as a little toddler so much that it occasionally takes me aback when I look at him and realize that he's definitely NOT a baby anymore. Not in any way.

Case in point: I commented to my now five-year-old son the other day that he was "so cute." He replied, "Mom. I'm not cute. I'm awesome." In case you're wondering, he's also not handsome. He's cool. And cheek pinching is no longer allowed. That activity is strictly for Baby Max these days.

We celebrated Sam's fifth birthday with all of his school friends, his cousins and friends from church at Bounce U. You have not seen mayhem until you've seen 27 children and quite a few of their parents bouncing around on two-story slides. It was so loud and so fun for Sam. I think he'll be talking about it for months. It was at this party, too, that I realized that while still a virtual bundle of energy, Sam is not necessarily THE most hyper child I know. I saw several others that brought new meaning to the word "rambunctious." It's all good when it's at Bounce U, where that level of noise and activity is encouraged. I can't imagine how certain parents deal with it at their houses!

We asked Sam before Bounce U what he wanted to do for a special birthday dinner. Incredibly adventurous eater that he is, he wanted to go to Chik Fil-A. Since they're closed on Sundays, we went right after Bounce U. He and Ethan still had energy for the playroom there, and were quite happy to have dinner at their own table. I had a flash whilst they sat eating on their own, with their own little conversation going, of the two of them ten years from now, happy still to be at a separate table from their parents.

On his "actual birthday" (which he was quite aware of, mind you) we took him to Toys R Us to let him pick out a bike. It was a big surprise for him until we got there. We kept telling him we had a surprise outing, but didn't say what it was all day. As soon as we got on the right road, he started shouting "I know!! I know!! We're going to Toys R Us." Good guess, particularly since he'd said earlier that he thought his special gift was a "one-legged ostrich just for me."

Once in Toys R Us, we walked around, telling him that we were there to get him a Barbie chair or a Blue's Clues sandbox or some other toy. He just kept rolling his eyes, humoring us until we unveiled the "real" present. He was totally excited when we finally arrived at the bike section and he got to choose a red Hot Wheels "big kid bike" that makes the loudest revving noise of any bicycle he could find.

Sam also learned that with age comes responsibility. We'd been preparing him for weeks that things are different when you're five years old. Specifically, we were referring to new rules for picky eaters. He even told us yesterday that "the rules change when you're five."

Idiot parents that we are, Mommy and Daddy didn't finalize every detail of this new set of rules before dinner, when Mommy had to run out for one last thing. While I hadn't intended to make his actual birthday the day we made him stick to trying new food, Rob took me at my word and told him he was eating hot dogs or hamburgers or nothing. I arrived home to find him in hysterics and my husband flustered at how to manage the new mealtime protocol. Knowing our stubborn child and his readiness for the new rules, we knew better than to give in completely, but we did *try* to compromise, telling him he just had to have one bite of a hot dog, then could eat chicken nuggets for dinner. It took 90 minutes of blood-curdling screams before he put the minuscule bite into his mouth, only to immediately vomit it all over his carpet.

Luckily, the kid was fine within 3 seconds saying "I did it! I tried a new food!!" Not quite a homerun, but at least it didn't ruin his birthday.

After some renegotiation, the new rules allow him to select breakfast and lunch foods, but Mommy and Daddy choose dinner. We haven't gotten there yet today, so we'll see how it goes.

In true Sam fashion he did ask if it was fair for him to get to choose twice while we only got one turn a day. We told him that we'd let him take more turns right now. He now believes he is a genius at tricking us into his sub-par eating plans. He'll rethink that later, I'm sure.

He also declared that he'd try a new food during one of his "turns" today. "I"m going to lick a carrot, Mommy!" Again, not what we were looking for, but we'll take anything we can get right now.

For those looking for a Max update here... He's still quite possibly the world's most complacent child. I don't think it's fear and adjustment at this point. I think he's just as mellow as they come. He's sloooooowly finding a sleeping pattern. It's helped that we've decided not to fight his need to sleep on someone for a while longer. We're also taking a few extra days to work on his bond with Rob this week, which we think will help the nighttime wakings that all seem to be about extra time on Daddy. When awake the kid is just a total joy. He laughs and smiles all the time now and intentionally looks to make us laugh. He also says "mama" meaningfully (though he really struggles to make the sound come out... it's funny to hear) and responds to his name. Little by little, we're definitely working it all out.

The Daily Digi

2009-05-18T07:38:00.003-04:00

I'm taking a break from my regular chatter about the Becker boys to finally be able to share some very exciting scrapping news. I was completely blown away to be asked to be a member of the creative team at The Daily Digi.

The site is a great source of inspiration for anyone who's a fan of digital scrapbooking... or wants to be. I have been a daily reader and avid fan of the site's owner (Janet Phillips) and her partner (Steph of Fontologie) for a long time. They both do a great job of what I've loved about scrapping since I first "discovered" it (thanks to Noel and more than a few nudges to "just try it.") a couple of years ago... They focus their scrapping on stories first and foremost. I love the creative aspect of scrapping for sure, but the real reason to devote so much time to this hobby is to be able to preserve family memories.

I'm still not quite sure how I got included in on the fun, but I won't talk about it anymore, lest someone decide they had me confused with someone else.

I can be so lighthearted about all of this for another reason, too. Max slept through the night again last night. I will never cease to be amazed at how much your perspective on life can change with a few solid hours of sleep under your belt. I haven't been *that* deprived, in all honesty, but as both a light sleeper and a worrier, I have been going to bed each night, wondering how often Max will wake up and then waking up myself, convinced I've heard crying. My head hit the pillow last night, though, and I don't think I moved a muscle for at least another six hours. I recall waking up for a second, smiling to myself that the house was still quiet,and sleeping again until 5:30 this morning. I even had a chance to get out of bed, check my email and start to get ready before either of the boys made their first noise. It was heavenly.

All of the stress about Max's sleeping is really just a component of our overall worry about his adjustment. I think we've seen great improvement in the last week or so, in part because we decided that we needed to take a few steps back and "shrink his world" for him. He's so easygoing that we became lulled into thinking he was more portable than he probably is. He needed more time to get comfy at home, we think, before being exposed to too many people. That's meant that we've had to miss a few activities that we'd otherwise have been a part of (like our church picnic yesterday) but all because we've come to realize that while he might not cry when well-intentioned people gush over him, it's stressful to him.

Let's see... What else has happened over the last few days? Oh yeah. I officially became acquainted with my mid-thirties. My sister asked more than once if I was upset about turning 35. I am not exaggerating one bit when I say that I am not. I swore on Oct. 18, 2002 (the day after my world changed forever) that I would not take another day for granted. I really do try to do that, hard as it can be sometimes. It's never hard, though, to be grateful for another year surrounded by the people I love, getting to do what I love to do. A few more grey hairs or any other outward sign of aging are no match for still being here to earn them!

Sleeping Woes

2009-05-10T07:45:00.003-04:00

We think we may have figured out what was wrong with Max's sleep, and I feel like I totally rotten mommy that it took so many days. Particularly since both my mom and Kim had suggested it earlier in the week and I just didn't see it.

We'd been pretty sure he was grieving again and having a hard time adjusting to Rob's schedule. We were happy to have a weekend to give them some extra, intensive bonding time, hopeful that it would help move things along. Rob spent a few extra hours with him on Friday, and he did sleep a bit better on Friday.

Yesterday, however, he was having trouble napping again. By nighttime, he was practically falling over himself from exhaustion, but was resisting sleep in his crib.

Now, both my mom and Kim suggested his problem might be gas since he hated being on his back and seemed inconsolable in the middle of the night. I chalked that up to overtiredness and was giving him a third nap each day. Last night, we went to take him up to bed, and Rob noticed that he seemed warm. He did have a fever of 100.4. We gave him ibuprofen, sure it was related to teething. As he was having his diaper changed, he let out a noise I've never heard from a human before, particularly one so small. I was at his head, Rob at his feet. I instantly thought he'd had an explosive poo experience, because his body sort of popped up down at that end. Rob said he heard a burp as part of that little show, and was sure he was going to spit up.

We sat him up and waited to see if anything else would happen. He cried and cried, but also kept belching. As sad it is to see him uncomfortable, I'm a bit like a preschool aged boy myself, in that I find baby burps hilarious for some reason. My mom tried a "colic hold" on him, and he instantly calmed down. We sat him back up, he did the crazy noise again, and spit up a bit. We laid him back down on his belly across her knees, with me at his face, trying to help comfort him. All of a sudden, he just went to sleep. You could see on his face that he'd gotten relief and was just relishing finally being comfortable. I laid him in his crib and checked him numerous time to be sure that his temperature was ok. Each time, he was sleeping like what he did when we first brought him home. Soundly and deeply.

We spent the rest of the evening talking about this little episode, realizing that the timing of his insomnia perfectly coincides with his change in formula. Rob ran out to get him a can of formula that he'd been on before that with no troubles. We're really hoping that going back to a different formula makes him more comfortable and brings him some rest.

It's really a testament to what a sweet, calm, mild-mannered child he is that he's probably been miserable for a week, and his only real evidence is resisting sleep. At that point, he was too tired to do anything but cry. Can't blame the kid.

An amusing bit of our sleuthing discussion was a serious, 15-min. discussion about the child's poop and burping habits of the last few days. It struck me as we finally went to bed how different people's lives can be. My sister had been here for a visit, and we finally told her dessert wasn't happening since we had to figure Max's issue out. She got dressed in her "going to town" clothes and headed out, probably to remain out with friends until 5 a.m. We, on the other hand, compared notes about how foul Max's burps had been (which didn't seem right in retrospect) and how frequently the child would poo.

I'm sure this has been an entirely boring post for anyone else, but on Mother's Day, it makes me realize that it's the little things about raising kids that bring both joy and satisfaction. I'm not thrilled with myself that we didn't read the signs earlier, but there is immense satisfaction in (hopefully) being able to fix something for an otherwise helpless little person. I can look at Max and Sam together, see how happy Sam is four years after coming home, and see that we can overcome any issues as a family and hopefully have happy, well-adjusted children as a result.

To all my mommy friends, have a GREAT Mother's Day! I know I'm happy today, just being able to look at my TWO beautiful boys!

Thud

2009-05-07T15:00:00.002-04:00

That would be the sound of the other shoe dropping on our idyllic adjustment to life as a family of four. Don't get me wrong. I am happier than I thought I would be. I find myself less stressed parenting two children than I did just one somehow (admittedly, this could be the absence of work responsibilities right now) and am happily devoting my days to Baby Max's every whim.

However.

Remember when I said we had set some sort of adjustment to the new life record? While his achievement in switching to Eastern Daylight Time remains a commendable feat, poor Baby Max is definitely still trying to figure out what his new life means.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. The trauma that any child adopted in this fashion and at this age goes through is unfathomable to me. He woke up on April 21 in Korea, ready to go about his typical day, and found himself whisked off to the agency office, handed to a strange man, taken to an airport, placed on three different airline flights and then passed off again to people who look and sound nothing like anything he's ever known. I'm almost 35 and can't imagine how I'd react to such upheaval. In that respect, Max and Sam are both stronger people than I can probably ever hope to be.

So... back at the ranch. Max is a happy, sweet, snuggly little guy who, most of the time genuinely seems to like his new family and all of the antics that he's happy to sit back and quietly witness. When it comes time to sleep, though, a switch gets flipped and his grieving kicks in again. It's been convincingly explained to me that he's probably at a point where he realizes this situation isn't changing, that he likes us and thinks he can trust us, but he's perhaps a bit fearful of drifting off to sleep. In his little mind, who knows what could happens while he's sleeping?

We are just doing our best to comfort him, letting him guide us as to what he needs. Luckily, he's pretty much a textbook baby from what we can tell. He eats, poops, and plays at regular intervals. He is happy as can be when he's awake. He fusses when awake only very quietly and when there's a genuine need. When it's met, he's immediately happy again. We couldn't ask for a better transition in that respect. At night, he seems to need Rob's attention, which we attribute to his being back to work during the day. He's decided that he knows my role, it would seem, but he still needs reassurance as to when and how Rob takes care of him.

Given the serene, almost Zen-like child he's proven to be so far, I'm confident this, too, shall pass. It still breaks my heart to see him grieve, but I remind myself that it's because he was well-loved in Korea and that in time, he'll continue to find security as a Becker.

On Our Own

2009-05-04T07:28:00.002-04:00

For some reason, today really feels like it marks the first part of my unassisted stay-at-home (albeit temporary) mommyhood. I had only one solo day last week before my mom took a couple of days to lend her capable hands.

About an hour ago, Rob and Sam left for the day, and Max and I are going to work on settling in to our own routine. We had a pretty decent schedule going last week, but I think the changing of the baby guard might have been too inconsistent to make it stick. I'm going to stay home with him for at least a couple of days by myself so that I can figure out his rhythms and hopefully get him on a regular nap schedule. It's amazing to me how quickly life went back to being scheduled around the crib!

Sam was a good napper from the very beginning. The kid still needs his sleep and will nap three hours once the arguments about whether or not he really needs the rest have ceased. Max can take two 90 min. naps on a good day, or, on days like yesterday, opt to just snooze for 20 minutes after fighting us for 45 min. before. Because we're still so focused on attachment, I don't let him scream, which means we muddle through, and try to squeeze in sleep while we can so he doesn't turn into a raving lunatic.

The best part of the weekend was definitely the progress Big made with Little. Yesterday was, dare I say it, whine-free when it comes to Sam complaining that Max gets ALL the attention and no one EVER talks to him. He was downright pleasant with the baby and even snuck downstairs before nap to sneak in an extra kiss. It was super cute. I got a glimmer of mommy hope that my two boys will be the best of friends and will spend their childhoods skipping through meadows, while rainbows paint the sky. Too optimistic too soon?

One Week

2009-04-28T19:31:00.002-04:00

It was one week ago almost to the minute that I walked out of the front door to go meet Baby Max for the first time.

I just watched him drift off to sleep thinking that it's hard to believe that he's only been with us seven days. If I ever doubted that God gives us the children that are meant to be ours, I need only look at Sam and Max. I cannot imagine any other little people fitting in with our family more perfectly. Max has adjusted to life as a Becker almost effortlessly. It's amazing to comprehend that this baby was born on the other side of the world and loved by two other mothers before he made his way to our home. In just a few days, it really feels like he was here from the day he was born.

I'm not trying to sound like there haven't been any growing pains to work out. There have. Our whole schedule has changed with the addition of an infant to our lives and Sam is definitely struggling to find room in his little universe for an actual human that commands his parents' attention. But day by day -- almost hour by hour -- it gets easier for everyone.

For me, especially, the bonding with Max has been easier than it was with Sam. Sam took to Rob almost immediately and I cried many tears as I watched a very strong-willed and independent child openly express his desire to only be held by someone other than me. I was instantly in love with him, and well educated about the many facets of the attachment process, but nothing made it easier for me when I just wanted to hold my first baby and kiss him to pieces.

Of course, that's all changed now. Sam is firmly attached to both me and Rob and definitely knows how to play each of us to get what he wants! Max does not seem to have a strong preference to either one of us, but not being shrieked at as if I'm doing bodily harm to him makes it easier for me to enjoy the experience and continue to fall in love with him.

It's interesting to see, too, how well my instincts have served me with Max. Rob has remarked many times in the last week that I'm somehow able to interpret Max's signals easily. The best example is the process to get his sleep issues worked out. By Max's fourth night here, I somehow got him to take to his crib, and he stayed there for 10+ hours. Luckily, that trend has continued, which makes any other part of the adjustment process easier to manage. A well rested family is a happy family!

Our next hurdle was getting him to nap in his crib. He was only taking two or three 20-minute naps, and most of those were in our arms or in the stroller. I am a firm believer in sleep training. I never leave his side while he's falling asleep and am instantly at his side if he wakes up crying, but I also am committed to getting him to do his sleeping in his crib so that he gets the rest he needs and we can do other things that need to be done (like showering, for instance.) We spent a quiet day at home yesterday working on a schedule/routine for him. We managed to get one crib nap out of him, but he was not having it during the afternoon. We tried again today, and were thrilled that he took two naps that were each more than 90 min. long in his crib.

Rob just went to put him to sleep for the night for the first time, and I kept hearing him ask through the monitor if I was really sure Max was tired. I told him that he's a giggly, wiggly baby when going to sleep and not to worry. Rob finally called me upstairs to "take a look at this," as if I was going to be met with some strange behavior that would need diagnosis. He was convinced Max was getting a second wind and that "we missed the window. He's going to be up for hours." I told him he just has to be patient and lo and behold, he was out cold not five minutes later. There is something immensely satisfying to me to have been able to figure out some of his cues already.

Hopefully all of this will serve me well tomorrow, when Rob goes back to work and I temporarily enter the world of stay-at-home-mommyhood for the first time in my life (Sam came home during the summer when Rob was off, too.) I don't have lofty goals for the first few days. If I am showered and dressed and Max has napped by the time the other boys get home, I will consider the day a success!

I love sleep

2009-04-25T08:10:00.002-04:00

I especially love sleep when I get to do it myself for long stretches of time because everyone else in my house is sleeping, too. I think we may possibly have set a record for recovery from 16 hours of flight and nearly 24 hours of total travel time. Baby Max had one bad night's sleep, two pretty decent ones and last night was FANTASTIC.

Overall, his adjustment seems to be going really well. The grieving is still there from time to time, but we expect that and want him to feel like we're helping him overcome it. Part of that process is letting him determine how, when and where to sleep until he's got his bearings. For the first two nights with us, that meant sleeping plastered to our bodies in one way or another. For the third night, it meant sleeping in a swing with one of us within arm's reach.

Throughout all of this, we've tried introducing him to the crib, but not expecting him to stay in it alone. We learned that wouldn't work when I first laid him down and he reacted as though there were vipers laying there to greet him that I couldn't see. I scooped him up and have instead opted to sit him in the crib for short intervals with toys and his big brother so he could see that it's really a nice place to be.

Last night, after a fairly good day schedule-wise, I had Max up in the nursery to put pajamas on him. I needed to change myself, so I put him down in the crib with a couple of new toys and stood there to talk to him before disappearing and terrifying him. He played around with the toys and didn't seem to mind if I was there or not. We put Sam in with him to "teach" him how to use a crib properly. After Sam got out, I put Max on his back, just to get him used to the idea. I was ready to pull him out and take him downstairs once big brother was none the wiser.

Rather than grunt and cry as usual, Max reached up to play with the strings on my sweatshirt that were dangling down. He found this to be a fascinating activity for a full 15 minutes or so. At that point, I realized he was engaging in his I'm-serious-about-sleeping trick (I love that I have figured out one of his little quirks already!) otherwise known as sucking on his wrist/sleeve. Side note: I've heard of thumb sucking and pacifier dependence, but wrist sucking as a self-soothing behavior is new to me.

I just stood over the crib and let him suck his wrist and fidget for a while. He quickly realized that the fidgeting made the crib mattress bounce a tiny bit, which kept him happy for another 15 min. or so. And then, as if by magic, he just closed his eyes and went to sleep. I resisted the urge to squeal with glee and shut out the lights and proceeded to stand over him for another 15 min., in case he woke up scared. He didn't, so I left the room, totally unsure after only three days of what I was supposed to do when all the children in the house are sleeping without needing something from me.

I went to our room, read for a bit, then went to sleep. Of course, I woke up scared at 2 a.m. when I realized that I'd not heard a peep from Max in hours. I raced into his room, only to find him dozing in the very position in which I'd left him. I stumbled back to my own bed with a sleepy grin plastered to my face and went back to sleep. I checked him again at 5, to see the very same thing going on in there.

At 6:30ish, I heard a wail. I bolted out of bed, thrust open his door, leapt to the side of his crib, only to see him sleeping. I heard the wail again. It was at that moment that I realized: Wait. I have two kids. This one is sleeping peacefully. That obnoxious noise is coming from Sam's room!

I went in the other room to find Sam upright in bed, pretending to be a baby, knowing we'd race to his side as well. I got him up, let Daddy sleep, let Sam watch race car videos on You Tube and prepared to hear Max at any moment.

Much to my surprise, he remained asleep until 7:30... If you're counting, that's a full TEN HOURS of peaceful slumber. All accomplished within four days of arriving on the other side of the planet. I plan on melting down all of my jewelry today to make myself a medal. Honestly, though, I am not sure how much of this was our expert parenting (you can laugh here... ) or just that Max is an easygoing kid. I'm sure it's the latter, but I'll take credit for the former.

We're off this morning to walk the neighborhood's annual yard sale. Then a few visitors are stopping by to peek in on Max and Sam. Justin and Crystal have said they're coming over with lasagna for us. I'll play down the we're-sleeping-all-night detail until the pan is in my fridge so they don't leave with it. I've eaten some of Crystal's cooking before and don't want her to think we don't *need* what she's made for us!

Baby Max's arrival story

2009-04-23T05:34:00.001-04:00

We are all still a bit weary from our big day yesterday, but I want to capture my memories of what happened before they start to fade...

I watched Max's flights all day long yesterday, and was incredibly pleased to see that he did not have a single flight delay... even out of of O'Hare for the last leg of his journey.

A couple of hours before we needed to go to the airport, a few of the people planning to go with us gathered at our house. I'm sure everyone else made small talk and discussed the anticipated arrival. I basically paced back and forth to the computer to witness the status change the very second Max's flight left Chicago.

The anticipation of meeting him kept my mind occupied through all of this and I was too excited to even eat for about a day and a half. I was worried about how the transition from Max's foster mom had gone, but once I knew that part was over, I seemed better able to think about what was to come.

We got to the airport about an hour before he was due to land. I was surprised to find out that the configuration of Terminal D has changed quite a bit since I was last there, and that we couldn't really go very far at all. Waiting outside security now basically consists of standing at the end of the hallway that leads to baggage claim. You can see nothing past a foyer that leads to the terminal and there is not an arrivals board nearby, so we had no way of knowing if he'd landed except to call the airport's arrivals line and accost passersby to see if they'd been on the same flight.

While we waited and the crowd gathered, we took lots of pictures, waved our pennants and generally attracted the attention of virtually everyone that left Terminal D. Our friend Justin, who was also taking lots of pictures for us, was the last one to call to check the flight status. He called out that the plane was in, so everyone ran over to the exit from security to wait. There was a long line of people from two flights that passed before Rob was able to see a man carrying a baby in a Holt carrier.

He shouted "There he is!" and everyone started to cheer and try to get a glimpse. Mr. Ahn walked right up to us and sort of stood still so we could pull Max out of his carrier. I remember everything happening all at once and sort of in slow motion... I pulled him out and held him while Rob held Sam right next to me so we could all meet at once.

Through my tears, I was able to ask Mr. Ahn how Max did on the flight. He didn't speak much English, but was able to say "Good baby. Lots sleep. Happy." Rob and I both thanked him, and I think we actually overwhelmed the poor guy. He seemed surprised that we gave him a gift. He asked Rob "What's this for?" Rob replied (in these words) "it's a gift because we're so grateful to you for escorting our child to this country." I'm no translator, but I'm pretty sure he didn't understand what Rob was saying. It was at that point that I, normally not a huggy person but thrilled with anyone who brings me my baby after months of waiting, tried to give him a big hug and say "Thank you." He very sweetly just sort of looked at me, smiled and bowed. He did recognize Sam was with us at that point and stopped what he was saying to lean down and hug him. It will always stand out as one of the sweetest points of the evening to me.

(***baby cried... needed Mommy... Mommy suspended writing... continued next morning without realizing time references would then be off... ;-) )

Once the initial commotion was over, the greeters went to take Mr. Ahn down to get a cab to his hotel. As he was leaving, he let me know that Max had a dirty diaper, so the mommy part commenced immediately!

During all of this, Max was a serene as any baby I've ever seen. I'm sure it was shock, but he did not cry at all. He just calmly stared up at us and craned his neck to see everything that was going on around him. He seemed particularly interested in the flashes from cameras all around him.

I took him to change his pants right away, which was when he finally began to cry. I can't really blame him. Who wants some strange woman taking their pants off in an unfamiliar place?! He was bundled up in several layers of clothing. While he's got the chubbiest thighs I've ever seen, he's actually smaller than he looked when we first saw him. He had a bit of a diaper rash, so started to really fuss and cry when I cleaned him up, but went right back to being calm and sweet when we were finished.

We spent probably another thirty minutes or so taking pictures and gathering up all of our things before heading home. Overall, I feel like this airport greeting went much more quickly than Sam's did. I did miss some of the build-up of being able to watch the plane arrive, but I also kept telling myself to just enjoy the experience for what it was. I was every bit as emotional as I was waiting for Sam and felt an immediate rush of relief when I finally had him in my arms.

The time since he arrived has been spent with Max velcroed to at least one of us at all times. He slept in the carseat on the way home after fussing a bit, but woke up as soon as we got in the house. It was when he looked around and realized that he was in yet another new location that he really started to cry. He began to quietly sob and call out what sounds like "Um-ma. Um-ma." repeatedly. We think he's calling for his foster mom and grieving when he does this.

We did try to put him to bed since he was tired, but he will have none of the crib. We ended up taking turns holding him and have not really been able to put him down since. His grieving was fairly obvious for the first day, but as I type (at just after 5 a.m. on Thursday morning) he's clearly starting to bond with us. He only slept for about 10 min. at a time overnight at first, waking up to look for his foster mom, but by night two, we were shocked that he slept nearly seven hours without budging. He was on Rob the whole time but happy to stay sleeping.

The fact that he is showing that he was clearly well cared for is actually a very good sign for attachment, even if that part is a bit more exhausting than it was with Sam. I think it's remarkable that he slept so well on the second night. It was like a switch flipped with his afternoon nap. Rob offered to take the first shift since I'd only had about an hour's sleep since he arrived. I figured I'd sleep maybe 2 hours before taking over. Imagine my surprise when I woke up almost six hours later! I walked downstairs to be greeted by a smiling, cooing baby and a Daddy who said they'd just woken up, too!

I know I'll need to add more details to this at some point, but (if you're still reading!) I really wanted to capture some of the little details that I'm sure to forget later. The emotional aspects will be remembered forever, but I wanted to capture the everyday part of Max's initial adjustment.

The last thing I should note is that we didn't have Facebook for Sam's arrival, and I have been totally overwhelmed to see the number of people who have left comments for us. It's been totally amazing.

There's more to share, but I'll save it for another post. For now, Max is smiling at me and wants to be held by his Mommy!

Airborne

2009-04-21T06:39:00.002-04:00

As I predicted, I did not sleep until I was able to see that Max's flight had left Seoul. I was proud of myself for waiting a full half-hour after departure before I went to the computer upstairs to check the status. I don't know what it is about flights from Seoul, but they seem to leave early quite a bit!

Max's flight left at 1:04 a.m. Eastern Time and will arrive in San Francisco at 11:19 a.m. Eastern. That's 15 min. ahead of schedule! His next flight leaves for Chicago at 2:05 p.m. Eastern. I'll even have a few people gathered here at the house by the time his final flight takes off at 6:19 p.m. Eastern.

I'm going to try to get a few more hours of sleep before I go pick up Sam from preschool today. I suppose I need to be working on my stamina as I'm so NOT a night person, but am choosing the get-sleep-while-I-can method for today.

I watched these same flights yesterday to see if they were on time or not. The last flight from Chicago to Philly was more than three hours late. We did have crazy storms here, so I'm hoping the delay was weather-related and we won't face that tonight!

And So It Begins...

2009-04-20T21:56:00.002-04:00

I've been staring the clock on and off for the last few hours with very mixed emotions. On one hand, I'm almost giddy with excitement that we should finally have Baby Max in our arms by this time tomorrow. On the other hand, I'm so very sad at what he's probably going through right now.

As I type, it's about 11 a.m. in Korea. Since his flight leaves around 2 p.m. local time, he's most likely just arriving at the airport. That means in the last hour, he's had to say goodbye to the only family he's ever known. I just can't imagine how hard that must have been for both him and his foster mother. I'm sure she's happy to know he's going home to a forever family, but I can't imagine she isn't sad each time a child she's loved moves on from her home. For him, he must be terrified. That's the hardest part for me to think about. At just 9 months old, this is his third major life transition. At that age, children should only have to learn to crawl or decide whether they like squash or not. Having no say in being removed from a home that you always thought would be there forever, then enduring a grueling 20 hours of travel if all goes well, only to be handed to people who are totally unfamiliar to you must be so confusing and upsetting.

I know the positives outweigh the negatives and I really am excited to finally meet him and start to make the hurt all better for him, but I know that to reach that point, he's going through an incredible amount of loss. I'm also sad to think about his birth mother today. She's probably sad to some degree every day, but she has no idea that today is the hardest of her baby's life. I know this day is what she'd hoped for, but it just seems so sad to me that she's not even able to sit watching a clock like I am...

All of the emotions of Sam's adoption are really coming back to me in the last few hours. I very clearly remember feeling this way before he came home, too. I know I was beside myself with joy when we finally saw his sweet face, but I really do recall feeling something bordering on guilt to be inflicting this on him. Luckily, this time I have the luxury of knowing how it all can turn out. And I know that it's without question the greatest blessing of my life.

Safe travels, Baby Max. You've got many people counting the hours till we meet you!

Maternity Leave

2009-04-20T07:47:00.002-04:00

It's so weird to sit down on a Monday morning with my cup of coffee and realize that I have NO work email to check. I have a feeling these next two days are bound to be among the longest of the wait. Not only do I have the anticipation of Max coming home, but I don't have any kind of schedule to keep.

I'm taking Sam to school on the late side. So far, we've snuggled on the couch, had coffee together and now I'm letting him watch whatever cartoons he wants before school. We enjoy our mornings together, and this is the last one that it's just the two of us. He's going to go to school early tomorrow with Rob so that I can get some extra sleep before our long night. He's going in so that he has some sort of distraction during the day, but I'll pick him up right after lunch. I will let him play a bit at home before going down for a nap. I figure if he naps at home, we'll have better luck keeping him up and happy until way past his bedtime. I know he'll be up either way, but better for Aunt Bitty (who's volunteered for Sam duty at the airport) if he's well rested. I can hear the thoughts of those who would think I'm crazy for thinking Sam will actually nap, but if my kid is anything, he's a champion sleeper. Once he gets settled down, he should sleep like a brick for at least a couple of hours tomorrow.

I checked on the timeliness of the departure of the flight that Max will be on, and was able to clear up a bit of the mystery that had been plaguing me all weekend. My email from the agency said he was coming through Chicago to Philly. I assumed (as did the woman who called me) that he was going directly from Seoul to Chicago, which seemed an odd route to me. As it turns out, he's still going through San Francisco. They just gave me an updated schedule from his layover point. The Chicago flight is supposed to get him in earlier than the flight through Denver would have. Unfortunately, being a near-expert domestic traveler, I do not have high hopes for an on-time arrival from O'Hare. Oh, well. Maybe I'll be surprised!

So, first full day of maternity leave... Once Sam is at school, I'm going to finish up the felt pennants we'll have at the airport and then am going to lunch with Kim and Ethan. I'll probably go get Sam early so he can play with Ethan a bit. Then it's just the two of us again for dinner and bed. We didn't realize when we planned it that Rob's Relay fundraiser night at the Phillies game would fall on our last night together as a family of three. The forecast is calling for thunderstorms, so Rob's hoping the game is rained out so he can stay home. At some point during the day, I also plan to do some extra cleaning. If that has to wait till tomorrow, it's fine. It will distract me during the day.

Tomorrow our friends Gary and Natalie have graciously offered to cater dinner for the few people that will leave for the airport from our house. They did it last time, too, and it stands out as one of the highlights of the evening. It was so nice not to have to think about mundane things like cooking dinner! It was also nice to have a casual sort of party before we left. It kept me from freaking out completely.

I'm off for a bit more Sam time before school...

Finally

2009-04-17T20:31:00.003-04:00

So, after blogging endlessly about how the phone wasn't ringing, once it did, it took me four days to update.

I will readily admit that it's not just because I've been busy getting ready to be on maternity leave (which I have been) but that I'd been wanting to scrap about the call right away and couldn't find time to do that immediately.

Anyway, now that my travel call confession is out of the way... I suppose the call wasn't as climactic as it could have been, given the fact that I'd been calling anyone I could at Holt for days, trying to figure out if we could speed things up. We'd gotten a heads up on Good Friday that flying to Korea wouldn't get him home any earlier than they could get him escorted, which was April 21.

The whole should-we-travel discussion was interesting. Our primary reason for not traveling before now was that Rob only gets five days off from work and we wanted to spend that time bonding, not in transit. I also have a mental block about being the person to physically remove my child from the only mother he's ever known. I've never wanted to be the person to inflict that trauma. I did find out during my investigation that there's actually something called a trauma bond. Apparently, the child actually quickly trusts the person they see another trusted person (the foster mom) trust enough to hand over the kid. That's a complicated sentence and concept, actually.

In the end, we settled for knowing our baby had an actual day to come home and waited for the *real* call. I was quite shocked that it didn't come on Monday, and became concerned all over again that they did not have an escort. I was particularly certain this was true because on Good Friday, they'd told us they could get him home April 21 or 22. That didn't sound very final to me. The story was that seats were hard to come by. If that was true, why did they still not have a final date??

Well, my phone finally did ring at 12:05 p.m. on Tuesday, April 21, and the mystery was quickly solved. The reason for the two dates was that there was an extra layover in the flight. Even though he would be leaving Seoul on April 21, he would have to travel from Seoul to San Francisco to Denver and then to Philadelphia. His final arrival time would have been 12:30 a.m. on April 22.

We scrambled once again to decide if we should go meet him in Denver. That seemed like a ton of travel for both Max and his poor escort. As it turns out, I could not locate two seats in the same cabin on a single nonstop flight. We settled in again for the middle of the night arrival and began to plan accordingly.

Much to my surprise, my phone rang again on Wednesday morning. It was the Holt branch director letting me know they'd found a better flight. The new route now has him going from Seoul to Chicago, and then on to Philly. He'll arrive home on Tuesday, April 21 at 9:19 p.m.

The last few days have been a whirlwind of final preparations, many of them getting me ready to be away from work for three months. I feel pretty settled now and hope these last few days don't drag.

We are going to tidy up the house this weekend, go to a Bark For Life (doggie Relay) event tomorrow and just generally get ourselves ready for the big day. Sam seems to not even notice all the commotion. I can't really blame him. Four months of waiting is a long time to a nearly five year old. I hope he's ready come Tuesday!

We did have a bit of sad news this morning. After four years of happily living in a bowl in our living room, our beta fish Roosevelt died this morning. We were surprisingly sad at this turn of events. Sam asked quite a few questions about it, the main one being when he can get a new fish. The poor kid has lost three pets in three years. I guess it's taught him that these things happen, so he doesn't seem to be too distraught. I just wish the bad news hadn't come during a week that was already stressful.

**Scrapper's note: The layout above was for the Sweet Shoppe Spin-A-Lift challenge. I was all to happy to lift my all-time favorite scrapper, Melissa Lewis.

More waiting

2009-04-10T15:34:00.002-04:00

Well, the last two weeks have probably been the longest of my life. Considering this isn't my first rodeo, so to speak, that's saying something. I thought the time we spent waiting for Sam to arrive when we had no child at all would be the most difficult. As it turns out, knowing what you are missing makes the wait that much harder. Or at least that's been the case for me.

I would have bet my mortgage that Max would have been home by now when we received word that he had a visa back on March 30. I've spent literally every minute of every business day between then and now within a 10 foot radius of my home phone, to no avail. I finally started emailing Holt to either find out what his status was (assuming perhaps an escort could not be found) or to say that I would travel to him since the timing was working out to be right during Rob's spring break.

Many emails, many hours of staring at the phone and not just a few tears later, we have at least some information to keep us sane over the Easter weekend.

I asked that a message be sent to Seoul yesterday letting the agency know that we would travel to Korea next week if possible to get Max -- and if it would be faster than an escort. I saw two families with identical visa dates receive notice of travel yesterday, so I had high hopes for today. I got a call from Holt this morning and was immediately told the call was to "explain the situation to me." Well, the word "situation" is typically not used when good news is forthcoming.

As it turns out, a seat on an airplane is apparently not available for Max until April 21 or 22. We have asked them to look for an earlier flight to anyplace in the US any day next week... We can fly to pick him up any place that will get him home sooner!

I hope I'll know for sure, one way or the other, on Monday morning. I'm going to spend Easter weekend making Sam happy and enjoying the holiday. At least there's light at the end of the tunnel!

Again with the cuteness

2009-04-04T13:00:00.003-04:00

Sam's full of adorable conversation lately.

It's been a rather long week for everyone, yet our son still decided to rise with the chickens this morning. That meant that once lunch was over, it was time for both Daddy and Sam to try to take a nap.

Normally, Sam would nap in his own room, but since we don't have room darkening curtains in there yet, he and Rob have been laying down together in our room (since I'm a terrible napper anyway.) During these naps, Rob, recognizing that Sam is the only human on the planet allowed to touch my pillow, lays Sam down on my side of the bed.

Apparently Sam was feeling the need to shake things up a bit today, so asked Rob if they could switch sides. Rob replied that Mommy doesn't like Daddy to sleep on her side. Sam interpreted that to be an enormous slight, so came running down the stairs to rectify the situation.

He came up to me, put his hand on top of mine and said...

SAM: Mommy, I need to ask you something very important.

MOMMY: Ok. What is it?

SAM: Do you think Daddy could sleep on your side for naptime today?

MOMMY: (tried to reply)

SAM: (All in one breath) Because, Mommy. I never get to sleep on the other side. Daddy always sleeps over there. I really want him to switch places with me, but you won't let him. If you say yes, I will tell him that you said it was ok. And if you say it's ok, you'll make me happy. Oh, and saying yes also will make God happy. And the Earth, too.

So... letting Sam take a nap on the other side of the bed will please my son, my husband, the entire planet AND God? Hard to say no to that.

Cuteness

2009-04-02T20:11:00.003-04:00

Like most families with young kids, we have our nightly routine pretty well set. Sam gets his bath, we get him dressed in his pajamas, then Mommy reads books before Daddy comes back in to do "Special Day."

Lately, Special Day has entailed about 15 min. of extra cuddle time. I've asked for a turn only to be told that it's Daddy's job.

Well, tonight I was informed that it was a "Mommy Night." Only Mommy was allowed to read stories AND do Special Day. Daddy just did the tucking in.

As we were laying in the dark, admiring Sam's favorite glow-in-the-dark pjs, I touched him on the cheek and told him that I loved him.

It went like this...

Mommy: I love you, Sammy.

Sam: I know that Mom. You tell me that all the time.

Mommy: Do you like when I tell you that?

Sam: Yes. You can tell me that all the time if you want.

*Thinks for a few moments...*

Sam: Mommy, Do you know how much I love you?

Mommy: How much do you love me?

Sam: I love you as much as the telephone wires.

Mommy: Is that a lot?

Sam: Yes. It's a real lot. We're in New Jersey and the telephone wires go all the way to Texas.

Mommy: Oh, thank you, Sammy. That's so nice to hear. I love it when you say such sweet things. It makes Mommy very happy.

Sam: (putting his hand on my face again) Mommy. We're supposed to be going to sleep now. Why don't you close your eyes and see if you can get some rest. We'll talk tomorrow.

How much longer?

2009-04-02T07:20:00.002-04:00

Okay, so I said before that I was being patient. I was. Then. Today, not so much.

I am calm enough about *why* Max isn't home yet, but am really getting anxious about this last phase. I just read another post on the Holt board about someone who's waited from visa even longer than we have for an escort. Rob has a theory about travel around Easter that I suppose could be true.

All I know is that I'm totally velcroed to my phone these days. Each day, I am more and more convinced that it just *has* to be today (or whatever day that happens to be) since the calls usually come much sooner than this. I'm obviously not expecting to have him home this weekend, but I think Easter must still be a good possibility. He has a cute outfit all ready. Maybe I need to make Holt aware of that.

Not being one to enjoy abrupt changes in his routine, Rob is positively serene about this last delay. It's not because he's not itching to have Max home, but because he'd done his best to plan two field trips with his students that wouldn't interfere and it was really looking like he'd have to resort to Plan B. Now that we clearly won't have Max home today or tomorrow, he can handle those trips for his school and not have anything else to fret about once the call comes. In a weird way, it would almost work in our favor for the call to come today. On most days, I wouldn't be able to immediately reach him with the news. Since he's just chaperoning in New York today, he'll be able to answer his cell all day. That part will be very nice. I don't know that I can handle any more delayed gratification!

I must say that my friends have been amazingly supportive about everything. I swear, the Facebook comments from people who let us know that they are wishing on our behalf and praying for a quick call keep me smiling when I might be crying otherwise. It's been really great to be able to share the experience so openly with people I know from all across the country. Max will certainly know he's loved when he hears those stories!

Okay. I'll try to stop the broken-record-whining for today. :-)

It must be today

2009-03-31T07:34:00.003-04:00

Max's visa interview was scheduled for Monday in Seoul, so I was completely convinced that we, like so many other people I've known, would get our travel call the same day. Not so much. You know what they say about assuming...

The good news is that rather than becoming despondent over the fact that the phone isn't ringing, I've started to just get more excited as time goes on. Every hour that passes, I figure the phone just *has* to ring at any moment. That means I have very high hopes for today. I bounced out of bed around 5:25 this morning, eager to get showered and ready to answer the phone. Because heaven forbid I answer the phone with bed head. And because we all know social workers in Oregon are poised to dial at 2:25 a.m. Whatever. I'm ready when they are.

My lovely sister-in-law Noel came to my rescue this weekend and helped me sew the pennants for Max's arrival (that sentence could also be read as: Noel sewed them for me. I watched and snipped stray threads for her.) All that's left to do is glue the last few letters to the remaining pennants and we're good to go. I just have to run out and get Liquid Stitch... one more in a long line of craft items that I never knew existed. I'll make a trip to get both that stuff and waterproof mascara at some point today. When I'm not parked next to the phone, willing it to ring.

Sam has been totally cute about being in big brother mode. The jealous comments are very few are far between now (well, I should say for now) and he's constantly talking about what he wants to teach Max about. We bought new books at the school book fair yesterday, and Sam immediately talked about how he was going to read his monster truck book to Max. Thank goodness I have two nieces and another one on the way, lest I drown in testosterone. I can always buy girly books (like Pinkilicious!) for them if I feel the need to balance out the male influence that surrounds me.

Speaking of Sam's love for all things mechanical and noisy, on the way to school yesterday, he completely floored me with his use of 50-cent words. We see a lot of buses on our short jaunt to preschool every morning. We usually see a line of school buses as well as an NJ Transit bus or two. Sam, as usual, was chattering in the back seat about how big and cool buses are when he asked me, "Mommy. Do you know that some buses are so big and hold so many people that they have to have an accordion in the middle to go around corners?"

I replied that yes, I had seen such buses before.

He said, "Do you know what their special name is?"

When I admitted that I did not, he said, "They're called articulated buses, Mommy."

Seriously? What four-year-old can recall the word articulated?? I googled the word to be sure it was correct. Turns out, the more commonly used term is "bendy bus." Nice. My child chooses to use articulated over bendy. Another word nerd in the making.

Stay tuned for the big news to come. I am sure it will be today!

I'm feeling better

2009-03-26T07:20:00.002-04:00

I'm doing a bit better in the last 24 hours than I had been in the week or so before that. I'm still grumpy that my baby should be here and isn't, but I've been reminded in a few meaningful ways that I need to focus on the here and now and not let myself get completely bent out of shape over things I can't control. Have you ever met me? That's a big issue for me.

Thanks to smart friends with wise words, an appropriately timed Scripture passage and a husband who is emotionally stronger than I am, I'm actually doing a decent job of staying calm. I had a day or two of crying at the drop of a hat out of frustration, but I'm in a better place now. And it doesn't even involve adult beverages like I thought it might.

Rob said to me that he was intrigued by how differently we are handling these last few days of the wait. Whereas I get frustrated every time I see empty baby gear that sits waiting for Max, Rob says he gets excited. He even walked out of Max's room the other day after we'd stocked diapers and baby powder in there and said very happily, "Guess what?! It already smells like baby in there!"

It may have been that one small moment that brought things back into focus for me. I intellectually knew what I needed to do, but watching my husband be such a sweet Daddy reminded me that I'm not doing this alone, there is another perspective that I can choose to take and that we can focus on enjoying the time that we have right now. We'll both be giddy the minute the phone finally rings, but for now, we can enjoy Sam and little things like finally liking the same people on a season of American Idol. (I think we broke serious ground when we finally agreed on a political candidate... The carryover effect is quite nice.)

Sam's teacher told us the other day that he is talking all day long every day about his brother's arrival. He's able to find a reference to Max in everything they do. It's generally along the lines of "I'm going to teach my baby brother about this when he gets here." I hope that sticks when Baby Brother is actually here, touching his new toys and getting more lap time than Sam does.

Rob and I have had quite a few conversations lately about the memory that our little guy seems to have. I should do more reading so I know for sure, but I have been stopped in my tracks quite a few times lately when Sam will pull out a very detailed account of an event that happened as long as three years ago. I did not think children had memories of much other than really big things that far back, but Sam sure as heck does. For instance, he remembers small details about a trip we took to Canada when he was just two years old. He can also literally fall asleep in the car and wake up, know where we are, and give us directions home. It's baffling to me how he does it. It's even earned him the nickname GPS.

It will be interesting to see how his little brain works once he's in kindergarten next year. We got the receipt for his after school program yesterday, which for some reason, made his enrollment seem so official. I think he's going to really love going to a new school and meeting new people. I hope his brother develops Sam's same sense of adventure and sociability.

The list

2009-03-24T09:24:00.002-04:00

Not surprisingly, I'm focused like crazy on the "waiting to travel" list on the Holt message board. You may recall how I pored over this list when we were waiting for a match. As of today, I am #8 waiting for travel.

That's truly so-close-yet-so-far if you ask me. I made the call to DC that I have come to dread already today and was told, yet again, that our paperwork is still with the agency. For the life of me, I can't figure out how they process these cases. Why would a child who's been matched with his family since December still sit and wait when others are coming home?

I did another type of calculation this morning, apparently out of the need to wallow even more deeply. As of today, we have been waiting 81 weeks for a baby. We started the process that long ago, which is almost hard to believe. I could have had two babies by now were I going the biological route.

I must say, waiting for travel during Lent puts things in a different perspective for me. This period seems so "dark" but I know that it will be much brighter very soon. I just hope I don't end up in the funny farm by the time someone wakes up and takes some action on our behalf in Seoul.

I'm at that point again...

2009-03-23T11:55:00.002-04:00

I am sitting here hoping -- again -- that the adage about the process moving once you can't take it anymore will hold true one more time. I am definitely about to crawl out of my skin. My newest frustration is that I am now seeing travel for children referred after us, even when other dates along the way are the same (if not earlier) for us. I in NO WAY begrudge anyone getting a call to bring their baby home. I am just getting indescribably sad that things have slowed down for no reason that I can understand. I stare at Max's empty room, empty high chair and all of the little clothes and toys we have waiting and am just miserable that he's still in Korea when he could be here. I am really going to continue to try to make a concerted effort this week to relish the time I have to focus solely on Sam, but I won't lie. It's still really hard to be left waiting.

List watching

2009-03-19T12:31:00.002-04:00

I think I could qualify as a professional statistician after this adoption process. I am fairly sure I have analyzed every single case's (on the Holt board) referral dates against their I600 approval, emigration permit approval, visa center log out date and P3 send date.

The problem? It doesn't make my phone ring any faster.

I know that we are totally in the home stretch now, but I am starting to see travel calls for babies referred after Max and I just don't get it. I want everyone's babies to be home where they belong as soon as possible, but the randomness of certain parts of the process are completely mind boggling to me. It's understandable when it comes to referral, because babies are matched to the families most appropriate for them. But travel? Shouldn't it happen as chronologically as possible? Isn't that why "logic" is part of that word?! I suppose not.

At least with the National Visa Center stalking I was doing, the case was being worked on in the Eastern time zone, so I could redial to my heart's content and have a shot at getting an answer I liked more. Now, all of our papers are in Seoul, where it's 13 hours ahead of here. It's so frustrating to get news I'm not happy with before 10 a.m., and then just have to sulk for the rest of the day and hope for better news tomorrow.

Why didn't someone tell me that I should have given up whining for Lent??

What's wrong with this picture?

2009-03-16T12:17:00.002-04:00

Thank goodness I have friends who not only check out this blog, but do so in enough detail to notice when things are glaringly incorrect.

We were SOOOOO proud of ourselves for getting the car seats installed this weekend. In fact, you may recognize this picture from a posting done on Saturday. As I was talking to my friend Jeff this morning, however, he immediately noticed a major parenting faux pas in the photo.

I stared and stared and didn't know what it was, but he saw it immediately. Baby Max is only 8 months old, therefore his car seat should be installed in rear-facing fashion.

OOPSIE.

Rob will be thrilled to find out he gets to take on this little project all over again. Kind of like how he had to disassemble the crib and put it back together again just before this photo was taken.

Chalk it up to item number 23432907 that we don't know about parenting an infant. Here's to being a quick study from here on out.

Getting Ready

2009-03-14T18:27:00.008-04:00

We got the great news this week that Baby Max's I600 approval was logged in and out of the National Visa Center and sent to the embassy in Seoul on Wednesday of this week. That means, if all goes well, we could be VERY CLOSE to finally having our baby home!

Of course, along with the excitement comes the very real panic that we still had a ton to do in order to have a place for him to sleep and bottles to drink out of. We spent almost all day today getting his room finished up, installing car seats and washing bottles, blankets, etc. We've been chipping away at the project over several weeks, but today really felt like the day that we could see improvement. We both remarked a few minutes ago that we're at least at the point that if our phone magically rang tomorrow, we'd be ready. Or at least able to pass a first post placement visit without being judged as completely unprepared and ridiculously disorganized.

A few people have asked what the bedding that I'm so excited about looks like. I posted a pic from Ebay a long time ago when I bought it, but I finally got shots of it in Max's room today to share. You'll notice there are still things that need finishing (like taking Sam's name down from above the window and putting Max's up!) but the room is definitely habitable now and, to my immense delight, looks different enough from Sam's room that I feel like Max is not just getting hand-me-downs.

Here's how we spent our day:

Scrappers... Do you see what I mean when I say the quilt reminds me of a Two Sisters kit?! I LOVE the colors in this bedding. I will be sad when he outgrows it.

Finally

2009-03-10T07:59:00.003-04:00

The whole theory about movement in the adoption process when you're about to crack is still holding true for us. Rob commented over coffee early this morning that I looked like I was about to lose it. I was apparently clenching my jaw without even realizing it and generally looking like I was wound as tight as could be.

I decided to take that into consideration and risked calling the National Visa Center as soon as they opened this morning. I say "risk" because I was worried that if I got more bad news, that I'd be distracted and cranky on my LONG day of conference calls today. When I realized I was going to be more distracted not knowing, I dialed.

The lady on the phone asked all the usual questions... I could hear her clicking away on her keyboard. When she asked for the beneficiary's name, I was sure she was about to tell me -- again -- that they only show our 2005 case in the system. My heart sunk. I heard more clicking, then she asked MY name. I immediately realized she was confirming what she was seeing on the screen.

Her next question was "How can I help you?" I was confused for a second, thinking: Lady, I just asked you for the status of my I600. I replied that I wanted a status update and she said it was logged in yesterday.

I realize these details are beyond tedious for anyone not familiar with the process, but I swear, as soon as I hung up the phone, I thought to myself that this kind of joy at a minor step must be what a pregnant woman thinks/feels when she feels her baby kick for the first time.

He'll be home soon and I'm soooo happy about it!

Still waiting

2009-03-07T21:31:00.003-05:00

I'm seriously TIRED. OF. WAITING.

I can't believe how long it's taking Max's papers to leave the National Visa Center. In my months of obsessing over timelines, this is one step that seems to just fly by for everyone. This is so NOT where I was expecting to find a delay.

If you're not intimately acquainted with the international adoption process, the Cliff's Notes version is that you have lots of paperwork from two governments to deal with. Some papers are approved on both sides independent of one another, but Korea needs to receive final clearance from the U.S. at this point before Max can have his visa physical and be scheduled for travel.

We are so close, yet really feeling so far right now.

We spent the day making great progress on the nursery. It's really starting to look like a baby's room again and I am in LOVE with the crib bedding I got for Max. I am fairly certain I can find any Pottery Barn Kids product I could ever need on Ebay... and almost on demand. So far, I've gotten Max's quilt, bumper, pillow sham, bed skirt, and matching valances all for way less than half of what I would have paid in the store. For my scrappy friends, every time I look at the pattern, it makes me think of a yummy Two Sisters digi kit! The colors are perfection and provided at least one day's distraction from my total obsession with our paperwork.

We got to go out to dinner last night with just Kim and Ted for literally the first time in years last night. We almost always just stay at one of our houses while the kids play. We can only think of one other meal in a restaurant that we've had together in the nearly four years Sam's been home. Hard to believe! It was soooo nice to go out for Mexican food (our mutual favorite) and margaritas while the kids happily played at church. Ironically enough, the family that sat down behind us at the restaurant had two little Korean boys with them!

So far, my Lenten sacrifice of all digiscrap purchases has technically been going well, but it has been a LONG week. One of my pastor's gave me the whole reason behind not observing Lent on Sundays when I was at Bible study this week... I'm still trying to decide if I want to look anywhere tomorrow, or just hold off. I will say that I'm getting a ton more scrapping done now that I'm not spending so much time just staring at all the pretty things in various digi shops. I've also got tons of CT stuff to work with, so I'm by no means truly deprived. I've been quite happy this week getting to play with Karah Fredricks' newest stuff. She had a "bring a friend to work" guest CT this month, and my buddy Keely asked me to join them for March. I am going to be very, very quiet in the forum toward the end of the month and hope that Karah doesn't notice that I'm still hanging around. ;-)

Baby News

2009-02-26T08:18:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was one of those days... I have heard lots of adoptive parents say over the years that just when you think you can't take waiting any longer, something in the process gives.

I was probably even more anxious yesterday about our wait for travel than I was for a match back in December. I can provide some context by explaining that I obsess over the stats of where other families are in process on the Holt message board. It's really the only glimpse, however unscientific, you have as to how things are moving within various agencies.

We were quite surprised to learn Max's emigration permit had been approved in Korea in January. We'd just gotten his American immigration application sent over not a week before that, so we were just convinced the universe was totally working in our favor (not that we don't believe that now...) and that Max was going to be home in record time.

(I sound rather composed about all of this don't I? That's because I'm typing this two weeks after the fact, when my kitchen is done, I have running water and Sam's moved into a new room. By no means are we totally ready right now, but we are positively light years ahead of where we were on that particular day.)

We tried to be patient waiting for the I600 approval. I saw other families in New Jersey report getting theirs very quickly. I thought I'd get a letter last week and have been virtually pouncing on the poor mail guy the instant he darkens my doorstep. I had no luck for days on end, then got a letter with the appropriate postmark on it on Saturday morning. I squealed, opened it, and read a form letter indicating that USCIS had received our application and would process it.

"Please expect 10 weeks for approval from date of receipt."

Oh, and don't even bother calling before then.

I freaked. My stress level went way up and I had a hard time thinking of anything else for the next few days.

Yesterday, I woke up just feeling like it *had* to be approved and maybe we'd somehow missed the letter. Well, when the mail came and was nothing but junk, I decided I was going to call the office anyway, but that I'd wait till the 3 hour window opened every Wednesday afternoon for freakishly hyper parents like myself to try to get through to an officer.

I tried and tried when I wasn't on conference calls. I tried searching online. I tried to dig up the number for a specific agent in Newark that is legendarily awesome. Nothing.

I called Rob and begged him to get home before the window closed so I could take a conference call and so he could try calling, too. I heard him upstairs rooting through papers and he asked me one question (can't recall what it was) before I could hear him talking to someone.

He came down the stairs and I put my phone on mute, prepared to get whatever news he had. He said nothing and started out the door to go get Sam. I hissed at him to tell me what happened and he replies, "Everything's fine. We were approved today."

I don't know how he managed to be so deadpan. Really. The man could be a guard at the Tower of London, I'm now convinced.

So, that's all a long way of saying we're a huge step farther ahead and definitively closer to having our baby home where he belongs.

Sorry the story got so long. I guess it's not surprising... I use this blog mainly to capture my thoughts from time to time, though, so I don't usually write focused on who's reading. I save that for work. :-)

Other than just the facts of where we're at, I can also now officially say that this wait has been WAY harder than I thought it would be. I managed to stay occupied while the house was in disarray, but I must have been planning for the baby to arrive as soon as life started to get back to normal. Every day that we wait just seems FOREVER.

I confess to wrestling with all of the emotions that surfaced years ago when we were in process and adopting Sam. I see so many people be able to build families in blissful ignorance to how hard it can be for others. I can't blame them and truly envy that. I wouldn't change for one second what we've been through and what has come of it, but I still fight the bitterness and questions of the struggle that are part and parcel of adopting.

I heard a story recently of someone I know and respect who said of adoption (clearly not around me) that she couldn't understand why anyone who can't have children "of their own" would ever adopt. She claimed every single thing that I HATE about the lack of awareness some seem to have. She said you can't love an adopted child the same way and that people who can't give birth are completely crazy to adopt from other countries. I can't put into words how hurtful it was to hear this, even third or fourth hand. I don't know that I'll ever be able to look at her the same way again. Actually, I know I won't. There was more to the comments, but I can't even give them justice by repeating them.

I know that most of this pain will magically dissipate the instant I get to hold Baby Max in my arms and see him with his Daddy and big brother. I just struggle more on some days than others and wish with all my heart that it could just *happen* without the waiting and the anxiousness and the publicness that it must have. I know a lot of pregnant people right now and think rather wistfully of the "luxury" (in my mind) of not finding out what sex your baby might be or not sharing the news until you're in a safe period.

I don't want to sound like I begrudge anyone the happiness and joy pregnancy and children bring. I don't. I just suppose I need to deal with some toxic emotions before they bug me too much more.

That brings me, in a very roundabout way, to my Lenten sacrifice. Last year, I focused very intentionally on prayer and devotions, but with all I've been feeling lately, I felt like I really needed an exercise in faithful sacrifice to realign my priorities. I think it will be a good reminder for me to remember Who is with me through all of this and what the ultimate reward really is.

I thought long and hard about what daily pleasure and habit would make an impact and decided not to buy any scrapping supplies during Lent. I do have plenty with which to work to actually scrap, but the shopping part of this hobby is a HUGE part of it for me. Rather than spend the time poking around on website and blogs looking for new product and sales, I want to be reminded and be more focused on getting myself in the best possible frame of mind and to do additional devotions.

I had a tiny bit of guilt about this since I know so many designers struggle in an economy like this since scrapping isn't exactly a necessity, but I figure I can work harder on marketing for the designers I CT for during this time to somehow cosmically make up for the lack of global income that begins in my PayPal account.

At the rate I seem to post, here's hoping that my next one is about Max's TRAVEL CALL!

I'm behind

2009-02-18T07:46:00.002-05:00

Falling behind. This seems to be the theme of my life right now. I seriously don't think I've ever felt so busy in my entire life.

I like to think I have good reason, but at the end of the day, I still just feel like I can't keep up with myself.

Most of the stuff keeping us busy is good...

The kitchen is almost done. After nearly seven weeks of cooking and eating in our living room and more restaurant food (and the associated calories) than I care to remember, we are thisclose to being able to cook a meal and sit down at an actual table to eat it. At one point last week, when things had slowed down a bit as we waited for some bits and pieces to come in so the contractors could keep working, we practically begged the poor man running the show to install our sink and faucet before the weekend. It sounds minor, but even once we could cook, not being able to rinse anything off pretty much ended our hopes of eating at home. As we said to him, we're not proud, demanding people. We just want to cook an egg. Is that so wrong?!

Drama aside, I am seriously happy with how the whole kitchen turned out. I'm not sure how people manage the details of building an entire house, though, as it felt like a second full-time job at times. We spent a fair amount of money to make these improvements, but we did wait 10 years to do it and it's made me fall in love with my house. I'm seriously convinced I will never leave. I now have a nice kitchen and a finished basement for all the monster truck clutter. If a certain family would get on the stick and move their stuff to a certain address, I could be persuaded to live the rest of my days in this very spot.

The even bigger news of the last month or so is that the paperwork for Baby Max (which has become his full name to practically every person I know) is moving along nicely. I did have a moment last week in which I was CONVINCED he was literally on his way home, but alas, it would appear that paperwork is done in a completely different order than it was in 2005 when Sam came home, and Max's arrival is still most likely a few weeks away. That doesn't stop me from harboring hope that his I600 approval somehow managed to slip by me and that he just needs a quick visa interview and plane ticket to be on his way to where he belongs.

If he were to arrive this week, however, he might have second thoughts and ask to go back from whence he came. Our house still looks like the construction zone it's been for weeks and you would have no idea that Rob and I have invested considerable time and conversation in the creation of rooms for both of our children by looking at the place. (For any editor friends reading, my apologies for <<<< that <<<< ridiculously long sentence.)

Thanks to our dear friends Ted and Kim, we have made serious progress in the baby gear department and have gotten one room upstairs emptied out so that we can start the process of actually making space for an 18 lb. child to sleep. When Ted arrived to help Rob move the queen-sized bed out of the guest room so that we could move my office in there, he regaled us with his own brand of logic and swiftly convinced us that all the monkeying around with the rooms upstairs was unnecessary. (We'd planned to move my office to the guest room; Sam to my office and Max into Sam's room.) Our plans were perfectly sensible until Ted stood in the upstairs landing and basically called us on our obvious lack of spatial relations skills, thereby demonstrating the complete ridiculousness of moving an extra room. So, my office stays put. We'll get a daybed for my dad to sleep in when he visits and Sam will move into a new "big boy" room while Max gets the nursery.

This move is not happening a minute too soon for Sam's taste. He informed me that there is a crack in the wall beneath his current bedroom window and that he just couldn't sleep there anymore. He led me by the hand to show me the offensive flaw, and pointed to a minuscule nail head pop. Hey, we all rationalize in our own ways.

Other tidbits from the last month:

* We will either boycott Ikea for life for their lack of supply of any single suite of furniture with which to decorate Sam's room... Or we will cave and realize that despite how ticked off we are right now, the Heimdal and Hemnes furniture designs are still the best deal around when it comes to kid furniture. Seriously. Rob despises having to go to Ikea, yet we've been there three times in seven days and have nothing but a random set of twin bed slats to show for it.

* Franklin is officially the most neurotic dog on the planet. We've always known he was easily spooked. I also quickly realized that I could not leave the house during construction lest he completely freak out at every random person and tool that darkened our doorstep. Five weeks into the process, the poor guy had had enough and had what I have now learned was a cluster seizure (five seizures in 15 min.) He was given a Xanax prescription to get him through the duration of the project and will be transitioned to another, milder anti-anxiety drug in order to prevent another episode when Baby Max arrives. Something tells me he will be the least excited of anyone in our house at a new child joining our family.

* Sam is still making great progress on the caffeine solution we started and got a glowing pre-K report from his teacher. He still has issues with episodes of silliness at school, but his handwriting is downright legible now and he is actually reading words to us without prompting. He's also turned out to be a stunningly talented Wii bowler and boxer. My hopes of him getting a college scholarship have shifted thusly. I'm sure that by the time he needs to enter university, someone will have recognized the talent he has and will bankroll his Ivy League education solely based on his ability to throw a Wii Turkey.

New Creative Team

2009-01-20T08:25:00.003-05:00

Meredith Cardall, a scrapper turned designer that I have admired for a long time put out a call a couple of weeks ago for some new creative team members. I was thrilled that she asked me to join her team! They're such a nice, fun group...and we get to play with super cute scrap stuff. A perfect deal all around. You can check out her shop here.

I'm totally excited, too, today to watch all of the Inaugural festivities. I am camped out at the downstairs desk so I can watch everything while I catch up on email and some writing projects. I am sure I will blog later with my thoughts from the day. I already got chills once when I saw the first shots of the people gathered on The Mall in DC. This seems like a day that, no matter what your political bent is, we will be telling our children and grandchildren about for years to come.

One of my first thoughts today was that Sam doesn't really realize how important today is, but he knows we're excited. In some respects, I think it's great that he will grow up never knowing that the color of your skin can be a barrier to certain jobs. I didn't choose a name for him that easily follows the title "Senator" for no reason!

Nesting

2009-01-17T16:33:00.002-05:00

I'm quickly figuring out that doing the preparation required to welcome a young child into your home is harder when you already have another young child in your house. Duh.

As it turns out, Sam isn't really that interested in crib bedding or any of the other stuff that's needed to get Max's room ready. Why that surprises me is beyond me. Understandably, the only part of this particular phase of preparation that captures Sam's attention is the one in which he gets a new big boy bed that doubles as a fort.

I wish there were a simpler way to make all this happen. When Sam came home, not only did we not have another kid to entertain, we also didn't have all that much stuff living in the room that was to be his. In this case, we have stuff to shift around in three different rooms. Considering one is currently my office, it's no small undertaking. I shudder to think of the hassle that will begin once I need to get MCI and Verizon both out to rewire my new office all while the final phase of the kitchen remodel is taking place.

***

On a more serious note, I'm just plain sad today. A friend of our dear friends Kim and Ted has been fighting cancer for over a year. He has had numerous complications, but I have prayed for so long that a miracle would come their way. Sadly, J passed away last night. If you could, please pray that his family can find some comfort and healing right now. He has two young children and a wife, in addition to numerous friends and USAF collegues, who will miss him terribly.

Dining ala NOLA

2009-01-15T18:21:00.004-05:00

See that lovely photo? That's pretty much what I saw when I entered a famed New Orleans eating establishment last night for dinner. I'm pretty sure I'm scarred for life.

I was in New Orleans for work this week. Since my friend and coworker Jeff hails from the city, he was nice enough to make sure I got the full experience while there. No touristy restaurants for us. Nope, we planned to eat REAL NOLA food this week.

First stop? Some place right outside of downtown that was supposed to be famous for barbecued shrimp. Sounded yummy to me. I love shrimp and, being from Kansas City, I was sure I knew what the word barbecued meant.

Not so much. As it turns out, New Orleanians somehow think sticking shrimp in a pan, covering it with STICKS of butter and tons of garlic and then roasting it in the oven somehow qualifies as barbecue. Far be it for me to judge, though, so I adjusted my expectations and waited for the dish to be served. I was a bit surprised that our waiter tied a paper bib around my neck before the shrimp arrived. I eat shrimp pretty regularly and have never felt the need for that level of wardrobe protection.

I quickly figured out the reason for the bib when two bowls of fully intact shrimp came to the table. Now, I've seen shrimp with the legs and shells still on. I know all about peel-and-eat shrimp and always manage to avoid eating it. The closest I come to needing to remove my meal from it's original habitat is cracking an egg for breakfast.

Imagine my surprise, then, when the bowl contained shrimp with not just legs and shells, but also heads and eyeballs. And whiskers that were so long they draped over the side of the bowl. I stared at my dish and quickly decided I had enough extra meat on my body to make it till morning without eating.

Jeff, gentleman that he is, rolled up his sleeves and took care of the peeling for both of us. It was nice. He would do all the yucky stuff (laughing at my prissiness the whole time) and deposit completely peeled shrimp on my plate. I noticed a dark line down the back of my shrimp and was afraid that it might be shrimp poo, so I took care of removing that. Jeff found it hysterical that I would assume shrimp came with poop on their backs, but it turns out I was RIGHT. Ew. Word to the wise: deveining shrimp is a fancy way of saying you're taking off the shrimp's intestines that still are filled with fishy fecal matter.

So... after this little experience, I was all too happy to eat hotel food for the next 36 hours or so. Well, last night, my boss was with Jeff and I and decides that we should go out in search of good jambalaya. Jeff proceeds to pile us into his car and take us deep into the French Quarter to a local spot that was supposed to have the best jambalaya in the city.

We checked out the menu, then stepped inside to eat. I was the first one through the door and exclaimed, "Look at the cute little dog" as we walked in. It was rather dim in the restaurant, and I thought that I was looking at a small terrier dog. I realized a second later that it was actually a kitten that lived there.

Weird, I thought. I also wondered aloud (as did Marty and Jeff) how a restaurant manages to pass health inspection when a feline takes up residence in the front window. Well... that should have been the least of my concerns.

I thought this cat was a dog because it appeared to have whiskers that were all fluffy on it's face. Jeff looked more closely and realized the whiskers were actually the front and back end of a mouse sticking out of the cat's mouth.

Ew.

I am pretty sure I became nothing but a blur as I exited the restaurant as fast as my legs could carry me. Now, the whole place was about as big as my living room. It did not go unnoticed that I was not happy to have encountered a rodent on my way into dinner. Jeff grabbed me and drug me back in, saying "it's fine.. .they ran off." Well, by the time I got back inside (and I'm still not sure why I agreed to go back in in the first place) the cat and mouse were back, and the cat dropped the mouse at my feet. I completely freaked and went outside again.

As chivalrous as Jeff's shrimp cleaning gesture was, he and Marty decided this mouse was no big deal, and stayed inside. Seeing as I don't know this city well, I pretty much had to suck it up and go back inside. I sat there like a grumpy little girl, refusing to open my menu and keeping my feet propped up under the table lest the little critters decide to play near me again. I did end up eating the best shrimp creole I've ever had, but I am sure I will never forget that experience.

I'm pretty sure Jeff and Marty realize in retrospect that I will also never let them forget that they made me stay.

And, to mark the occasion, I'll also note here that today is four weeks since we were matched with Max. One month down, two or more to go. I had a feeling the first month would pass quickly and it actually has. I think it will only get harder from here.

Max's new crib bedding arrived today and it's cuter than the picture on the Pottery Barn Kids website would have you know. I am even more pleased now than I was last week when I found an amazingly cheap deal on Ebay to buy it!

The Word

2009-01-08T07:34:00.002-05:00

Your Word is "Peace"

You see life as precious, and you wish everyone was safe, happy, and taken care of.

Social justice, human rights, and peace for all nations are all important to you.

While you can't stop war, you try to be as calm and compassionate as possible in your everyday life.

You promote harmony and cooperation. You're always willing to meet someone a little more than halfway.

What's Your Word?

According to the online version of a Magic-8 ball (aka blogthings) I have apparently chosen the wrong word for 2009. Not that I don't enjoy peace any way I can get it, but I think I'm going to stick with "focus" this year. Not to get too deep into a silly internet quiz, but I think trying to stay focused is what will bring me peace.

The kitchen saga continues. I'm viewing every inevitable delay and drama as the silver lining to the maddening wait to bring Max home. It's hard to know he's living with someone else and nothing but red tape stands between us. Well, red tape and a huge ocean and maybe a continent or two. I digress...

The kitchen. It's still a big, ugly hole. The very first "uh oh" moment came when we discovered the wall that was meant to be removed, thereby giving us enough space to entertain more than one guest at a time, was home to the HVAC ducts that go to our room and the nursery. Lots and lots of discussion and math (and you can imagine how well I did with that one) and we ended up routing one duct through the floor and are leaving one where it is. As it turns out, there was an error on the CAD drawing of the kitchen, and we never could have taken the wall back as far as we thought we could. At least not without having a giant black refrigerator sticking out, making it the first thing you'd see when you entered our house. Not exactly the aesthetic we were going for.

So... imagine this. Now we wait some more. What a novel concept for the Becker family.

There is still work being done, but the cabinets that were ordered in early October and should have arrived by Thanksgiving are now not coming until January 23rd. Nice, huh? Luckily, the nice guys working in our house are continuing to do everything that can be done and have simply decided to finish everything else, and hang the cabinets as the final touches. I guess the real finishing touch will be the backsplash, which clearly can't be done until the cabinets are in.

On a more somber, personal note, I've spent a great deal of time lately reflecting on how fragile life is. While we are feeling over the moon at the impending arrival of our son, I feel like I am almost constantly hearing of bad news from people I know. It's sobering to feel almost giddy with excitement one minute, only to recall the numerous others that we know (not to mention so many we obviously don't) who need miracles right now.

Life in a Construction Zone

2009-01-05T07:38:00.002-05:00

The day finally arrived when Rob and I had to completely dismantle our kitchen and prepare to live like scavengers for a few weeks while our shiny new kitchen is built. It was not a fun way to end our vacation... We've spent hours going through everything we've ever put in our kitchen this weekend and figuring out how to safely stow it and/or move it to be used while the dust flies. Suffice it to say that I'm already not loving the microwave being a fixture in my living room.

A few lessons I've learned thus far:

1. It is possible to be too organized. I learned this when I came downstairs to make coffee yesterday morning at 6:30 a.m. We have a "brew station," which means no carafe with which to pour water into the tank of the coffee pot. Normally we use the sprayer from the sink. Clearly that's not an option in the living room, next to the fish bowl. No problem. I'll just use a pitcher. EXCEPT every pitcher or other fluid-holding device I own is neatly boxed up and stored in the dining room now. And of course, the boxes are practically hermetically sealed, lest my husband face one extra speck of dust whilst the house is renovated.

2. Starbucks thermal travel mugs are taller than your average coffee cup. The brew station is very convenient. No carafe to break (when you're not ticked off that you also don't have it for pouring.) No burnt coffee. You can just position your coffee mug right under the spout and within seconds have a freshly brewed cup-of-awakeness. EXCEPT when the two handy travel mugs you've kept out to use as your sole coffee drinking devices for approximately six weeks are about two inches too tall to fit under the spout. Again, no problem. I'll just use another mug or measuring cup to dispense my coffee. Wait. That's right. Those are packed away, too. (This is WAY annoying on a Sunday morning when you're up early with a child and can also smell the caffeinated goodness, but can't have any till you find a container for it.)

3. You can't dry your hair and brew coffee when the coffee pot is plugged into the dangerous outlet in the living room. (Do you notice that all of my crises thus far deal with coffee? Hmm. Perhaps I should reassess my New Year's resolution. Yeah, no.) I blew a circuit twice this morning while drying my hair. I dry my hair here every day. That doesn't normally happen. It's only happened when my sister is here and spends longer than usual drying her very long hair. My short hair is usually done in under three minutes. Not too much stress on the circuits. Apparently, though, it is stressful for those circuits to brew a measly six cups of coffee while I'm drying my hair. Note to self: get up even earlier now so that hair can be dried before Rob needs coffee. Or go buy Rob extra Dunkin' Donuts cards and send him on his way about six minutes earlier each morning.

4. The inconveniences of a major renovation are more interesting to a scrapbooker than to a fantasy football nut. See, my major hobby allows me to find the fun in all of this (when I'm properly caffeinated, that is) and snap dozens of photos of all of the mayhem that has become our home life. I can think of fun scrapbook pages to design (and kits to buy!) all based on the noise and dust that come with a new kitchen. If your hobby is fantasy football, you're hard pressed to find such a correlation and simply find all of this ridiculously stressful. See, Rob? Scrapbooking is good for my health.

And finally...

5. Soup is a great meal to keep on hand when you have nothing but a microwave and TV trays to support your dinner-eating habit. The trick is remembering that you will most likely need a bowl. And a spoon. Preferably NOT packed into the boxes in the dining room. And it's best if you figure this fact out before you've heated your dinner.

This is the year...

2009-01-01T18:35:00.003-05:00

Of course I've already realized that 2009 promises to be a big year for our family, but it dawned on me today how significant some of the changes are bound to be in ways that I hadn't thought about yet...

I think that I've been so focused on getting matched that I haven't pondered some of the details until the news really began to sink in. I've also been mentally geared toward a forever family that included a girl. For the record... that really does not mean either Rob or I had a preference about the gender of our child. It just appeared after years of watching the Holt referrals that #2 was a girl at least 75%. While I must admit that I'd come to like the notion of shopping for girly clothes, my daydreaming pretty much ended there. Ten years or so ago, I would never have dreamed how our family has turned out... I've learned so many lessons about what you CAN'T plan on or control, and I am absolutely convinced that God has blessed me with exactly the family I was meant to have.

All of that is to say that I've started to ponder the finer points of the new journey that's ahead now that we know Max is our son. Some of those details are big -- like how life will be for Sam with a little brother to influence and enjoy. Some of the details are small -- like our wonder about whether or not Sam's clothes will fit his little brother.

The biggest detail that is really starting to settle in is that our family will be complete in 2009. I always knew we would have two kids. I was even more sure of that fact as it became clear that we weren't getting any younger as the process evolved along the way. But, now that I really think about it, there's something profound in just knowing that your family is complete. When I look back, at least fifteen years of my life (if not more) have been somehow affected by the creation of our family. Rob and I knew we'd get married and had the usual conversations about all of the "what ifs" from an early point in our relationship. Then we got married and the conversation turned to when we'd start having kids (we were always a year away in our minds!) Most of the rest of the story is history by now. The first pregnancy was a surprise in more ways than I like to recall... From there, we learned many difficult lessons, but we also found the true strength in our relationship with one another and the faith that maybe God had another plan for us.

That's my deep thought to begin 2009! It sounds simple to say that Max completes us, but I'm happily discovering what it really means to say that. The best part of it is feeling like we're finally switching gears from spending so much of our lives waiting to spending our time fully focused on each other.

That brings me to a random point that fellow die-hard scrappers/crafters will understand. I wasn't originally all that interested in the whole "word of the year" conversation, but the more I read about the concept, the more I decided having a word to guide my year might be more significant than planning yet another New Year's resolution. Not that you're waiting with breath held, but the word I decided fits for this year is FOCUS.

I want to focus on simplifying my life so that I can focus on what really matters. I want to focus on the priorities that make my life meaningful, and stop worrying about finding time to do things that aren't enhancing my life or someone else's. Luckily, I still think scrapping fits squarely into this category. More importantly, I hope it will belp guide my decisions when I find myself running in too many directions when all I really want is to be home with my boys, and giving Sam (and soon Max) as much attention as I can while they're still little enough to want to soak it up.

That said, Sam's just emerged from his own person Geotown (aka the new basement playroom) and requested some "cuddle time." I can't say no to that.

Max's first page

2008-12-21T19:04:00.003-05:00

I was literally beginning to obsess over what kit to use for Max's first scrap page. I didn't have this problem with Sam because he was here long before I began to scrap, so there wasn't quite so much (clearly self-induced) pressure. In the end, I went with Melissa's suggestion of Kasia's Love is Blue kit. It's not necessarily a baby kit, but is perfect for a baby boy page.

The reality that we actually have another child on the way is starting to sink in. I bought Max a stocking this weekend as well as his first few Christmas presents. I'm trying to find the balance of wanting to document that we love him and were thinking of him at Christmas even though we can't be together and not making an already intangible situation even harder for Sam to grasp.

Sam is intellectually aware of who Max is, but he seems to be struggling a bit with the whole he's-actually-going-to-live-with-us detail. If we bring it up, he says that "I don't want to talk about that right now." He also still thinks poor Max is just hanging out on a passenger jet somewhere, waiting to come home. In the end, I think that he's just basically struggling to figure out how this all works. If you think about it, it's kind of hard to expect a four-year-old to understand that his brother is a picture on the computer right now and that while everyone is over the moon with excitement, we won't actually get to meet this little person for several more months.

The cool part of Sam being old enough to talk about what's going on is that we can explain to him that everyone felt this way when we found out about him, too. We talk to him about all the calls we made when we were matched with him and how we counted the days until he came home. Even a Sunday School teacher today recalled that Mommy used to walk around carrying a picture of him that ended up in tatters from all the showing off I did. He just smiled when he heard that story.

A few people have asked how I'm going to manage the months between now and when Max can come home. Yes, it's incredibly frustrating and sad to know that our son is with another family, on another continent right now and that only red tape and mountains of paper stand between us. Rather than wallow in what I can't change, though, I'm focusing on really enjoying the time that we still have as a little family of three. I want to savor the last days of being able to give all of my attention to Sam.

Big Oops

2008-12-21T08:39:00.003-05:00

I'm realizing this morning my first major mistake in my parenting of little Max. Lots of people have heard me wax poetic about the meanings of the names I give my children. One of my chief criteria for names has been at least part of the name needs to connote the gratitude I feel to God for giving us the opportunity to have such a beautiful family.

Lovely, right?

Well... I've been operating under a very mistaken assumption about Max's name for quite some time. I don't know where I got my faulty info., but I always thought Owen meant "gift of God." That seemed perfect and was the deciding factor for his middle name.

As it turns out, Owen actually means "well-born." He's already Maxwell Owen to me, so his name won't change, but I've been pondering all morning the "new" meaning of this name.

Two thoughts come to mind. We always want our kids to have a special place in their hearts for their birth mothers. It was out of unspeakable love that those women made the choices they did, so it's very appropriate to call Max "well-born." We also want our kids to grow up knowing they are children of God first and foremost, so, again that name still works.

I feel better getting the mistake off my chest. I feel a scrap page about my idiocy and subsequent epiphany coming on, though!

Worth the Wait!

2008-12-19T12:42:00.003-05:00

Apparently all the adoption wives' tales about your call coming the minute you think you can't take any more waiting are actually true!

After 66 weeks, we received the referral of Maxwell Owen Tae Min yesterday at 3:47 p.m. Oddly, when the phone finally rang, I didn't jump immediately thinking that this was THE call.

I was at a meeting in Atlanta most of the week, and got special dispensation to keep my phone out and on during the sessions. Someone remarked that it was amusing that every time I talked -- which I tend to do with my hands -- I did it clutching my BlackBerry. In some ways, I didn't want the call to come while I was away from Rob and Sam. In others, I just wanted the call at any time!

Well, when I woke up yesterday morning, I thought to myself (somewhat cynically, I suppose) that I'd probably miss the call while I was in the air flying home. Of course, I checked my voicemail as soon as I landed, and moped off the plane, prepared to wait even until after Christmas for the call.

I was supposed to be taking Sam to a "Santa Jump" at Pump It Up last night, but have a really nasty sinus infection and could barely breathe yesterday. I ended up apologizing profusely, but telling him that we'd go to Toys R Us and pick out a new truck documentary and have a quiet movie night at home last night. It was en route to Toys R Us when my phone rang. I was just about the turn into the parking lot when I heard the phone. I tapped the little button on my Bluetooth, only to realize I'd lost the connection. I contemplated just calling whoever it was once I was parked, but still ended up grabbing the phone thinking it might be Kim. Isn't it amazing how many thoughts can go through my little brain in such a short span of time?!

When I picked up the phone, I also didn't look at the Caller ID... again, weird for me. When I heard the agency director identify herself, I immediately knew that I needed to pull over. I nearly wrecked the van when she agreed that it would be best if I was parked before she told me what she was calling about.

And so it went... We didn't have the experience of an out-of-the-blue call with Sam, and the surprise and joy were everything I imagined they'd be. I managed to keep from crying on the phone, but that could have been because I was taking down notes and actually processing the fact that we were matched with a son. I was really, truly expecting a girl match, though I'd always known we couldn't bet on what the outcome would be.

Korea no longer allows the vast majority of families to request gender, but we impressed upon our social worker at the time that we were not disappointed with that change and that we genuinely didn't have a preference. I had convinced myself in watching the other referrals that it would be a girl, but I really knew I'd be happy with either. I felt like we'd get matched with the child God intended us to have, and that's just what happened.

Sam was in the backseat during the call, of course, and was mildly excited for a few seconds before he realized where we were. Then he only cared about getting into Toys R Us. I felt like it was my first lesson in being a mommy of two. I wanted nothing more than to go home and see the pictures of our son, but Sam would have freaked, so we did our shopping before meeting Rob at home to see the photos.

We'd considered a short list of names for a while, but ended up going with one that, while on the list, probably wasn't the leader for most of the time. When we saw our little guy's face, he just didn't look like some of the other names, but he did look like Max to us. He sort of looks like a sweet, serious, little old man to me and that name just worked. I also like that it goes so well with Sam.

His birth mother did give him his Korean name, so we are absolutely keeping it as part of his name. I searched yesterday evening for a name that meant the same thing as the name she chose, but couldn't find a good American name that means "pretty" or "pretty rock." It's a stretch, but I did read one translation of Maxwell to mean "capable," and since his birthmom wanted him to be "a strong, healthy, happy baby," (a quote that was in his file) we felt like Max still honored that. Owen loosely translates to "gift of God," too, which was important to us.

Sam has adjusted to the news about like I thought he would. He likes to talk about the baby to some degree, and even mentioned that he had a baby in Toys R Us right after the call, but also has moments of not wanting to talk about it and seeming worried.

I've reassured him, after being questioned, that we would certainly love him every bit as much now as we did before Max. I told him that mommies and daddies have special hearts that allow them to grow as much as they need to in order to hold all the love they have for all of their babies.

After hearing that, he was a bit happier about wearing his big brother shirt and was quite chatty with the dentist and his teachers at school about "his baby." He does, however, still seem to think Max is already on a plane. We'll work on that one, or else the next few months will REALLY be long ones.

Keeping my mind occupied

2008-12-12T07:25:00.003-05:00

It's too early for the phone to ring, so I'll play this (from Rachel Young's blog.)

GAME RULES:

1. Put your music player on shuffle (ALL MUSIC).
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy doing the game as well as the person you got the game from.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OK" YOU SAY:
God Speed (Sweet Dreams) -- The Dixie Chicks

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Barricades and Brickwalls -- Kasey Chambers

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
The Good Stuff -- Kenny Chesney

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
I Am A Man of Constant Sorrow -- Soggy Bottom Boys (now this is sad)

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Something's Gotta Change -- David Phelps

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Bad Day -- Daniel Powter

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Life is a Church -- David Phelps

WHAT IS 2 + 2?
Hollaback Girl -- Gwen Stefani (this made me laugh out loud...for more than one reason!)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Feel Like I Do -- Eric Lindell

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
You're My Better Half -- Keith Urban (how apropos!)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Flyswatter/Ice Water Blues -- Lyle Lovett (huh?)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
I Can Drink the Water (Live) -- Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Home -- Daughtry

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
New Shoes -- Paolo Nutini

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
The Remedy (I Won't Worry) - Jason Mraz

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
I've Got to Be Clean -- Guster (For the Kids) (all of my work friends are cracking up right now... I'm a hotel germophobe!)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Whiskey River -- Sheryl Crow

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
My Sanctuary -- Marc Cohn (great song...weird answer)

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
On My Feet Again -- Jonny Lang

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Sexuality -- k.d. lang (uh oh)

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Thin Line -- Indigo Girls

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
It Hurts Me, Too -- Eric Clapton (this one was bound to work since half my iPod is blues)

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Noisy Head -- Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Secret Agent -- the Backyardigans (maybe I have an admirer??)

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
I've Fallen in Love With You -- Joss Stone (this one makes me sad, too... Not true!)

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Where the Devil Don't Stay -- Drive By Truckers

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
I'm Letting Go -- Francesca Battistelli

Now you try!

No Call Today

2008-12-11T18:17:00.004-05:00

Another referral came through today (a little boy born in June) for a homestudy in mid-December. I figure we MUST be in the pile of people they are looking at for the new referrals coming through. It really has got to be any day now.

I've clearly crossed some sort of threshold in terms of my ability to remain calm and patient. I am convinced at this point that I won't be getting a call tomorrow, but rather next week when I'm on an airplane or in a meeting. Everyone in Atlanta knows that I will be keeping my cell phone right next to me and will bolt out for a call that is from a few key area codes. I would REALLY rather be home with Rob and Sam when the call comes, but I'd also rather it be sooner rather than later.... so, that's a long way of saying, I just want the call. I'm no longer picky about the particulars.

It would be kind of interesting to get the news while at the home office. I was a bit of a nudge getting policy changed for our entire organization that ensures adoptive parents can take family medical leave (and use their medical leave pay when doing so.) ACS came through with a really fair, balanced and generous policy. I am told, maybe jokingly, that the HR dept. calls it the "Karen Becker policy" behind closed doors. I just might drag my boss over to that department to say thanks in person if the call comes while I'm there.

I also do think Rob and I have decided on our top two names (one for boy, one for girl.) I'll leave that little bit of suspense hanging in the air until we get the news. Both names carry a variation of the meaning "God is gracious" which is perfect. The boy's name is not quite as decided as the girl's, but I have a feeling that in the end we will make the final call based on meaning. We have had a long road to children in the first place, and the addition of this child will mean our family is complete. No matter how we look at it, we are in agreement that all of the wait and heartache along the way have been because we are being matched with the child God meant for us.

Tagged

2008-12-11T08:34:00.002-05:00

I don't think I've ever been tagged on someone else's blog before, but Melissa knows I read her daily Camden and Rory escapades, so she must have known I'd be happy to oblige. :-) And besides, I realize not everyone else is walking around with their phone literally attached to them, waiting for a special call... which I imagine means more news from me about how quiet that phone has been could begin to get boring.

Six Things That Make Me Happy

1. Listening to Sam break into song now that he's memorized a slew of holiday songs for his preschool concert. My favorite is listening to him sing "Hooray for Hanukkah!"

2. The fact that my basement will be completely renovated in time for Christmas morning. Sam will not only have the Geotrax he has his heart set on, but a whole new room of the house in with to play with them!

3. Working downstairs with my laptop so I can simultaneously enjoy CNN and my beautiful Christmas tree.

4. Knowing that I'm married to the kindest, smart and most dedicated guy I know.

5. The number of new photos that I have, waiting to be scrapped, and the notion that I finally have some time off from work to spend scrapping them.

6. Mint truffle Hershey Kisses. Seriously. Try them. And then forget it was me who told you about them when you are looking for someone to blame.

I'm also going to take the liberty of adding here that I'm also grateful that Baby Will and Bob P. are both getting stronger every day.

I'll tag Kim, Shelley, Nancy, Kelli and Kate. If you don't blog, you can use Facebook. Who doesn't love reading about happiness at this time of year?! :-)

List Watch

2008-12-10T06:48:00.002-05:00

I just checked the Holt board again to see that FOUR girl matches have been made in the last 24 hours. Two of them were January homestudies; one was a MARCH homestudy; one didn't note a date.

I think I might actually be about to go off the deep end. I really think I am going to lose if we aren't matched soon! I feel like I can't think about anything else!! I know that sounds melodramatic, but I know my fellow adoptive moms/dads know what I mean. The long months of uncertainty are mentally exhausting to me and I'm getting so sad at the thought that, while my baby is born, I don't know who he/she is and might not even have that information by Christmas. It's sad enough that we won't be together over the holidays, but not even having information and a confirmed match is really depressing to me.

Oddly enough, the glimmer of hope in all of this is that I've often heard adoptive families say that as soon as they feel like they can't wait any longer... the call comes.

I sure hope that's true. I'm ready.

Movement!

2008-12-09T06:00:00.002-05:00

I just checked the Holt board and saw that someone from our agency received their referral yesterday (for a baby girl) whose homestudy was sent to Korea on the same date as ours!!! There appear to be a few people with older homestudies that still aren't matched (for those not familiar with the process, it's not completely chronological) but my stomach did a huge flip when I saw 1/25/08 next to the name on the list! That REALLY means we could we any time now.

We're having dinner with Kim and Ted tonight to celebrate Kim's birthday. I just know that getting a call today would be a PERFECT thing to talk about over dinner. (And don't worry, Kim... If I get a call, I won't leave you hanging until you get here!)

Fun Scrap News

2008-12-04T22:05:00.002-05:00

I've always thought it would be fun to need to scrap an "out for publication" page. I finally got to do it this week! I'm pretty sure Lauren helped things along for me, but I got a sweet note from Digital Artist Magazine that they want to publish a layout of mine called "Adored" in their January issue. That particular month's magazine will focus on love layouts, and the page of mine that they liked is one of my all-time favorites. It's a great, sweet photo of Sam, and it just has a simple bit of journaling about how much his Daddy and I love him.

In other news, my adored child apparently has some sort of radar for when Mommy has a day off from work. I've been *trying* to get things like Christmas shopping, cleaning and preparation for the construction starting next week and generally time to NOT think about work fit into my schedule for a while now. I had three days off before Thanksgiving. Sam had pink eye for two of them.

No biggie. I'll just take the next two Fridays off (I have lots of vacation time to squeeze in before the end of the year) and see what I can get done. Well... The precious little man arrived home from school today feeling kind of warm and sporting a voice that sounded like he'd smoked a pack of cigarettes on the ride home. I can hear him on the monitor now, hacking in his sleep. I feel awful for him, but I must admit I also feel a wee bit bad for myself. I was READY for a day off. We also had planned to go out for dinner with Kim tomorrow night while the boys played at "Saving Grace" night at church.

As it looks now, I'll be quarantined at home yet again. The silver lining, however, is that if tonight is any indication, Sam's not going to be that active tomorrow. He'll want to snuggle on the couch for most of the day... That's certainly not a bad way to spend a day (so long as I don't end up with bronchitis next week!)

A Major Milestone

2008-11-29T08:10:00.002-05:00

See the snazzy haircut on that kid? Rob and I did that ourselves!

Many people know that nothing -- no monster, no ghost, nothing -- instills fear in our child quite like the idea of a haircut.

We've tried every trick we can think of and have even used outright bribery. The best we get is a decent haircut but severely damaged eardrums. Sam screams bloody murder every single time we come even close to Kids Kuts. There's a nice woman there who has come to endure his screams because she knows she's nicely rewarded in the end. You have to tip well when you child occasionally pukes on the person wielding the clippers, after all.

Well, Rob got new clippers for his birthday. We invested in fancy ones now that I'm his main stylist. Sam saw that they're not quite as loud as our old pair, and he decided to brave a home cut. I'm not going to lie. There was whining involved, but no tears and certainly no vomit.

All things considered, I think we did a decent job. Rob is more precise than I am (perhaps because I was the one in front of Sam and would have been the one wearing what was left in his stomach had he freaked out) and went kind of slow, but we got the job done.

I'm partial to little boys with nice, neat haircuts so I hope this is the start of a whole new hair world in our house. It would be so nice to just give a quick trim to both Sam and Rob every ten days or so and know the days of screaming, drooling, trembling and puking salon visits are officially behind us.

Answered Prayers

2008-11-23T21:04:00.002-05:00

We have had a picture of this (now) young lady hanging on our refrigerator for nearly three years now. Her name is Rogette and she had been living in Holt's Fontana Village in Haiti awaiting adoption for quite a few years already when we encountered her story for the first time.

I was immediately drawn to her face. We knew that we were not the right permanent family for her. She had been placed by her own family at a fairly advanced age because they did not have the resources to care for her. I knew that a girl nearing her teen years and having been in an orphanage (no matter how well cared for there) for some time needed a mother, in particular, who could be around much more than I can. I first saw her picture and story not long after I started my current position and realized that a travel schedule like mine would not be a good fit for her. It was also not long after Sam's adoption, and we had not completely finished his transition yet.

So, we began to sponsor her through Holt. On several occasions, we were able to send small gifts and notes to her. I prayed for her daily and have kept her picture in our kitchen all this time. I had heard not long ago via a letter from Holt that a family was interested in adopting her, but it wasn't until an email this week that I had confirmation that she has indeed come home to her forever family in the United States. The latest blog entry says she's doing well and has really settled in there. I get teary just thinking about it. I hope she knows that there must be many families like ours who have prayed for her and are overjoyed to see that she now has a home to call her own.

Early Christmas

2008-11-23T08:28:00.003-05:00

Christmas came a bit early to our house this year. After vacillating for years, we finally got Rob a new laptop for work. He's been using the Social Studies office computer for about seven years now, and nearly every other teacher in his department has caved and purchased a laptop on their own.

We went ahead and got the computer early for him because he has a huge project coming up for Pearl Harbor Day for which he could really use the laptop. He also has a new SmartBoard in his classroom, so he's made a huge leap into the 21st century.

I not-so-secretly despise it when there's not an element of surprise on Christmas morning. I love shopping in secret, hiding the gifts at home and then watching Rob open them up. I feel like there's not much surprise left in life and gift giving is one place in which you can still manage just a bit of it. Oh, well. He's totally happy, and that's all that matters. I'll try to be creative and find a few small things for him to unwrap that don't damage the budget too badly. That concept is pretty much toast anyway, as we'd originally said we'd try to stick to $100 each for gifts. I'm pretty sure the adapter alone for his new Macbook cost that.

Sam had a totally busy day yesterday and is paying for it today. He had a play date in the morning, followed by two birthday parties. He left the house at 10 a.m. and we didn't get home until after 6:30 last night. Today, the hint of a cold he started with is a full-fledged infection. He sounds like he has socks stuffed in his nostrils and every cough makes *me* wince. I kept him home from Sunday School so that he doesn't infect every other kid before Thanksgiving. I'm hoping that a true day of rest will make him feel better, too.

I'm also hoping he's feeling well enough to go to school tomorrow, since I'm on vacation and planning to spend the days before the holiday in the basement, transforming it into a playroom for him. He's only seen the basement in our house a handful of times, so he does not suspect anything as we work down there. He's absolutely dying for a Geotrax train set for Christmas. We're trying to get the basement playroom ready so that after he opens some new Geotrax on Christmas morning, we can take him downstairs and show him the whole new room he has to play in. We also bought a huge starter set of the trains on Ebay (sorry, Kim!) and are going to have those already set up for him when he goes down there.

I apologize again to Kim for even mentioning our delight over finding this great Geotrax deal out loud. As it turns out, the furious bidding war we had in the final moments of this particular auction were against HER. Of all the people anywhere in the world who could have been bidding on that particular set on that particular day, it was Kim and I fighting it out till the finish. The silver lining is that Ethan, too, will benefit. He's one of Sam's favorite playmates and will have lots of time to play downstairs with the new trains. He'd have even more time if Kim and Ted bid on a house in our neighborhood. ;-)

Single Digits

2008-11-19T17:17:00.002-05:00

We are now officially in the top ten on the UNofficial Holt "Waiting for Referral" list! I just peeked in and saw that we are #9 on the list that tracks everyone, regardless of requests for gender. We are #7 on the list of families waiting for either gender or a boy.

This is all very technical and probably boring to anyone not obsessing about our match date... which I admit is nearly everyone else in the world. However, it's very exciting for us. I not-so-secretly hope that we'll be matched with a baby before Christmas.

We typically decorate our Christmas tree with an ornament that somehow represents the "biggest" thing that happened to us that year. (This is a completely stolen idea from my sister-in-law's sister... but she's more creative than me and actually MAKES the ornaments. I'm nowhere near that talented and just buy a close facsimile of and object representing the event we are trying to commemorate.)

This year's ornament, we've decided, needs to be a clock to remind us of all of the waiting we've done. We've waited for a baby. We've waited for our new kitchen. You get the idea. So... you'd think a clock ornament would be easy to find. Not so much. Any ideas?? Maybe I can drag my feet a bit longer and have a new baby ornament to add to the tree instead!

Peppermint Mocha

2008-11-14T07:31:00.002-05:00

Here's the latest installment in our caffeinated child drama. It's still working and we now have a bona fide coffee connoisseur on our hands. He asks what selection of coffee creamers we have for him every morning. He's tried quite a few and has decided that he's a peppermint mocha kind of kid.

This morning, he woke up (quite early, I might add) with some serious sniffles. He asked for milk with his breakfast, but I was leery of giving it to him since I was afraid it would aggravate his asthma if he really is getting sick. I gave him water instead. He told me that water is too boring for breakfast and demanded to know when the coffee would be ready. I replied that it had just finished and asked if he wanted some peppermint mocha. He looked at me with a completely deadpan expression and said, "Of course I do."

Sarcasm and caffeine. Is that the chicken-and-egg scenario we've created for ourselves? Which came first?! Honestly, given both of his parents' brand of "humor" I'm guessing the sarcasm would have reared its head at some point regardless of when he started drinking coffee.

It's just Sam and I for a couple of days at home... Rob is in upstate New York for the Division's Relay For Life leadership summit. It's so weird to be the one at home holding down the fort while he's at Relay meetings! I'm excited to hear how things are going. He's been working his rear end off for months now to launch a very cool program called Heroes of Hope. He gets to introduce 20+ survivor Heroes this weekend and he's totally psyched about it. The committee also chose him as an honorary Hero and he was just beaming when a spiffy embroidered shirt showed up in the mail for him saying so. If I haven't mentioned it lately, I'm quite proud of him. I'm not sure Sam could have ended up with a better specimen of a human being for a father.

Because Rob is out of town, I'm off to the dentist with Sam alone this morning. So far, Sam's taken to having his teeth cleaned far better than say, getting his hair cut. Hopefully this will be an routine appointment for which I will not regret having tackled alone.

The highlight of my day will actually be getting to spend some time in Sam's classroom after the appointment. It's my turn to read to his class. He chose, to my delight, Is There Really A Human Race by Jamie Lee Curtis for me to read. My sister-in-law and her family gave this book to Sam at least a year ago, and it has been read almost nightly ever since. If you have kids and don't have this book, you're missing out. We also love I'm Going To Like Me (also by Ms. Curtis) if you're looking for additional recommendations!

I should sign off and go print the Gap Old Navy Friends and Family discount coupon that the lovely Melissa sent to me last night. Sam has experienced his annual growth spurt in the last few weeks. All of the 3T pants we own are now showing a bit too much ankle for my taste. I'm pretty sure that if I don't go replace his jeans, he'll be wearing capris by Thanksgiving. Since every inch he gains in height is never matched a single inch around the waist, I'm not looking forward to finding 4T pants that will actually stay on his body.

Quotas

2008-11-06T12:13:00.003-05:00

So it turns out that I have been unnecessarily worried about not getting matched with our child this year because of quotas. I caved and asked (ready for the bad news if it was real) on the Holt message board today. I figured someone there would know if we were running into quota time this year.

Because we didn't have this wait for referral when adopting Sam, some of the details about the process get jumbled in my pea brain. The proverbial quota I've been fearing for so long only affects travel once you are matched, not being matched in and of itself.

That actually makes sense, because the government in Korea is ultimately controlling how many children actually leave the country each year. Any matches being made now will definitely not travel until next year, so... we could seriously be matched by Christmas.

I am aware that might be wishful thinking, but I'm still getting my hopes up. I would just love to know at this point if we have a boy or a girl (and a picture would be nice.) I can occupy myself over the holidays by decorating his or her room and getting Sam prepared for the new arrival. It's all so esoteric until you have *something* and I feel like we've been in that limbo for way too long.

That's my good news for the day. Back to my regularly scheduled programming, otherwise known as torturing my husband over baby names. For those of you watching from home, we are about 99% decided on a boy's name now. That probably means we'll be matched with a girl and not have the poor child named until she's almost here.

Movin' on up...

2008-11-05T16:39:00.003-05:00

I checked the Holt referral list today and we're #9 on the list of families waiting for either gender child. SINGLE DIGITS!! I'm reinspired to believe that we WILL have a new baby. It's so easy to get frustrated and start to feel like it's never going to happen...

It is really starting to feel like so much is changing all at once, which is JUST what happened when Sam came home. We have a new president (whom we are hopeful will bring about true grassroots mobilization for the first time in our generation's lives,) our home is changing for the better (demolition should begin soon,) we are about to start switching Sam to his new "big boy" room AND, there is light at the end of the waiting-for-a-referral tunnel!

I've had lots of phone calls today asking me how I'm feeling on this "day after." Unfortunately, I got what I think is food poisoning just after Obama delivered his victory speech last night. Needless to say, I have not enjoyed this day as much as I'd hoped I could.

I will say, however, that I was proud to the point of tears last night. As the parent of a child who will face racism on some level throughout his life, I am simply giddy at the notion that perhaps those barriers are finally crumbling. It's so easy as a Caucasian American to overlook how insidious the problem can be. I truly believe that times are changing as a direct result of the election of Barack Obama.

I have also told quite a few people when asked that I firmly believe that no one person can bring about the change we need. I know lots of people believe all politicians are shady characters on some level. That may be true, but just complaining about it and accepting that as fact will never change things. I want to believe that we may have a new leader who is uniquely gifted in his ability to stir the souls of many, many Americans. If that is true, and if that continues and we don't become complacent (expecting Obama to single-handedly fix some huge problems) I believe that we can actually see real change.

Call me Pollyanna. Call me glass-half-full. Call me naive. No matter what you call me, though, show me a different solution other than people getting involved, because I just can't see one.

My voice was heard

2008-11-04T08:14:00.004-05:00

For a complete news and political junkie like me, today is like the Superbowl and the World Series played at Disneyland all at once. I know plenty of people who are sick of all the political talk (I'm specifically tired of the ads) but I still have plenty of enthusiasm about today.

We got up at 5 a.m. and left the house just after 6 a.m. to vote. We are enthusiastic, yes, but the move was more about self-preservation. Sam really wanted to vote with me and since I recall my mom taking me to the polls (wait, maybe that's what caused all of this *gestures to self like Vanna White*) I wanted to be sure to go at a time that he could come into the booth with me. I had a feeling lines could be long, and no matter how much I want to instill pride in doing your civic duty in my son, I am not prepared to stand in line for hours with him. Remember all the talk about him needing caffeine?!

Sam popped out of bed around 5:45 this morning, ready to put on a blue shirt "because I'm on the blue team, Mommy!"

We snapped a couple of pictures for posterity (and the adorable voter scrap kit burning a hole in my external hard drive) and caravanned over to Thomas Paine Elementary. Now... we vote in nearly every election including all the little local ones a lot of people don't bother with. It's usually a bit like visiting the library: the halls are quiet, people talk in hushed tones and you do what you came to do and get out.

Today was a different story. At 6:12 a.m., it wasn't easy to find a place to park at our polling location. Sam and I parked around the side of the school and got to say good morning to all of the people streaming out ahead of us. The coolest part was that they were all grinning these huge grins. Imagine that! People were totally happy about voting. I can safely say I have never noticed that particular phenomenon before.

Rob ran into an older African-American woman leaving the gymnasium in which we vote. She paused by the "polling center" sign and snapped a quick picture because she was making history today. It's hard not to feel proud about something like that. No matter who you're voting for today, we will make history and that's a very cool thing.

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-31T19:28:00.003-04:00

I have lots of other photos of Sam to upload and edit... The best part of today so far has been that he actually ENJOYED Halloween for the first time. He usually cries and feels self-conscious. This year, he couldn't wait to wear his costume and go to parties.

The downside so far... He arrived home from trick-or-treating at 7ish. I asked why they were home so early and found out from Daddy that he literally laid down on the sidewalk, put his head down and said to Rob he was "too tired to stay out. I need to go home." I have a feeling he'll sleep well tonight! Well, once the sugar wears off.

Soon?

2008-10-21T08:38:00.002-04:00

My heart just did a little leap. I have stayed away from the Holt message boards far more during this wait than I did while we were in process for Sam. I came to realize that it was stressing me out to no end to obsess every single day over how long the process takes... It's a good thing I did make this decision for my sanity this time, seeing as the wait is taking FOREVER.

Well... I just peeked in and checked the very non-official list for referral and see that we are number 11 for a match with either/boy (meaning those people waiting who have not specified a gender preference for their referral.)

I think I might start dancing when we make it to the top 10. All of a sudden, I'm feeling much more hopeful that this will eventually happen! I have been feeling so frustrated and anxious. Maybe now I can start focusing on the fun stuff again. Like the kid needs a room! I don't want to start decorating for real until I know if we're matched with a boy or a girl, but part of getting started is getting Sam moved to his new "big boy" room, so I need to really get on that. Once my dad's visit it over, I guess I will get going!

Only in my house...

2008-10-20T07:35:00.005-04:00

Yesterday was a perfect fall day. The air was crisp and cool and the sky was beautiful. We decided to finish the weekend by hanging out in our PJs and lighting a fire.

Well... We haven't ordered firewood for this year yet, so Rob ran into the store to grab a small bundle. A couple of hours later, he got a nice fire going. It didn't take long for my eyes to get all red, itchy and swollen and for me to start coughing. I left the living room to join him in the kitchen to get out of the room with the fire in case it was the smoke making me a little uncomfortable. I figured that once the fire settled in, I'd be fine.

When I got to the kitchen, Rob glanced over at the fire and said... "Wow. Birch wood really makes a nice fire, doesn't it?"

I replied, "You bought birch wood to burn inside our house?"

To most normal people this would seem like an insanely picky thing for me to care about, let alone mention to my dear husband.

EXCEPT, birch is the common element in all of the things, like peaches, etc., that I am ridiculously allergic to. If you don't know this very strange quirk about me, I'm so allergic that my friend Kim can't even use her usual apricot soap in the shower on a day she's going to see me or I can't sit next to hear without getting all clogged up. Weird.

I was certain my coughing after our conversation was psychosomatic at first, but I ended up without a voice and gasping for air shortly thereafter, and albuterol seemed to reverse the problem, so I realized it actually was the birch.

Seriously. If that doesn't define high maintenance, I don't know what does. This morning I feel like I swallowed glass from all of the coughing yesterday. I have a feeling Rob will be burning Duraflame logs for at least a couple of weeks now. The poor guy is traumatized.

On a lighter note, I'm lifting this from Kim's blog because it made me laugh out loud.

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car)Greta Sienna

2. YOUR ROCK STAR TOUR'S NAME: ("The"+Your favorite hobby/craft, fave weather element +tour) The scrapping thunder tour... this makes me sound like a wrestler, I think.

3. YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fave icecream flavor, favorite cookie) Moose Tracks Toll House...not so tough, really.

4. YOUR "FLY" GIRL NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name)KBec... sadly, lots of people actually call me this.

5. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)Green Wolf

6. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born) Christine Lenexa...totally works.

7. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name , first 2 letters of your first)Becka ... almost a real name, so not so funny.

8. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The"+2nd favorite color, favorite drink) The Purple Gimlet...heehee

9. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers) Francis Allen... Again. Funny.

10. NAME YOUR SPOUSE CALLS YOU: (the name of your favorite perfume, favorite candy)Gucci Baby Ruth... He'd better not try this one.

11. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother's & father's middle names) Ann Allen... perfectly anonymous, really.

12. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (your 5th grade teacher's last name, a major city that starts with the same letter) Mallin Miami... This is why I chose PRINT journalism.

13. SPY NAME:(your favorite season/holiday, flower) Autumn Hydrangea... kinda lame and not a very easy name to hide with.

14. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you're wearing right now+ "ie" or "y")Apple Hoodie... I can hear Sam calling me this now.

15. HIPPY NAME: (what you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree) Granola Cypress ... perfect for a hippie.

Bittersweet Day

2008-10-17T07:44:00.003-04:00

I struggle every year on October 17th to sift through all the emotions of this day. It was six years ago today that my life changed forever.

I've never been able to completely put into words what I went through on a day that, all at once, I discovered I was pregnant for the first time, but lost that baby and nearly my own life in the process.

To this day, it's strange to recall the sequence of events. I just glanced at the clock and realized that six years ago at this time, I was probably putting my make-up on when I had that first strangely intuitive notion that perhaps I was pregnant. Since we hadn't been trying I had no reason at all to think that was the case.

I left the house not long after that, drove the wrong way to work and decided to just take a test (all before going to the office) so that I could clear my mind and focus. I'm sure everyone realizes that their life has changed forever the moment they see those two lines on a test, but I had no idea just how surreal the day would be at that point. I assumed the passing feelings of nausea and dizziness I was experienced were all related to nerves over the unexpected news and the anticipation of telling Rob.

I know that I need to continue writing this story, and particularly the experiences I went through when I was near-death, but I just can't yet. I've tried at the urging of so many people, but I always feel like I just need to keep those details stored only in my mind for some reason.

I did go listen to an amazing man from our church talk about all he went through on the road to a heart transplant. I asked him, since he's an author, about finally deciding to write about his journey. He told me that he thinks I'll feel better about everything once I start writing and that I'll probably recall details that I don't remember. I think he may be right, so I really am going to push myself to do it. Soon.

Ironically, this week's DigiDare (a scrapping challenge site I visit weekly) is about scrapping the story of a journey. I instantly thought that perhaps someone is trying to tell me that I need to get started!

Anyway, I wade through the thoughts of that day in 2002 repeatedly every year on Oct. 17. I always end up feeling sad at the thought of all the loss that started that day, incredibly grateful that I made it through, and at peace that -- despite all the pain of those years -- it was all to bring us to the family we have today. I wouldn't trade how things turned out for anything, but it doesn't keep me from feeling a sense of permanent loss on some level.

I'll spend today doing utterly mundane things and being especially careful to remember how blessed I actually am.

In the spirit of doing the regular stuff of my life that makes me happy, I will note that I'll be hosting my first scrapping challenge this weekend as part of Kelley Mickus' party at All Things Visual. Kelley graciously invited me to work with her designs at least a year and a half ago at this point. Not only is she a great designer, we've really been able to get to know each other and every email I get from her brings a smile to my face! Join us at www.allthingsvisual.biz

Catching Up

2008-10-14T08:09:00.003-04:00

The more people I hear about that read my blog, the more I realize that it's not just me talking to myself (I'm quick that way, huh?!) It also means that I catch myself sometimes wondering just how ready I really am to spill my guts. I started blogging as a journal, but I find that there are things that I struggle to put into words. It's as if committing them to paper (or a screen) makes them a real part of my life and our family's history. Sometimes I'm just not ready to admit things right away.

One of those realizations has come to pass since I last blogged. I have probably talked before about the possibility of Sam having ADHD. We've always known he was more than a bit exuberant, but the older he gets, the more we realize he just can't control it. He's not being disobedient or stubborn as much as he's just unable to contain his energy and emotions. His pediatrician, his teachers, his Sunday School teachers all admit that he's beginning to fall outside what's typical for any other child his age.

A quick example that for some reason really got to me: When it was the week to practice writing the letter "c" in school, I saw the papers of the other kids in Sam's class. Each one wrote (somewhat wobbly) letters in a pretty decent row. Sam, however, only seems to get the overall shape of the letter and wrote little arcs in all directions all over a page. Similar things have happened with other lessons and his teacher says that she's already learned that there are times when Sam simply cannot learn if she forces him to sit still at a time when he's not ready. That means he doesn't end up practicing things nearly as much as other kids might.

I have cried off and on about all of this for weeks now. I don't want Sam to face any more hardship than he needs to. No one wants that for their child. I want him to be able to make great use of the obviously brilliant brain he was blessed with (I'm not biased, of course.) I wonder how he'll be affected when the new baby arrives. I don't want to jump to conclusions about what might really be wrong. I want to believe that his struggles are a phase. I get totally confused about what might be attachment related, what's nothing, and what might actually be a real issue for him.

And to be perfectly honest with myself, I am completely Type A and have a really hard time dealing with things that are outside my control. I pray every single day that I'll figure out the right way to cope with everything without worrying about what anyone else says or thinks. That last part is -- by far -- the hardest part for me. The few people that I've had real conversations with about all of this usually immediately ask about medication and finding any other way to deal with what may turn out to be a lifelong issue for Sam.

I swing wildly back and forth about all of this. My gut instinct is to say that I need to find ANY way other than real drugs to deal with this once/if he's formally diagnosed soon (and I fully admit I'm totally dragging my feet. I need to pull myself together, but I am not feeling quite ready to get the formal diagnosis.. That makes all that I've written before sound like I've already made a diagnosis that I'm not qualified to make. In some ways I suppose I have. I don't like to admit that for real, but he's got more than enough signs and I'll explain in a minute what brought it all together for me.) I don't like the idea of psychotropic drugs in a 33-lb. body. I also know that ADHD is a chemical imbalance in the brain. I would not deny him real treatment if he had another disorder.

My stopgap measure comes in the form of morning coffee. Caffeine in general, really. I have been doing a lot of research (big shock, I know) and have found numerous studies that say caffeine can have the same effect on dopamine levels in the brain as low doses of Ritalin without the other side effects. It's counterintuitive to give caffeine to a hyper child, but it's like magic when you see how it works. It completely levels him out and helps him focus. Once I told his teacher, she said that he had been remarkably better during lessons and was managing to sit still with the other kids to practice, and his writing already shows dramatic improvement. We've also been accustomed to NEEDING two adults to manage Sam in a place like Costco. Well, since the addition of caffeine to his diet (low doses, I assure you... I did that research, too) he sits in a cart and has a nice chat with us while we shop. It's a completely different experience than what we used to face, which was a whiny, climbing, screaming, bouncy child for the duration of any given shopping trip.

Now that all of this is off my chest for the moment, I'm off to take him to school. I have to admit that I'm far less anxious since we started testing this theory. It's so nice not to dread the feedback at the end of the day. Most days, we know that they're going to tell us now that he's a happy, active kid who's making great progress in school.

Machine Gun Fire

2008-09-25T13:41:00.002-04:00

Rob always says my typing sounds a lot like machine gun fire. I've been known to get comments from people who walk by me when I'm typing on my laptop at meetings. So, when I saw this speed test on the Sweet Shoppe blog today I decided to take a quick crack at it.

86 words

Typing Test

I used to say I typed about 90 words a minute, so I guess I wasn't that far off!

I'm headed out in a bit to go to Tennessee again. The sky looks kind of ominous and the wind is really blowing. I hope that doesn't affect travel too much. Then again, it was beautiful last week when I took a tour of the entire MidSouth before making it to Nashville. Who knows what will happen? All I know is that I'm already missing Grey's Anatomy. I guess getting in a bit later won't make much difference. I'll stop now before I jinx myself.

The biggest news in the week is that one of our favorite people FINALLY came home (safely!!!) from Qatar a couple of days ago. We are doing our best to be patient about when it's *our* turn to finally see him! I understand he wants to catch up with his own wife and child first... I can be that patient if I must.

I took Sam in to school a bit late today, and ended up with some time to talk to his teacher in more detail than I'm usually able to. She actually started a conversation with me, asking if we'd considered having Sam evaluated by a neurologist. I was a bit surprised, but she quickly explained that her comment is related to the ongoing concerns we've had about his ability to focus and learn. She said to me that his intelligence is definitely not in question, but that he's highly unusual in his inability to concentrate when doing lessons. She said it takes almost nothing to distract him and that he's not yet been able to get through a worksheet on his own without needing significant "help."

We had a conversation about how much more he struggles with this than any other child in his class. We've known this was an issue for a while, but to hear the first real words of confirmation that he's not learning is not good news. I not exactly sure what our next step is going to be, but we will do something. I see evidence of the same issues she talks about happening at home, so I agree that we need to pay attention. I'm just hoping that someone can suggest strategies for behavior modification that might be helpful. I'm in full research mode now.

A Drink on Me

2008-09-20T20:59:00.002-04:00

The Recipe For Karen

3 parts Wit

2 parts Inspiration

1 part Whimsy

Splash of Warmth

Finish off with an olive

What's the Recipe for Your Personality?

I'm stuck in a hotel in Nashville after two long days of meetings. It's always refreshing to get to spend talk just talking (this was actually interviewing) field staff and volunteers across the country about our favorite subject -- Relay For Life -- but 10 solid hours of questioning does get a bit exhausting.

I'm in the lovely airport Marriott, just trying to relax before getting up at 4:30 a.m. for another early morning flight... The little Blogthing above seemed funny to me in my current state, so I'm sharing it with you. :-)

It might be advisable for me to have a drink or two, actually, before embarking on another airline journey. I left my house at 3 p.m. on Thursday to pick Sam up and get to the airport in time for a 5:30 flight. All seemed to be going swimmingly for a while. Our inbound flight was about 15 min. delayed, but no biggie. USAirways books in extra time, so I figured I'd still reach Nashville in time to order some dinner in my hotel room and get some writing done before going to bed.

Well... I boarded my plane around 5:50 p.m. We took off around 6:20. I did a little work and read Newsweek during the one hour and 20 min. jaunt to Tennessee. I hear the captain get on the intercom to very pleasantly let us know that we were making our initial descent, "but unfortunately, folks, it's NOT into Nashville."

Huh??

As it turns out, our plane was having a wee issue with the anti-skid braking mechanism, and the runway we were supposed to use in Nashville was closed. The only remaining runway was too short for our plane to land, so we were going to have to go to Louisville, KY and wait to be told what would happen next.

Ok. We go to Louisville. We sit for about 20 min. without being let off the plane when we're then told that there is not a plane for us in Louisville, but because of the Ryder Cup, there is also not a bus to take us to Nashville, nor any cars to rent, nor any hotel rooms in the city. So..... I start to think we're going to spend the night sleeping on the plane. Visions of those people who have reportedly sat for 15 hours on board planes without being let off begin to pass through my mind.

The intercom crackles again. "Well, folks... We've located a plane for all of you. It's in Cincinnati."

Back into the air we go. I seem to be perhaps the only person a bit concerned, not that we're being diverted for the second time, but that we continue to travel in a plane with a less than reliable braking system. The flying part is fine, but I'm pretty partial to planes that can also stop once they're back on the ground.

Well.. We get to Cincinnati and realize we are swapping planes with a bunch of people headed to Philly. Turns out those poor people were getting to ride the crappy plane because the runways in Philly are long enough that the plane would eventually coast to a stop (I'm guessing) and then they could take the plane out of service. I have no idea if those people originally knew the cause for their delay, but the airline held us in the same area as them before we reboarded, so if they didn't know before that, they did after they heard from a bunch of ticked off passengers that were five hours in to a supposed 100 min. flight.

In all honestly, I actually was quite calm through all of this. I was nervous about that whole no brakes thing, but I actually think the nice little pills I'd been taking to keep from being dizzy for my ears have weird, unlisted anti-anxiety properties, because I really did just go where they told me to go.

The end of my long saga is that I did get to Nashville around 11:45 ET that night. All things considered, I am impressed I actually got there that night. Turns out I landed within two minutes of my boss' final flight from California, so we had a VERY late dinner and then left the hotel fewer than five hours later to drive to Bowling Green, Kentucky to interview field staff about staffing successful Relays.

What a trip! So... I will not drink to calm my nerves tonight, but I will pray that I get home in time to spend some time with Sam tomorrow. Assuming I actually get home at the expected time, we plan to go apple picking. I'm looking forward to some straightforward fun!

Fonts Make Me Happy

2008-09-17T07:21:00.003-04:00

I've been a total font geek for as long as I can remember. Back in college, while taking newspaper layout and design classes, I would spend forever searching for just the perfect typeface when creating a new look for a newspaper. Imagine my delight when I realized that digital scrapbooking could provide me an actual REASON to download hundreds of fonts to my computer.

Like any good addict, I've moved beyond what I can find on free font sites. I tend to like to use beautiful fonts that are not totally common. I even get a little twitch when I see marketing materials created with Times New Roman.

All of this explains why I was giddy with excitement to find out I'd been accepted to Fontologie's Creative Team. It just so happens that I'd received a nice big box full of printed pages two days before I saw the call for Fontologie's team. I noticed that I've used a couple of her fonts, in particular, on a large percentage of every page I've created since purchasing them. The moment I noticed the call posted to her blog, I *ran* (as much as you can do that online... but you know what I mean. My clicker hand couldn't find the link to my yahoo email account fast enough.) off to send her a message.

And that's the happy news with which I'm starting this day!

In other news... I've spent the early part of this week at various doctors' offices. I have a teeny bit of ear pain that was joined by a not-so-teeny amount of dizziness on Saturday. Ever since, I've been feeling as though I'm on a cruise, but without the maid service and free drinks. The lovely nurse practitioner at my doctor's office determined that I have a garden variety case of fall allergies that are causing enough swelling in my sinuses to put pressure on my inner ear. Nothing too exciting, but the dizziness is getting really old. I've been taking a handy little pill that all but makes the dizziness disappear, but I learned yesterday that no amount of caffeine can counterbalance the drowsiness that comes with those pills. So today, I will just do my best to sit still so that I can write without pharmaceutical assistance.

Sam had his (tardy, I realize) four-year-old well visit yesterday. He gained three pounds and grew three inches in the last year, which leaves him at the exact same spot on the growth trajectory that he was last year. He's in the 10th percentile for height and 25th percentile for weight, just like his mommy. I kid.

Overall, he's a very healthy little guy. He took three injections of various vaccines like a *complete* trooper. At 34, I think I would have acted out more than he did! The doctor did acknowledge that his resistance to direction (like that euphemism for stubborn and hyper?) is probably something that we should start to address directly so as not to affect learning going forward. He does not have any actual delays in skills, but he simply does not want to practice things like writing and coloring unless he decides he's ready. He even told Ms. Elaine that he didn't need to practice his letters because "I'll do that when I get to kindergarten."

I'm going to call the district again this week and see if they can do an observation of him. I'm more confident than I was six months ago that most of this is seated in his need for control, which the doctor and our social workers have agreed is related to attachment. When you lose so much at a young age, the psychological need for control can be stronger than it might be for another child. That's all to say that I'm pretty sure getting some advice on how to work with him will help quite a bit.

The eating part of our day continues to be just hideous, in my estimation. I'm not going to lie. If I could afford to have someone come to my house for the sole purpose of feeding my child, I would hand them my wallet and go eat my own dinner free from whining and abject disobedience. Again, I kid. Well, maybe not. The not-so-good-for-mommy news was that the complete refusal to eat any kind of real food may continue for another YEAR or, dare I say it, even TWO YEARS.

I want to believe that sibling rivalry could convince Sam to try something other than chicken nuggets and pasta, but I probably should not hold my breath.

Things I Love

2008-09-10T17:56:00.002-04:00

I love these lists for some reason, so it seemed appropriate to steal the Things You Love list from Kim's blog.

THINGS YOU LOVE
Song you love: Amazing Grace
Word you love: family
Academic subject you love: Spanish
Hobby you love: Digiscrapping
Type of baked good you love: cookies
Type of sky you love: cloudy (weird, I know)
Beverage you love: coffee
Vacation you love: Colorado
Restaurant you love: Tortilla Press
Way of getting around that you love: weird question... car, I suppose
Person you love: Rob and Sam
Room in your home (or ideal home) you love: once it's done, my kitchen
Movie you love: Breakfast at Tiffany's
Book you love: Pillars of the Earth
City you love: Dublin and Chicago
Future plan you love: New baby!
Form of communication you love: Facebook
Junk food you love: ice cream

Along with School...

2008-09-06T06:49:00.004-04:00

...come germs. We typically have disease-free summers in our house, thank goodness. Rob and Sam both then find a way to snag a few germs once back at their respective schools and have yucky, nasty colds sometime in late September. Lucky me, I get it last, but usually even worse than they do.

Well, it took Sam all of two full days in school to develop his first bug. Rob did say that on the very first morning, Sam lined up to go to the breakfast room right next to a kid that had what we grossly refer to as "snot slugs" coming out of his nose. Yuck. Why people send their kids to daycare with actual green sludge leaking from their bodies is beyond me. I suppose I should not take for granted that we have an easier time managing sick days with our jobs than many people do.

In any case, we had to miss dinner with Brad, Cristin and Shane last night and I'm sadly still on the fence about another birthday party this morning. I think Sam could handle it, but I have such a hard time deciding when to keep him away from other kids -- especially for stuff that's "optional." I have a feeling we'll go so as not to disappoint Sam or the birthday girl, and I will spend hours running around behind Sam with wipes.

I wouldn't be as worried if Hurricane Hanna weren't headed here any time now. I am quite sure the party will be inside, which means more kids will be in range of Sam's sneezes!

I just asked Sam how he was feeling. He said, "I'm a whole lot great and just a little bit sick." At least he's not whining!

First Day of School

2008-09-02T20:21:00.003-04:00

Today was Sam's first day back at school for true Pre-K. We were admittedly a little nervous because we felt like last year's teacher had sort of labeled Sam as a difficult kid. We just didn't know what today would bring with a new teacher and a drop kick back into a strict routine.

We started the day with having to open the door to Sam's room around 6:40 to *gently* wake him up. Somewhat like Eeyore (as Nonni would say) he rolled over and groaned that he did not want to go to school. I reminded him that all of his friends would be there and that there would be a whole room full of new toys at his disposal.

He countered with, "Mommy... are you going to drop me off?" (He knows that when I take him, he goes in later, which he likes. Daddy has to rush more than I do in the morning.)

When I assured him that today was special and that both Rob and I would be accompanying him down the long hall to the Eagles' room, he scrunched up his brow and asked if I could also be there to pick him up.

I told him that was the plan, and he bounded out of bed like he had springs in his tushie. He cheered, "All right then! I'm READY to go! Let's get going to school, Mommy!"

I could not have asked for a better start. He was a bit too excited for breakfast at home, but did pose for the requisite photos (which are not uploaded because the camera battery was near-death before I got it plugged in) and happily crawled up into his carseat, ready for school.

Being the experienced Sam parents that we are, we figured the proverbial other shoe was about to drop. I estimated that moment would occur right as Rob HAD to leave in order not to be late on his first day.

To my delight and surprise, he bounced down the hall, happily greeted the new teacher and barely looked back at us when he saw who was in the nursery already. He waved at us and kept on chattering to Adam.

Rob was a wee bit nervous that the new teacher already acknowledged that she knew him to be a child that "needs incentives" to behave. I said it was because she has dealt with him in the breakfast room for years. Well... we both waited to see who was right when we picked him up today.

As we arrived, Miss RuthAnne said very clearly and definitively "Sam. Was...." that was all we needed to hear before glancing sidelong at one another and bracing for a bad report.

Oh we of little faith. She finished with "WONDERFUL TODAY!" The caps are not mine. She said it with THAT MUCH enthusiasm. Seriously. I wanted to skip out of there. They still nap in the Eagles room, but those children who do not sleep are expected to sit quietly and read or rest for at least an hour. Well... My brilliant child sat on his mat without moving or needing to be coddled (which he is a big fan of and asked for daily in the Owls' room last year) for almost TWO hours without a single syllable or incident.

I. could. not. believe. it. I'm not sure Sam has ever been awake AND quiet for two hours. Ever.

Even though this is getting long, I have to recount another new nightly event in our house. Sam is well aware at this point in his young life that he is adopted and came home to his forever family on an airplane from Korea. He has asked lots of questions about which type of plane our new baby will come home on. He even asks if we will drive over the Ben Franklin Bridge when we go to meet her or him... You get the idea. He asks for specifics.

Well, I described exactly what we would do the day/night the new baby comes home. It occurred to Sam that the same scenario played out the night he flew home. So, he asks us every single night now to re-enact his homecoming. He pretends to be on a plane. He announces when he's at the gate. We excitedly wait for him to come off the plane. He crawls and goos like a baby, jumps into Mommy's arms. We exclaim how thrilled we are to finally meet him. We pretend to take pictures. We discuss who else is there to meet him. I give him a fake bottle to calm his crying, and he then moves on to Daddy who rocks him to sleep in about 15 seconds.

I wonder how long this evening routine will last? It makes no difference to me. It's finally sinking in that he has a story of the day he became part of our family and I think it's good for him to be able to imagine what it was like.

The most amusing part of tonight's little play was that I asked who he was on the plane with. We've explained in the past that he lived with his foster mom, Mrs. Lee, in Korea and that a nice lady named Mrs. Kim let him sit on her lap on the way home. Well, he told me tonight that Aunt Kim is always on the plane with him! I think it's adorable that he thinks she was the one to take care of him and make sure he got home safely!

Staycation

2008-08-25T19:43:00.002-04:00

We've had a pretty uneventful few weeks, but today marks the first "real" day of our vacation... Sadly, we couldn't make it happen until the last week of summer, so the time is kind of bittersweet. In some ways, I'm finding staying home for vacation more relaxing than I thought it might be. It's nice to just have a long stretch of days to unwind. Being home, though, also means there are still chores to do and the phone continues to ring. We like it when it rings with friends and family wanting to spend time together, but the yucky and annoying calls still come, too.

We did lots of errands today and somehow managed to wear Sam out like he'd run a marathon. He went to sleep early, and was out cold in under six minutes! Rob has a Relay call with the Division tonight, so I'm catching up on blog reading and writing and settling in to watch the first night of the Democratic National Convention. For a politics junkie, it's like the SuperBowl.

It's no secret that I've been a longtime Barack Obama fan. For that very reason, I've had plenty of calls and emails asking what I think of his pick for VP. It's almost become amusing... I'm like a hometown pundit or something!

For the record, I'm kind of lukewarm on the pick right now. I would have liked to have seen Obama choose more of a wildcard, less politics-as-usual running mate. I also feel pretty strongly that the Republicans are going to have a field day with the fact that he chose someone who did vote for the war. I would like to think that we could elect an entire team who truly represents what so many Americans (including me) want in a president/vice president, but I understand the political reality of the situation. There are too many people that doubt that someone "inexperienced" can be a good president. I'm sure that's why people much smarter than me chose Joe Biden. Also for the record, I think that perhaps people who haven't been engrossed in Beltway politics for many decades COULD do a good job of turning things around. I'd like to see some fresh blood in the White House!

Oh well, I'm by no means retiring my collection of Obama gear. I am sure my enthusiasm will be renewed watching the nutty diehards in Denver... They look remarkably like Relayers, just wearing the wrong color!

10 Years!

2008-08-07T11:01:00.003-04:00

Today, Rob and I celebrate 10 years of marriage. We went away in June when we had the babysitting help to mark the occasion, so today's celebration is a bit lower key. We're vascillating between going to see The Dark Knight before dinner (Um, woohoo?) or shopping for a new coffee maker. What activities could make us sound MORE like a suburban couple firmly planted in our mid-thirties?! The deciding factor? We have a Bed, Bath and Beyond coupon that MAY save us more money than we could buying the same coffee maker at Costco. That's a lot of shopping to drag Sam along for, so we may use our "free time" to just enjoy whine-free browsing.

In some ways, it's kind of fitting that we're so ok with that kind of celebration. Rob is truly my very best friend, and we're happy doing just about anything as long as we're doing it together. That can sound trite, but it's really how it is. The highest compliment I can pay him is to say that after a hard week or a busy work trip, I just want to be alone. My definition of "alone" though, always includes Rob and Sam. I really am at my happiest when we can just be together without too many obligations. That means it's just the people that Rob and Sam are that make me happy. I don't need to do something that is super-exciting to be blissfully content. I think that sounds like a good marriage!

It dawned on me this morning that I am quickly approaching a unique milestone. I will soon have the longest marriage in my own family. We're actually well past that point of "togetherness" if you consider that Rob and I have been together for 17 1/2 years now. It's the kind of thought that makes me wish I had some way to help other people just be happy like we are. It's something that's so simple, yet so easy to take for granted. We have the occasional conversation about how sad we are when we stop to realize how few truly happy couples we seem to know. I wish I knew what the answer was to be happy for a lifetime. I think it's really a lot of little things, and Rob and I are very blessed to value those same elements and work hard together to keep them strong.

Rob may not even read this today... Oddly enough, I don't think he ever reads my blog. I guess he figures he knows everything that's in here, but if he does, I want him to know that being that anti-hugger that I am, I realize that I'm not the most overtly sentimental and affectionate person he could have shackled himself to for all eternity. That does not diminish, however, how much I know I love him and how grateful I am to have him as my partner for life. I know a lot of very wonderful, nice, intelligent people, but I honestly have never met someone that I can for one second imagine being as close to and as happy with as I am with Rob.

I love that Sam will one day understand that Rob and I are actual high school sweethearts that have been lucky enough to have figured out the whole forever thing. I also hope he knows what a role he plays in making us happy as a couple, too. It's so gratifying to have gone down the very long road to parenthood together, and to get to enjoy the rewards of molding a little person as a team. When I'm feeling melodramatic (which, I admit, I am wont to do) I like to remind myself that what hasn't killed us (literally, in some cases!) has made us stronger and that I should savor every moment that I have.

I'm not always great at doing that, but I try. Today's a day that it's only fitting to reflect on my life, and I am proud to say that I am really a happy person. Thanks, Rob!

Feeling Proud

2008-08-03T15:32:00.006-04:00

I am having my usual post-Summit mix of emotions this afternoon. Putting on such a huge meeting is a ton of work, but for very obvious good reasons. I am typically exhausted before I even arrive... luckily the adrenaline level is insanely high and totally contagious, so I make it through without collapsing in front of tons of volunteers.

I am feeling the pain today, but it's the satisfying kind... like when you take a very long walk and know you've done something good for yourself when you get home. I made it home with no flight delays this morning (which feels like the universe's little gift to me) and am able to get some R&R in before we head out to a family party tonight.

I had so much fun watching everyone in the ballroom in Indianapolis get excited to see people like Gordy Klatt, Pat Flynn, Dr. Seffrin, Dr. Brawley, Jeff Ross and so many other Relay celebs take the stage this weekend. It was especially fun to "experience" the Summit through Rob's eyes for a few brief moments. He's so committed to Relay, but had to watch most of the Summit (our biggest event of the year!) from the sidelines last year since we had Sam with us.

It was rather amusing, though, that Rob almost had no time for his boring wife whilst there. He was way too busy networking and basically being every bit the social butterfly. It was surreal. On Thursday night, we hung out in the hotel bar with a few friends and when I finally said I needed to get to bed so I could make a very early morning rehearsal, Rob just replied with, "I think I'll stay down here for a while and talk to these guys." What?? Voluntary socializing without my assistance? Who are you and what have you done with my husband??!

The absolute highlight of the weekend for me, though, was seeing Dr. Emil Freireich on the Relay stage. We'd seen Dr. Freireich for the first time about six years ago at the Medford Relay when he was asked by the family of a young leukemia survivor to come speak. Since I'd never forgotten that experience, I was thrilled that we were able to invite him to the nationwide Summit this year. Dr. Freireich and his research partner are credited with essentially "curing" childhood leukemia as well as developing the concept of combination chemotherapy. His contributions to the fight against cancer are nothing short of legendary, and hearing him tell his story was powerful stuff. We invited anyone in the 700+ audience who knew they'd been personally impacted by Dr. Freireich's work to come to the stage as he finished speaking to shake his hand. In the words of Rosanne Radke, it was like watching a religious revival in some ways. The flood of people who poured forth just for the chance to say a sentence to this man was one of the most moving things I've ever witnessed. I get chills just thinking about it. It's not often in your life that you meet someone with such stature who has single-handedly contributed to a better quality of life for MILLIONS of people.

Rob was lucky enough to get a quick picture with Dr. Freireich yesterday. He wants to be able to show it to a student of his who has been battling leukemia. I can't WAIT for her to see it! I was lucky enough to be the stagehand who helped Dr. Freireich get his microphone off once he was finished speaking and greeting people. I asked him if he's had fun, and he replied, "It was fun, but it was also so very moving..." And then he teared up a bit.

It's moments like this that make me realize how lucky I am to have the job I have.

My Wordle

2008-07-26T08:12:00.005-04:00

I've seen this wordart on a few other blogs, but just saw today how to create it myself (by going to Wordle.net). I love seeing the words I (apparently) use most often when writing about my life turned into something so fun to look at. I'm going to have to scrap this for sure.

Another hurdle cleared

2008-07-25T07:49:00.002-04:00

I woke up this morning kind of sad to realize that summer is already half over. We haven't even gotten in to any kind of groove yet. Rob's been so busy taking care of his dad that it seems like we can't settle on any kind of routine.

I did have a couple of days off this week. We had our final Parents in Process class on Tuesday at Holt, so I also took Monday off. We spent Monday at the Adventure Aquarium in Camden because it was so hot outside that I about passed out at the very idea of spending the day at Sesame Place. Sam had such a great time at the aquarium. He's followed it up with almost obsessive requests to watch some sea life kiddie documentary Rob discovered. I swear, he spent the entire time he watched it yesterday morning shouting "Look, Mommy! Did you know piranhas..." I admit I don't recall a single detail that he was so excited about, but in my defense, he fired so many aquatic facts at me while I was just trying to down my first cup of coffee that I really can't be expected to have absorbed the information.

As for the hurdle we've cleared, we took the last requisite parenting class at Holt this week. When we first started the process to adopt, I was kind of annoyed that we had to go through formal classes in order to parent. I felt like it was another element of the cosmic unfairness that had been chasing me for a couple of years. After all, I've encountered plenty of parents just during trips to Target that clearly could have used the help. However, when I went to the classes, I realized their value. It's good to spend some conscious time thinking about the unique aspects of raising a child born in another country.

This particular module was geared toward parents who were not first-timers. I thought that meant only people who were adopting again, but it must have meant anyone adding a child to their family. Several couples were adopting for the first time from China after having biological kids. We were among a group that all had preschool-aged boys from Korea and were in process for a second child.

The biggest eye-opener of the day was listening to a lovely woman who was an adoptee herself, and had also adopted two boys from Korea. (I did ask if she had requested gender, since they make exceptions to that rule for adoptees and other people born in Korea, but she did not. Note to self: adjust the mental odds when people ask if we'll be matched with a boy or girl!)

Anyway, this woman spoke to the exact issues Rob and I have always worried the most about... The biggest such issue is how to deal with the inevitable racism that children like Sam are likely to encounter in school. It's easy for us suburbanite Caucasians to feel that our community is diverse and "color-blind," but that's never the truth. No matter how much we want to believe it is, adoptees like Sam and this woman struggle throughout their entire lives to fit in some place. Most adjust just fine and are happy people, but they still deal with the constant awareness that they feel white but are not, and that people assume they are Asian, but don't feel Asian either.

I was in tears twice listening to this woman talk about how her own family could make her feel without realizing it and how she has been treated while doing something as innocent as trying to register for school. I know we've tried out best to gently correct people in our own circles who don't realize that, for instance, Sam is Asian -- not "oriental." That seems like an innocent mistake to some people, but for someone struggling with real identity issues, a family member who can't be bothered to learn the correct term can be deeply hurtful.

We will continue to try to do our best (and need to do better at that) to expose Sam and his soon-to-be brother or sister to aspects of their birth culture that they will want to be somewhat familiar with later in life. It's not easy to balance both sides of their world, but that's our job.

Some Days Are Harder Than Others

2008-07-13T16:22:00.003-04:00

It's beginning to get harder to wait and wonder when we'll be matched with our baby. I find myself with my mind wandering off on a pretty regular basis at this point. It's still too early to expect a call, but there's been a small part of me that's always thought we could be on the early side for a referral. Our homestudy has been in Korea for six months already, which is so hard to believe! Of course, his circumstances were different, but Sam was home with us about six WEEKS after our homestudy was complete the first time around. So... I'll just admit right now that the waiting part stinks. I know it's all part of the process and that God will ensure *our* baby is matched with us when the time is right, but I'm still allowed to be antsy, right?

So much of my life changed when Sam came home, and it wasn't all what comes along with being parents for the first time. I had a new job, too. I think part of me is beginning to wonder how this will all play out. Deep down, I feel like a lot is going to change this time as well, but I just can't say what that means for sure. Maybe it's just because I didn't have as long a period to wait and wonder last time, but it would seem that too much time to think is not always a good thing for me.

When I wasn't thinking about all the baby "stuff" today in church, I could not get our friend Ted out of my mind, either. I have no business even beginning to complain that it's been too long since we've had quality time with our friends the Gwaras given how much Ethan and Kim miss him, but it's really starting to wear on us, too! Of course, we pray for his safety every single day (along with about 1,000 or so others also praying for him at our church!) but I can't help but think that I just wish we had a weekend to visit Sesame Place and hang out with the kids. That's probably why I seem to be on such a tear to find a house right in our neighborhood for them to move to. Walks with Sam and Rob have turned into conversations about how many houses we can find that would be just *perfect* for them. Honestly, my definition of perfect right now seems to just mean that the living structure be located within walking distance of my own. There is a house right NEXT DOOR that is certainly more perfect than the others, if I do say so myself.

Fun List

2008-07-12T19:35:00.003-04:00

I'm so tired after an interesting travel week that I can't even think of writing creatively. For those work friends who were speculating as to how I would "handle" meeting Mr. Relay For Life himself in person for the very first time, I'm proud to say that we had a really great, long and productive discussion yesterday in Ithaca. I am still tortured over the fact, though, that my boss and I left two hours to drive a distance that should have taken just one, but still got lost in Ithaca and were late to our meeting. Most anyone who knows me at all knows how much I HATE being late. I'm obsessively, annoyingly early for everything in life. The day I meet the icon that is Relay For Life? I'm late. He was very kind about it and even joked with me later when he heard we got lost yet again after parting ways for the afternoon.

So... the fun, mindless part. I don't know why I enjoy these lists so much, but I do.

Here’s the game: you have to answer the question with ONE WORD only and then you have to tag 4 people.
1. Where is your cell phone? purse
2. Your significant other? Sears
3. Your hair? floppy
4. Your mother? honest
5. Your father? Kansas
6. Your favorite thing? Mac
7. Your dream last night? nonexistent
8 Your favorite drink? tea
9. Your dream/goal? independence
10. The room you’re in? toy-strewn
11. Your hobby? digiscrapping
12. Your fear? finances
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? settled
14. What you’re not? energized
15. Muffins? carby
16. One of your wish list items? lens
17. Where you grew up? Kansas
18. The last thing you did? walk
19. What are you wearing? Relay
20. Favorite gadget? Flip
21. Your pets? mopey
22. Your computer? Mac
23. Your mood? tired
24. Missing someone? yes
25. Your car? Toyota
26. Something you’re not wearing? flip-flops
27. Favorite store? jjill
28. Like someone? Mom
29. Your favorite color? green
30. When is the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? Sunday
Tagging? Kim, Noel, Melissa (I know no one else who reads this and also has their own blog!)

Fireworks!

2008-07-03T14:39:00.002-04:00

We're taking Sam to see real, live fireworks for the first time tomorrow. This clearly isn't his first Fourth of July, but it is the first year we can be assured he'll still be in a relatively pleasant mood at 9 p.m. when it all starts AND that the loud noises won't scar him for life.

I'm actually not entirely convinced that second point is true, but I'm hoping it is. To be on the safe side, I'm going to get little bitty ear plugs this afternoon that he can wear if he wants to. I think the fun of it all, especially with his cousins, will eventually make him forget the loud booming noises. My dog, on the other hand, has not been left alone on the Fourth for quite some time and may have entirely destroyed our house by the time we return home. He's a big fraidy cat.

I saw this Blogthings quiz on the Sweet Shoppe blog today, and it seemed appropriate, so here you go:

What Your These Fireworks Say About You

You are the type of person who lives a big, bold, and unique life.

You love to stand out and be noticed. And people definitely notice you.

You are easily excited, and you're quick to move to action.

You like to be in motion doing something. Keeping busy makes you feel good.

The Fireworks Test

A big, bold, and unique life? Ok. Sounds like someone else, but I'll take it. Like to be noticed. Um, not so much. If I looked like Jessica Alba, maybe. But I would rather people didn't look that closely on most days! That keeping busy part is true, but I count sitting in front of the computer scrapping as keeping busy, which may not be everything the quiz writer had in mind when I selected that lovely photo of two-in-one fireworks. Then again, who writes those quizzes anyway?!